(Closed) Boyfriend taking too long to propose

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
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  • Post # 46
    Member
    7439 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    rciel :  Seriously bee, this whole thing is a trainwreck and I think you know it in your heart. Here is what I eventually did when I was with my ex who took me for granted in similar ways that your BF is doing. (Apologies to the wider Bee for repeating myself – I know I’ve shared this story on many other similar threads before!)

    Anyway, I hung up a calendar on the wall and started putting an X on every day that I felt unhappy as a direct cause of my relationship. At the end of the month, there were like 20+ X’s on there, meaning I was unhappy almost all of the time as a direct result of my boyfriend. That was an eye opener. 

    As painful as breakups are, you really do just need to rip off the bandaid and get through it. Yes it will be agonizing for a little while, but soon you’ll feel so much better. You’ll feel like the biggest burden in the world has been lifted and that your future once again looks bright – because it doesn’t center on a man whose words you can’t trust, who takes you for granted and makes you feel unhappy and anxious all the time.

    A relationship should be a source of joy and stability in your life, not a source of anxiety and despair. The second yours starts to feel more like the second than the first, it’s time to GTFO. All the more so if you’re not even married yet.

    Post # 48
    Member
    1192 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

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    rciel :  Oh my god, I just saw your update that all your savings are in a joint account and I think my heart stopped. Girl, until you say “I do” keep your money separate! This scares the hell out of me. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    2222 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

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    rciel :  it’s ok that he is your whole world, if you are his in return. You don’t know if he feels the same? Focus on his actions, not his words. I know I mean the world to my husband, even if his words don’t say it, his actions do. I’m nothing special, I’m not any better than you are.

    Bee, I know it’s tough. You’ve been with him a long time and you love him but he isn’t treating you as a partner. If you marry him, you will not have a partner, you will have a husband who expects things done his way. If that’s the life you want, you can have that with someone who still makes you feel like you are their entire world. If this was your younger sister, would you want her to settle for less love than she deserves? If you wouldn’t want this for your sister, you shouldn’t want it for yourself.

    Post # 50
    Member
    2222 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

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    rciel :  PS – stop calling yourself lazy. Putting up with this guy and his empty promises seems to be a full time job in itself, that does not make you lazy.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1023 posts
    Bumble bee

    OP I agree 100% with NikkiBee18.

    He says he wants to give half his salary to his parents until he gets married. He says he can’t afford to get married. He’s set himself up nicely to never be able to afford it!

    Tough love time: 

    I wouldn’t marry you either. By your own admission,  you’re terrible with money,  you’re lazy, you don’t exercise, you can’t cook, you don’t really socialize or have your own life, you sound completely dependant on your boyfriend for 100% of your emotional support and validation. That’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

    I want a partner in life, not an overgrown child. Would YOU want a partner like you?

    Who lives in this condo? Is there an actual bank mortage? Why are you giving money to his mother for it? That entire situation is SO strange. If you are 50% owner of this condo,  live in it! Enjoy being independent and learning to adult.

    Post # 54
    Member
    566 posts
    Busy bee

    You really need to change the pattern that’s developed between the two of you. After 5 years he should be putting you first! Also, I can’t even imagine living with my parents in my late 20s or early 30s. I recommend you move into that condo and live there on your own. It’s time to start growing as a person. Also, open your own savings account and save your own money. You’re 29 already, think about how you’re going to sustain your own future. Stop waiting around for him, live your own life. He’s taking his time moving forward with you because nothing changes between the both of you. Why would he propose to you now, when he knows you’ll wait around for him. Light a fire under his ass by moving ahead with your own life. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    This comment. That’s also the problem I’m not very good at being able to tell one’s character. Like with my BF, even though we’ve been together for a long time, I still think I don’t know him enough and that I easily doubt a lot of things about him even though I’m supposed to trust him. Why would you want to marry someone you don’t know well enough to judge his charater after 5 years?

    I broke up with my BF of 7 years a few years back. He was my first BF and was quite manipulative. It took a breakup and finding myself again to learn what my own self worth was. I had another hard relationship a few years after that. I’m now in a relationship with the love of my life and there are no questions in the relationship. I don’t have to work at it. His actions show that he loves me. Please find the courage to stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and no reason to doubt yourself at all. You need to be enough on your own before you can fully give yourself to another person.

    Post # 56
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    OP- I have so much to say here but PPs have already covered most of it. Stop making excuses for him. He’s using you. It’s insane the things you’re dealing with and just shitting all over your own bad attitude when he’s the one making you feel this way. He’s gaslighting you- convincing you that you’re the negative one, you’re the one making him adjust to things, you’re the one pressuring him. I don’t see you in this condo with this man. I don’t see you marrying him. This predicament can only improve if you put your foot down. No excuses. You seem like such a sweet woman and you. deserve. better. 

     

    If you don’t mind, what don’t you like about your sister’s boyfriend? You say she deserves better, and I’m curious. 

     

    Stay strong and stand up for yourself. You’ve got a lot on your plate. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    118 posts
    Blushing bee

    Another vote for double life. Go to the condo and see if anyone is living there ASAP. 

    It sucks every time someone gives you advice you say you can’t take it because of xyz.  It’s like you’re determined to keep this clusterfuck going and you just hope HE fixes it. He created it babe. You gotta save yourself. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    6929 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    This relationship sounds horrible. Red flags everywhere! None of this story is adding up or making any sense. 

    And why in the world would you ever buy a condo that you’re not allowed to live in?! Sorry Bee but you’re delusional if you think this is how a relationship should be.

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