Post # 46
Seriously bee, this whole thing is a trainwreck and I think you know it in your heart. Here is what I eventually did when I was with my ex who took me for granted in similar ways that your BF is doing. (Apologies to the wider Bee for repeating myself – I know I’ve shared this story on many other similar threads before!)
Anyway, I hung up a calendar on the wall and started putting an X on every day that I felt unhappy as a direct cause of my relationship. At the end of the month, there were like 20+ X’s on there, meaning I was unhappy almost all of the time as a direct result of my boyfriend. That was an eye opener.
As painful as breakups are, you really do just need to rip off the bandaid and get through it. Yes it will be agonizing for a little while, but soon you’ll feel so much better. You’ll feel like the biggest burden in the world has been lifted and that your future once again looks bright – because it doesn’t center on a man whose words you can’t trust, who takes you for granted and makes you feel unhappy and anxious all the time.
A relationship should be a source of joy and stability in your life, not a source of anxiety and despair. The second yours starts to feel more like the second than the first, it’s time to GTFO. All the more so if you’re not even married yet.
Post # 47
It’s weird how he tells me he’s the one adjusting, between the two of us. 🙁
I give him the saturday as his family day and rest day, I don’t want to complain about that to him since I feel thankful enough that he’s not like other guys who often go out drinking with friends. He’s either with me or with family. (or with officemates, during work hours) If he goes out with friends on weekends, he makes sure to take me with him.
He also tells me that if we get married, he’ll be the ones to do house cleaning (because he knows I’m lazy and I’m very vocal about that too), and that he’ll do the cooking too (b/c he knows I can’t cook) and that it’s not a problem for him to take care of children (b/c I told him I don’t want to stop working even when we get kids but I do want to focus on their upbringing too of course). But the thing is, I’m not sure how much truth there is to his words. It’s nice that he can say all that but not sure if he can really do all that.
Post # 48
Oh my god, I just saw your update that all your savings are in a joint account and I think my heart stopped. Girl, until you say “I do” keep your money separate! This scares the hell out of me.
Post # 49
it’s ok that he is your whole world, if you are his in return. You don’t know if he feels the same? Focus on his actions, not his words. I know I mean the world to my husband, even if his words don’t say it, his actions do. I’m nothing special, I’m not any better than you are.
Bee, I know it’s tough. You’ve been with him a long time and you love him but he isn’t treating you as a partner. If you marry him, you will not have a partner, you will have a husband who expects things done his way. If that’s the life you want, you can have that with someone who still makes you feel like you are their entire world. If this was your younger sister, would you want her to settle for less love than she deserves? If you wouldn’t want this for your sister, you shouldn’t want it for yourself.
Post # 50
PS – stop calling yourself lazy. Putting up with this guy and his empty promises seems to be a full time job in itself, that does not make you lazy.
Post # 51
I’m not really that close to his family, though my BF always make sure I am with them when they go on vacations. But I think that is mainly my fault b/c I’m not very good at conversations with people unless they make the initiative to talk to me. So talking to them about this is not an option. Also, my BF is very very close to his mother so I’m not sure how his mother feels about me taking his son away. So far, only his father and his sister are openly saying jokes about my future family with my BF. Things like “your kids should look pretty” -from his sister, and “it’s like we’re taking pre-nup pics here” -from his daddy. But none so far from his mom. So not sure how she feels about this.
That is very good for you. But in my case, my BF tells me it’s fine if I come over to their place even on Saturdays but if he’ll be the one to come over to our place, it will make him tired b/c of the travel. And I’m trying to understand that b/c on Sundays, he first goes to my house to fetch me then we go to malls and at night he also sends me home. So I think I can give him Saturday as his rest day.
Yes contradiction indeed but he is just so adamant on giving half his salary to his parents. He’s normally a person with a long patience and doesn’t get mad easily unless you intentionally piss him off, but when it comes to the topic of his parents he’s kind of sensitive. He says he can’t give them less right now particularly b/c his parents have a lot of bill (paying for 2 other condo units, 1 parking slot etc) He says he doesn’t want them to worry about the bills, that’s why..
Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore and who to listen to anymore. I try to talk about this to my mom, my sister and my aunt and even to my BF himself. But nothing they say could appease me anymore at this stage.
Post # 52
I still want to hang on to the little hope left in me that maybe we could be something good together.
It’s ok, please feel free to share your stories I’d love to hear them. Yes I totally agree with you. And yes most of the time I do feel that my BF is my inspiration in life, him being positive is something I’d like to be as well. But of course there are just some things that I doubt on like if he really truly honestly would want to build a family with me.
This just shows that we do trust each other enough to have a joint account. And throughout the 5 years we’ve been together I didn’t really experience him trying to get the better of me in terms of money. So I think we’re good there. As for my own savings, I’m really bad at budgeting. My mom tells me she is saving money for me. She feels bad that my salary mostly goes to them but I don’t really mind, it’s what I want anyway. After all they are my life. For now.
