Boyfriend taking too long to propose

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
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  • Post # 76
    Member
    259 posts
    Helper bee

    I think you have to take equal responsibility for this mess of a relationship. This is not all your boyfriends doing.

    1. He suggested you move into this empty condo you own but you refused. He said your sister and family could moved in with you but you want it to be ‘new and special’ with him.

    2. Yes, your boyfriend is giving away half his salary but sounds like you are giving away most of what you earn to your parents as well.

    3. You only see each other once a week and you take your sister and her boyfriend with you when you see him. When you do see him he drives 1 hour to pick you all up and then has to drive you all an hour home too? 

    4. While you say you wanted to be married by 27 and have children by 30 in the next breath you say you are not ready to and don’t want to leave your parents, you can’t manage money,  can’t cook, can’t clean…

    5. You see him once a week at the mall and seem perfectly happy with this? This does not sound like an adult relationship at all.

    6.you are bitter because he hasn’t proposed in the past year or so, you love him so much, hes so perfect etc etc but you also feel like you don’t really know him.

     

    Your relationship is a mess and it’s every bit as much your fault as his.

    Post # 77
    Member
    259 posts
    Helper bee

    I would love to see your boyfriends version of this story.

    I only see my girlfriend once a week and when I do, I have to drive 2 hours to collect her (and her sister) and drop her home. She takes her sister with her on most of our dates. I tell her she can come and spend time with me on Saturdays at my place but she never does. We bought a condo in same place as I am but she won’t move in. I have promised by girlfriend that when we get married I will do the cooking, cleaning and children rearing because she claims she can’t. She is no good with money and gives most of it to her family because ‘they are her life’.She makes no effort to talk to my family and will not meet her own friends without me being with her. She talks to noone at work, she really only talks with me and her family. Although she claims she wants to get married she depends totally on her family and does not actually want to leave them.

    Should I marry this woman? Advice…

    Post # 78
    Member
    9663 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Girl NO. Girl NOOOOO.

    This is the 99 cent store of relationships, cheap and likely expired. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee

    Why don’t you make the effort to head out to his place on Saturdays? You guys could have a weekend together. I couldn’t imagine not seeing the fiance all the time. Even when we didn’t live together we saw each other at least 4 days out of the week….though I will admit, the first month of our relationship was fueled in large part by sleep deprivation. 

    This all sounds so silly. You bought a condo together? You have a savings account together (also, if you have a savings account why can’t he afford to at least pop the question?), you don’t really have alone time since you take your sister with you all the time, you can’t do all these really simple things–though I doubt you on that. I think you just haven’t done those things so you *think* you can’t do them.  Also, if you don’t know how to do anything  the whole wide internet is avilable for learning. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve googled “How to make hard boiled eggs”. 

    There are many articles and videos on boiling eggs.  You are not as helpless as you think. 

     

    If you want to be married then just wrestle out a time line with this dude. Get a 5 year plan together. If you can’t get that done how will you even begin to build a life together? 

    At the very least get a taste for freedom, move out on your own, start to struggle. I struggled first moving out. Struggled with budgetting, with cleaning/organization, with grocery shopping, decorating etc. 

    No one died, which is the most important thing. 

    You can totally do this! 

    Post # 80
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee

    I won’t repeat what the other ladies have said. Do you not have a car that you can go visit him on saturdays so he doesn’t have to drive 2 hour round trip? You’d actually be able to get another day of the week with him. I’m not sure how a relationship can function with only one day a week together at the mall. You aren’t even able to be alone to talk because your sister and her bf tag along. 

    I know you said your parents arent ok health-wise, but your sister lives at home and you plan to move out eventually. I think you’re just making excuses because you’re scared. Please consider moving into the condo to work on cooking and cleaning and independence. At 29 you should have these skills already. 

    I understand you both want to help your parents, but there comes a point where it’s detrimental to your lives (and that time has come years ago). You both have siblings that can help your parents it shouldn’t just be you two. 

    Lease a car, move into the condo, use the car to visit your family when you want to. The lifestyle that you and your boyfriend have chosen seems to have stunted your maturity growth – this sounds like a teenage couple, not a couple in their 30s. That could explain why he’s not ready to marry you – he’s basically a 16 year old in a man’s body. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    5979 posts
    Bee Keeper

    This is all starting to sound like a sad, alternate-ending version of Failure to Launch. 

    OP, you deserve to be happy but it’s sounding to me like you’re living like a 15 year old girl (weekly mall dates with your sis tagging along after 5 years together?!) and the thought of adulting frightens you- so marriage to you is your boyfriend stepping up and taking care of everything for you. Why can’t you cook and clean? Those are easily learned basic life skills- even if you have special needs you haven’t mentioned, there are classes geared to this, many of them low cost or even free in the community. You don’t even know how to manage your own chequing account! 

    Your parents- and seemingly your boyfriend’s parents- are not doing you any favours if they’re helicopter parenting you to the extent you feel you can’t function as an independent, decision-making adult. Please learn life skills- cooking, laundry, cleaning, banking. If you and your boyfriend own a condo together (which I find hellaweird in a once-a-week-mall-date relationship), it’s odd that it’s sitting empty when at least one of you could be living there- but why on earth aren’t you at least handling the financing/ expenses/ upkeep together instead of his mom doing it all for you both? 

    OP, based on your updates here, I think you really need to make ‘adulting’ here your first priority- including getting professional help for anything standing in your way of accomplishing this. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    1017 posts
    Bumble bee

    RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Seriously, how does someone not know how to wipe counters and dust, this isn’t rocket science or advanced gymnastics, I have debilitating physical conditions and can still do these things. 

    Post # 83
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee

    man i still want an update from OP!

    Post # 84
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee

    cb93 :  I wish I had read this a few months ago because that’s exactly how I felt with my ex before I finally had the balls to just walk away.

    Post # 85
    Member
    558 posts
    Busy bee

    rciel :  If this is about finance, you could try asking your families for help and paying them back over time if you (both) set up a montlhy standing order to the helper/s, it would show your joint serious commitment to the wedding.

    Next, you must stop setting expectations for the future, as that is why you may be negative.

    You can’t negociate with fate (such as about what age you will get married) only with real people (such as your boyfriend)

    If factors are preventing you but the will is present, address those factors head on.

    The only way to progress is by being practical and asking for help when necessary and negociating.

    Ask the advice of older people in futre, they will all be thrilled. Do not think too much by yourself, take up a hobby you always wanted to try. Try looking up what is going on in your area (a class of some kind) and then bring some of that happiness you gain back into your relationship. Your partner will be happy that you can find happiness in many things and radiate it back to him. You are meant to be a vessel for positivity. And if you can easily absorb negativity it shows me you can absorb happiness too. And the best thing about absorbing happiness is that it shows and you make a difference to many people’s lives. Find your happiness, it’s everywhere 🙂

    Post # 86
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    I am also extremely negative, pessimistic, and very often in a bad mood or just upset about stupid things as well! So I can completely relate. However, my fiance is understanding of my feelings and has never done anything to make me feel confused or suspicious or questioning our future. I like what one person suggested about moving into the condo – figure out if he’s leading a double life! And learn how to live independently from your family, because it’s really important to have had that experience *before* getting married. It’s such a big transition to live on your own from your parents, and another big transition to live with an S/O, so taking it in small steps will set you up for more success. 🙂

    Also, please update on this after you move into the condo, or if he does propose! I’m really curious to find out what happens!

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