Post # 61
Wait, so many things seem off here much of which everyone is addressing. I admit I haven’t thoroughly read through all updates. But from what I gather your guy isn’t thinking about a future involving you at all.
Why are either of you still living at home?
You have been together 5 years and only see each other once a week for a MALL DATE?
Half his income to his family?
You’re assuming fault for all of your fights?
Post # 62
rciel : I’m hearing that you recognize that your sister should be treated better and her boyfriend doesn’t give enough effort. Take a look at what you notice about him, and consider how much effort your boyfriend puts in. Your boyfriend who 1) pays half his salary to his parents but still can’t afford to marry you 2) only sees you on Sunday 3) only goes to the mall with you 4) used a joint savings account with ALL OF YOUR SAVINGS as a down payment on a condo… 5) …that YOU DON’T live in, either alone or with him. I know this is so hard to hear. You have some work to do on your self-esteem, my love…you CAN find someone else. You sound depressed though- no exercise, no socialization, no marriage or kids (which you want badly), no cooking or cleaning… and I think this relationship is to blame. Take some time for yourself. I, along with many other bees, can tell you that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. Sometimes you can’t see how bad it is until you’re out of it.
Post # 63
We live with our parents, we both are very close to our families.
Yes we go on mall dates on sundays. Ocassionally we go on vacations too if there are chances (either with his family or with my family/relatives, or just the two of us, every anniversaries)
Yes half his income.
Yes b/c I am causing us to fight b/c I am not honest and vocal enough about my feelings. When I see a problem I mostly keep it to myself until it escalates and my attitude towards him becomes bad and he notices and asks me about it but I can’t tell him immediately. It takes some time before I get comfortable enough to disucss the problem with him. 🙁
Yes I realize that but really, his Boyfriend or Best Friend is way different than mine. For starters, her Boyfriend or Best Friend is still a student while my sister has already been working for a year. She is the one paying for their dates. They usually go with us every sunday b/c my mom won’t allow just the two of them to go out.
But yes for the things you enumerated I feel very sad and somewhat angry about that. And I also agree with what you say but it’s just so hard to do. Maybe I need to gather more courage and I need more thinking before I come up with a decision. I just don’t want to regret in the end. And I don’t want to let go of a person I love easily.
Post # 64
Bee, since you work from home, why not move into the condo until the two of you are married, so you can be nearer to him and start practicing your domestic skills like cooking, housekeeping, and being independent? You’re already paying for it, and all of those things will benefit both of you in the long run.
During the time that you are living nearer to him and maturing, you two can start to form a more adult relationship. You can have him over for dinner, deal with the stress of day to day scheduling, and learn what it feels like to be your own woman. You’re plenty strong enough and old enough to handle it. If he has an objection to this, it’s because he has a control problem or something to hide.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… if you want this relationship to work, you need to take control of your life and stop being his doormat. If he can handle that side of you, then he’s worth trying for. If not, he’s not as great as you think he is.
Post # 65
ChasingZenith : Yes what you are suggesting makes sense and I will give it a try. I think I also need to mature and learn to live on my own in preparation for a married life. I know I rely too much on my parents. And that is not good at all. At this age, my parents should be the ones relying on me now.
Thank you for that. 🙂
Post # 66
Is this a cultural thing? Where do you live?
Post # 67
rciel : You’re sad! You’re angry! I’m so glad to hear you say that instead of excuses. That is so so amazing. Get in touch with that anger. Get in touch with what makes you sad. I know it’s so hard and if you choose to leave, it could be the hardest thing you do. But hear me. Long term, it will make you stronger. It will make you happier. You are a grown woman and you can do this. Get sad. Get angry. That’s okay. That’s what will give you strength to do what’s right for yourself.
Post # 68
rciel : He also told you that you’d be married before 4 years. His excuse of not being able to save money is bullshit. If you want something bad enough you find ways to make it happen. I myself can’t afford to get married but I have found ways to make it work. I live paycheck to paycheck and my fiance works seasonal. If there’s a will there’s a way.
He’s playing you like a fiddle hun and falling right into it. Like the other Bee’s said, I’d check that condo out, he’s living another life with someone who isn’t pushing him to get married.
Sorry for the bluntness and good luck!
Post # 69
Hi. Can I ask your cultural/ethnic background and does your bf come from the same background?
Cultural norms can play a huge part in how people organize relationships and expectations regarding family dynamics.