Of course I’d want the best for my little sister. And that’s actually a whole different story. I’m also not too fond of her boyfriend right now. I think she deserves someone better, but when I do tell her this we always just end up fighting.
That’s also the problem I’m not very good at being able to tell one’s character. Like with my BF, even though we’ve been together for a long time, I still think I don’t know him enough and that I easily doubt a lot of things about him even though I’m supposed to trust him.
Post # 53
OP I agree 100% with NikkiBee18.
He says he wants to give half his salary to his parents until he gets married. He says he can’t afford to get married. He’s set himself up nicely to never be able to afford it!
Tough love time:
I wouldn’t marry you either. By your own admission, you’re terrible with money, you’re lazy, you don’t exercise, you can’t cook, you don’t really socialize or have your own life, you sound completely dependant on your boyfriend for 100% of your emotional support and validation. That’s a very unhealthy dynamic.
I want a partner in life, not an overgrown child. Would YOU want a partner like you?
Who lives in this condo? Is there an actual bank mortage? Why are you giving money to his mother for it? That entire situation is SO strange. If you are 50% owner of this condo, live in it! Enjoy being independent and learning to adult.
Post # 54
You really need to change the pattern that’s developed between the two of you. After 5 years he should be putting you first! Also, I can’t even imagine living with my parents in my late 20s or early 30s. I recommend you move into that condo and live there on your own. It’s time to start growing as a person. Also, open your own savings account and save your own money. You’re 29 already, think about how you’re going to sustain your own future. Stop waiting around for him, live your own life. He’s taking his time moving forward with you because nothing changes between the both of you. Why would he propose to you now, when he knows you’ll wait around for him. Light a fire under his ass by moving ahead with your own life.
Post # 55
This comment. That’s also the problem I’m not very good at being able to tell one’s character. Like with my BF, even though we’ve been together for a long time, I still think I don’t know him enough and that I easily doubt a lot of things about him even though I’m supposed to trust him. Why would you want to marry someone you don’t know well enough to judge his charater after 5 years?
I broke up with my BF of 7 years a few years back. He was my first BF and was quite manipulative. It took a breakup and finding myself again to learn what my own self worth was. I had another hard relationship a few years after that. I’m now in a relationship with the love of my life and there are no questions in the relationship. I don’t have to work at it. His actions show that he loves me. Please find the courage to stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and no reason to doubt yourself at all. You need to be enough on your own before you can fully give yourself to another person.
Post # 56
OP- I have so much to say here but PPs have already covered most of it. Stop making excuses for him. He’s using you. It’s insane the things you’re dealing with and just shitting all over your own bad attitude when he’s the one making you feel this way. He’s gaslighting you- convincing you that you’re the negative one, you’re the one making him adjust to things, you’re the one pressuring him. I don’t see you in this condo with this man. I don’t see you marrying him. This predicament can only improve if you put your foot down. No excuses. You seem like such a sweet woman and you. deserve. better.
If you don’t mind, what don’t you like about your sister’s boyfriend? You say she deserves better, and I’m curious.
Stay strong and stand up for yourself. You’ve got a lot on your plate.
Post # 57
Yes you’re absolutely right. But I don’t know what to tell him about it. 🙁
I understand that, but I told him I can change all that if we were to have a family of our own b/c I would want my kids to grow up to be good people. And I want to build a happy family similar to mine.
No one lives in the condo yet. It hasn’t been turned over to us yet. His mother takes care of the payment process b/c we find it convenient on our part.
Believe me I would very much like to take your advice but there is just a lot of things stopping me. Like the feeling of not wanting to leave my family and live on my own even at this age. But I know when it comes to this, I really am at fault b/c I should be doing things to improve myself and make myself mature more. But somehow I feel stuck right now. I feel like, I only want to move out if I am getting married.
Wow 7 years! That’s tough. It’s weird how even though we’ve been with a person for a long time, sometimes it still doesn’t end well.
Yes I think I still need some time to develop myself more.
Yes but it’s such a scary thought if I can still find someone out there specially considering my current lifestyle. Mostly I work at home and when I’m in the office I am still alone b/c my teammates work on a different shift. And since I’m not outgoing and friendly, I don’t get to meet new people.
About my sister, I just think she deserves a better guy to be with. In my opinion, the guy doesn’t put in much effort in their relationship. But who am I to say that when I don’t know the guy much. So for now I just let my sister be, if she’s happy. But if I see her crying I will definitely do something about it.
Post # 58
Another vote for double life. Go to the condo and see if anyone is living there ASAP.
It sucks every time someone gives you advice you say you can’t take it because of xyz. It’s like you’re determined to keep this clusterfuck going and you just hope HE fixes it. He created it babe. You gotta save yourself.
Post # 59
Yes I know it might sound like I’m just making excuses but I want to make sure that his side is known as well. And I admit I still hope we can be good together even after all this.
Post # 60
This relationship sounds horrible. Red flags everywhere! None of this story is adding up or making any sense.
And why in the world would you ever buy a condo that you’re not allowed to live in?! Sorry Bee but you’re delusional if you think this is how a relationship should be.