Boyfriend texting a 17 yr old…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Look tbh it does all seem quite innocent, but. If I were a mother I don’t think I would want my 17 year old texting a 40 year old no matter if it was innocent or not. It is pretty creepy and this is 2018 – we all gotta be on high alert. Your partner shouldn’t be texting a 17 year old. Period. 

Maybe just suggest to him that texting can be misconstrued, no matter the topic of conversation. 

Post # 4
11075 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
needyouradviceplease :  

In these situations, the risk of embarrassing an innocent adult is a very small price to pay in exchange for supporting and protecting the potential child victim.

Trust your instincts.

There is no legit reason for a 40-something male to be choosing a 17 year old girl as his sidekick. In this era, he’s showing pretty poor judgement.

And 20 messages?! There just isn’t a legit reason for that.

There is a whangin’ age disparity and an adult in a position of trust.

This all started when the girl was still legally a child. It still can and should be reported, Bee. And rather than spend a lot of time debating whether it should be reported to the police vs CPS, I’ll make it simple, report it to both. Let the agencies decide what to do with it.

If this is, indeed, who he is, you have the chance to throw down some spike strips in his path to his next victim.

Any interaction between an adult and a child that is remotely untoward has to be examined. Always. The damage that can be done by failing to act is stupefying.

Expect the girl to be uncooperative, at best.  If she gets clingy with your bf, it’s a very ominous sign that damaging stuff has happened.

There are steps the adults can take to ameliorate the damage caused by childhood sexual abuse. Front and center is to do something. Making a report, calling police, those kinds of activities go a long way. As does believing and validating.

I am terribly sorry, Bee. If not for the girl’s age, your bf could be written off as your basic, garden variety arsehole. That she was a minor changes everything.

Post # 6
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I really get where you’re all coming from but what exactly should be reported to the police here? 20 messages, none of them sexual or overly familiar, throughout a year. She is showing interest in something he cares about – is there no chance he’s only trying to be nice and mentor her? When I was younger than her, a neighbour of mine (at least 15y older than me) tutored me in Maths and seeing that I didn’t have a lot of friends and we shared an interest in books, he often let me borrow books and after lessons we talked about the books. He helped me realize that it’s ok to be interested in things my classmates thought were dumb. He never put a finger out of line and now, more than a decade later we’re still friends and occasionally meet up. 

Post # 7
5317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Personally I don’t see the issue here.  You have said yourself that all the texts relate to the class and the assistant job, except for one birthday text which literally just sayd “happy birthday”.  

 I actually completely disagree with the previous poster that this should be reported without question.  Reported to who?  Reported for what?  This is 20 messages over the course of a year, not an evening. To just say “there is no need for 20 messages at all” is a massive oversimplification of the situation. 

At that age various teachers or club leaders etc would text us when it related to the club/team etc.  It is not as if they are actually chatting or hanging out.  

Post # 8
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
needyouradviceplease :  I totally get where you are coming from, but I do also think theres a good chance this is innocent.  I started working at 15 and had several adult coworkers and we would text sporadically about work and I would send and receive birthday messages.  Non ever gave an indication of a romantic or sexual interest.  I would be far more concerned if they were more regular messages or about more general subjects 

I would just talk to him about it and Express your concerns, see how he reacts.


Post # 11
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Just going off the details you gave, there really isn’t anything from them that would give a viable cause for concern.

It sounds like all the messages are generally on a professional or weather interest/mentoring level. The meet up message sounds like it pertained to the application? So, if he was intending to meet up to go over it and further interview then that would make sense.

I guess the only thing semi weird is that he went to the effort of saving her birthday in his personal calendar. Is he usually big on remembering/acknowledging birthdays especially coworkers? Because some people are like that. It wouldn’t really be strange either from a mentor standpoint. She could have emphasized her birthday in general conversation. Doesn’t mean he stole it off her app.

I agree with others that I don’t think what you’ve wrote warrants reporting. Unless there are other details or tone of the texts we aren’t aware of.

Post # 13
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Honestly, considering what you’ve said about how your previous relationship has affected you and the current state of your relationship, I think you should seek out a personal therapist.

So you can

1. Process and work through the trauma you went through with your previous partner.

2. Address the unhealthy behaviors (going through personal belongings/messages). It sounds like a lot of the trauma from previous relationships could be also impacting how you are gauging your current one.

3. Analyze where your current relationship is at and if there are details to it that should be cause for alarm. If not, how to work on it and establish trust.


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