Post # 70
Bottom line. If he wanted to marry you he would. Nothing would stand in his way. He doesn’t want to marry you.
If you can live with that- fine- stick around then with no complaints. If not then get rid of this guy and find someone who would move mountains to be married to you.
(Also food for thought- You say a reason you stay with him is because he’s “the only guy who would put up with and accept your negativity and negative outlook.” Obviously he doesn’t accept it or he would have married you by now)
Get out and create the life you’ve dreamed of.
Post # 71
To me it sounds like you arent really listening to what anybody is telling you because you want it to work so bad but i guess love is blinding and also it sounds like he doesnt want to marry you to be completely honest and it sounds like you are being used. As far as him living a double life that is totally plausable the whole situation is just way too shady
Post # 72
Just because you are negative and an introvert does not mean you don’t deserve more!! You deserve it all—you deserve the life that you dream of!!
I am also a naturally negative person and an introvert. I’m also very disorganized. I still have a great life. I live with a husband who loves me and work at a good job with great people.
What do you want out of life? Picture yourself living the life you dream of. What does it look like? Work as that as your goal. Please don’t have so many doubts in yourself.
Your boyfriend does not treat you as he should. This isn’t a partnership. He gets what he wants (including your money!). You just go along with what he wants. Stop thinking of what he wants and think of what you want.
You are obviously unhappy with your situation or you wouldn’t have posted here. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for.
Post # 73
Also sounds like youve got battered wife syndrome imo
Post # 74
- Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York
1. You should not have joint finances with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Please don’t dismiss this piece of advice. You said that you’ve had joint finances with him for a long time and everything’s been fine. But if you try to end the relationship, or if your boyfriend wants to control you, he can withdraw all of the money from your account and leave you in a very bad position. Financial abuse happens to millions of women, and it can absolutely happen to you, so I strongly reccomend you get an individual bank account AND keep your joint account. Even calm, kind individuals can do terrible things if they become abusive or jilted lovers. Use the joint account for “joint expenses”, like paying rent, and keep the rest of your money in your individual account. If he asks why you want the joint account now, you can say you’re trying to improve your money management skills. Please don’t think this won’t ever happen to you!
2. You mentioned willingness to see a counselor. I think that is an awesome idea, because it seems like you need to work on negative thinking. A therapist/counselor/social worker who uses the technique called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” would be very helpful. Also, the person would be able to evaluate your relationship with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and your family from an objective point of view and tell you if it’s okay or if you’re in a toxic sitaution. Please consult with a professional to get advice, it would be very helpful. Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of seeing someone.
3. You shouldn’t feel like you have to stay with your Boyfriend or Best Friend because you won’t find anyone else who will tolerate your imperfections. I really relate to this. I dated someone who was very abusive, controlling, and manipulative for a whole year! Part of the reason why I stayed with him for so long is because he would mistreat me and then I would mistreat him back. I realized deep down I wasn’t being treated well, but since I was mistreating him back I thought I wouldn’t be able to find anyone to tolerate me, either. However, after I broke up with him, and after dating other men and finding Mr. Joseph, I realized something important; the abusive person that I dated brought out the worst in me. The person you end up with should bring out the best in you. They should inspire you to be your best self, and you should do the same for them. That’s what I have with Mr. Joseph. The way you behave and the dynamics that you have with one person will not necessarily be the same behavior/dynamic that you will have with other boyfriends/partners down the road.
Please look out for yourself and pay attention to your “gut feeling”! Don’t write off or ignore what some of these ladies are telling you.
Post # 75
So, let me get this straight: You are a 29-year-old adult woman who does not live with your boyfriend of 5 years, only sees him on Sundays like you are two 12-year-olds dating, he does not respect you enough to take your feelings/thoughts seriously, won’t marry you, lets him “handle” your finances &savings without asking for details, have never seen this guy mad (and ALL humans get mad), put blame about everything on yourself, you both give half your salaries to your family, make completely absurd and crippling financial decisions, and accept everything he says at face value with no actions to back it up.
Oh, and you hate the situation but you refuse to break up with him, refuse to propose to him yourself, and refuse to set boundaries and make demands.
Fantastic. I hope you are content living this perpetually miserable life you have chosen for yourself.
Just want to make sure you know that you are making the worst possible decisions for yourself according to pretty much any financial and relationship expert you could possibly find.
If you actually want to get help out of this, you can do it. You deserve better. But I have a feeling by your responses, you won’t. So good luck. You’ll need it.