Boyfriend texting a 17 yr old…

posted 2 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

needyouradviceplease :  

Bee, I say this with all the love and care in the world—your picker is fried. It doesn’t work.

How interesting that your intuition has sprung back to life when it concerns a vulnerable young girl. 

How your Picker Chip got damaged is a mystery that probably will require therapy to solve. The reason you continue to get involved with crappy men is most likely rooted in some early experiences. We tend to repeat the same relationship dynamics over and over, thinking we can fix it this time. That’s called repetition compulsion, and it drives us unconsciously.

Just your reaction to the ggratuitous lap dance speaks volumes. You were probably stunned into silence at first. He went right to gaslighting you, trying to make your jealousy unreasonable. And, most importantly, you stayed with him.

That sent one heck of a message. No mere words can undo it.

Definitely, Bee, give therapy a try.  We need to get your picker into good working order. And be sure to tell the therapist everything about your bf and his teenage friend. Mandatory reporting laws being what they are, this could take the burden off of you. At the very least, your therapist can offer you guidance on the best wat to help the child, going foreword.

Post # 78
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

needyouradviceplease :  

Yup, triangulation is their specialty.

And for a narcissist, there’s no such thing as an “ex”, irrespective of what the escapees may think.

Post # 80
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

made2comment :  considering I am much older than most of you, I have been in these exact situations a few times. I give advice based on my past experience and what I learned.

3 of my cheating exes can tell you, the moment I found out they were being unfaithful, I packed them up, moved them out and never wasted another minutes worrying about them. Life is to short to waste time time thinking about them

Post # 81
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

Whether you’re trigged from past experience or current…go through everything. If it sounds or feels wrong or off…listen to that voice. You are not wrong.

Post # 82
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Ok,

penny1403 :  that’s fine, & i totally understand that. But your first comment was snarky & gross. Almost a “f*** you, OP! He can cheat if he wants to & you can’t do s***!!” Which doesnt help at all & is unproductive at the very least. This board is full of ppl asking about questionable behavior & cheating spouses. Your most recent comment was waaay more thoughtful & informative. 

Post # 83
Hostess
3074 posts
Sugar bee

I think it’s inappropriate they were texting so much, considering his role as an authority figure and given her age. 

I also find it a tremendous red flag that he had her 18th birthday saved as an event in his phone. Is he counting down til she’s “legal” to have sexual with? Why was he so defensive when you brought her up? Would texting her so much endanger his job? Most teachers I know, for example, will not friend a student on Facebook, because it could be considered untoward.

In any event, I think you should trust your gut. That alarm in your brain is going off for a reason. I find it strange, and red flags would be going off for me too.

I agree with sassy411, and I also think he’s gaslighting you by making you feel crazy for thinking his relationship with this girl is weird. Just like he did with having a young girl grinding on him IN FROMT OF YOU at a party. “It was t inappropriate, and was just drunk, you must be jealous.” No, sorry, that doesn’t fly.

Post # 84
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

 

needyouradviceplease :  

Here’s the thing about being ‘triggered’ by something the current SO does due to past SOs’ behaviors; that’s more often than not a lie we tell ourselves because we want it to be true. We want all of the anxiety and insecurity we feel to be our fault. The alternative is too uncomfortable.

In reality, what’s happening is that you have chosen a partner who is helping you recreate the same relationship dynamics you had with the exes. The two people can appear to be as different as night and day, lulling you into thinking that you have finally broken your pattern. But, though the SO may look different and sound different and live a different lifestyle than your exes, your relationship is repeating the same unhealthy dynamic.

Usually, it’s reminiscent of an early experience that was never adequately resolved for you. You came to my unconsciously link love and anxiety. 

We are drawn to people who feel familiar. Something about these guys is a common denominator in terms of how your dynamics play out.

We also, again, very often, unconsciously repeat traumatic relationships over  and over. We’re trying to gain mastery over a situation over which we once had no control. We try to find a way to put a better ending on it.

It invariably fails, and you’re left wondering why you can’t find a decent partner.  What’s wrong with you? The only thing “wrong” is that you are stuck in an old pattern that is not serving you well.

The first step toward freeing yourself is to bring the unconscious material forward, into conscious awareness so it stops leading you around by the nose. A good therapist can be invaluable in this. Also, journaling will allow you to see connections you may have otherwise missed.

When you think of your SO or are with him, ask yourself: when have I felt this way before? Who does he remind me of? Don’t force it. Just keep asking yourself those questions. Your answers will come.

You pretty much have to be flying solo to go through this kind of healing process. A relationship just adds confusion. It will be worth it if you come out on the other side healthier and able to recognize a healthy, honorable men.

Ultimately, we usually find ourselves learning that all of that anxiety and insecurity was not an irrational reaction. It’s actually entirely reality based. That anxiety is your intuition yelling in your ear. You feel insecure because you are insecure. You are involved with a guy who has proven himself to be of poor character. He is not honorable. He is not trustworthy. There’s a strong probability that he is a sexual predator. He lacks impulse control. He doesn’t have or respect healthy boundaries.

For gawd’s sake, being with this guy should make you nervous. That’s adaptive. Your intuition is telling you that you are in danger and you need to flee.

There is no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t much different with your priors.

After you work through the wounds of your past and are ready to meet someone healthy and whole, you will notice an enormous difference. You won’t feel anxious. You will feel lifted up, not dragged down. Your insecurities will be calmed, the good guy’s steadiness and candor will be a balm for your soul. You will know the joy of absolute trust. It’s glorious. Once you remove the source of your suffering, you will be clearing space in your head. This makes it possible to become far more productive and creative than ever before.

You can do this, Bee. You don’t have to live this way.

Post # 85
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

 

What he is doing is very unprofessional. He randomly texted her about a Christmas gadget he got? To initiate a text conversation for fun? Yeah that’s a nope. All texts with her should only be related to the actual job she wanted/ applied for. Him initiating friend like texts with her is so gross. He shouldn’t be wishing a random young lady a happy birthday or telling her about something he just bought. Highly inappropriate. Those actions show he is wanting to randomly chat with her, and befriend her. Gross. How much further would it have gone I’d she replied and went with it? Ewww. If I were her mother I would not want a random 40 year old dude texting her happy birthday. NOPE. 

If she works for him he needs to block her # and communicate only via his work email. If she doesn’t work for him he needs to block her ASAP. Regardless he also does not need to be social media friends with young people at work. That is overstepping 100%. 

needyouradviceplease :  

Post # 86
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  some of my best friends and mentors are men who are older than me (wise grandfather type of relationship) and I turn to them regularly for advice on life. I would be saddened if they were afraid to talk to me just because I am younger.

Post # 87
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I would have a serious conversation with my boyfriend why he was texting and following a teenager. I would seriously think about ending the relationship because I wouldn’t be able to handle my boyfriend texting another woman 

Post # 88
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Hi op… any update on this?

Post # 89
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

So, a teacher having a conversation with a 17yo with career aspirations in his field about an assistant job, and even meeting in person about the job – 100% totally normal. Maybe doing it by text isn’t the most professional, but a lot of young folks just use text these days, so whatever.

Him talking to her about a piece of equipment he got for his job – 70% normal. If she’s interested in this as a career, there are professional reasons for having that conversation, although it does seem a little bit overly familiar. 

Him having her 18th birthday saved in his iPhone calendar – 0% normal. He’s counting down the days until she’s 18 so she’ll be legal for sex.

Post # 90
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Just playing devils advocate here. My iPhone saves people’s birthdays in my phone calendar automatically if I’m friends on Facebook with them. Is he friends on Facebook with her? Could it be a case of that?

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