Boyfriend wants to get married but does not want to do a proposal

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
5041 posts
Bee Keeper

Well, the ship sailed on so-called “being traditional” if you’re already to the point of sharing bank accounts.  It’s a bit disingenuous to cry about being traditional when none of your actions match those words and you didn’t treat it like it mattered.  Communicating what you want and matching your actions to that is key, as is finding someone who is compatible and wants and values the same things you do.

And to echo PPs you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Not that I’m advocating you just drive to city hall now – which is a completely valid and fiscally responsible way to get married for most people who aren’t ignoring big honking red flags.

You previously jumped into and out of a marriage that cost you tens of thousands of dollars into a relationship with someone else who is financial dead weight with bad credit and the two of you can’t seem to communicate like mature adults about the topic of engagement without it turning into a fight.

Nobody in this story should be worried about engagement right now.  Everyone in this story should be taking some more time to mature, learn how to communicate, and pull themselves out of their financial black hole so divorce doesn’t come knocking on the door again due to communication and financial issues.

Post # 17
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

As a divorcee, I do understand where you are coming from. This is your second go and you want it to be more special than your last, you want a man that will sweep you off your feet and make more of an effort with a romantic proposal and better wedding. It doesn’t seem you want an extravagant one, just something a bit tasteful, traditional (whatever that means to you) which I completely back up and no one should be denied that. Courthouse weddings can be lovely, you just have to coordinate well and it can be memorable and give you all those feelings you want for your special day.  If you want a ring, then suggest a cheap band to start, you don’t need a JLo sparkler! it is the love and commitment that counts.

However! If you are scared of making the commitment to someone who sounds like your ex and can’t be bothered to have an adult conversation and take your feelings into consideration, then you need to really rethink all of this. He should be supportive and attentive to how you are feeling, this relationship should make you feel secure that you are not making the same mistakes again. Also, if he has bad finances this is a major red flag-money is one of the biggest things people fight about and if you can’t speak openly about this or fix it before tying yourself to him, it will surely give you trouble in the coming years. I have always been of the thinking that if you don’t have your finances in order, one should not marry! This is so key to an adult relationship and your SO should not have to pay for your bad credit.

 

Post # 18
Member
6981 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

“You previously jumped into and out of a marriage that cost you tens of thousands of dollars into a relationship with someone else who is financial dead weight with bad credit and the two of you can’t seem to communicate like mature adults about the topic of engagement without it turning into a fight.”

DING DING DING!

OP read this again. The lack of a ring and special proposal should be the least of your worries right now. Stop and think things through here. Are you making smart choices? 

Post # 19
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feel special. My biggest concern would be that you aren’t feeling that way in general. Does your boyfriend make you feel special? If not, that could be another reason you find yourself needing the proposal to be “a MOMENT.” If you do need that additional assurance I would be careful to consider your relationship and make sure that you’re getting your needs met and you are truly happy vs. ticking off boxes and timelines for the sake of a traditional relationship/marriage. His bad credit is a flag too – is he working to improve it or is he bad with money in general? A $20,000 divorce is bad enough but tying yourself financially to someone who is terrible with money could be all the more costly. Your credit could end up ruined as well. Take care.

Post # 20
Member
2877 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I am concerned that he has no credit. Even if he has no credit he could still save up for something simple. Does it have to be a diamond? He could get a cubic zirconia from Berricle or Amazon it you could do something like a lab sapphire on silver. I don’t think you are making for too much at all. Does he have a job? You say that you have combined accounts. Are you supporting him? I see lots of red flags.

 

Post # 21
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@Er615:  Marriage is more than rings and your special moment. You are looking at the wrong things here. If you want to make it speical… then make it special. PPs have given great ideas! Etsy or Berricle has some very affordable bands you both can get. Wear your favorite outfit. Go out to eat at your favorite place. Thats a special day b/c you’re marrying your special husband. If the bells and whistles of a wedding day outweigh your future marriage to this person then don’t marry them.

Post # 23
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

View original reply
@Er615:  “wow our relationship is more than a trip the the court house (dmv style). I have been there and done that. I don’t want to make the same mistake.”

Yikes, this is really concerning. You seem to be identifying your previous mistake with your ex as not having had a ring and a ceremony. If you got divorced after a MONTH, then the problem with that relationship was not a ring and ceremony–it was that your relationship was horrible. 

I can appreciate that you want a ring and proposal and the whole shebang, which is fine, but it seems that there are far more serious problems to consider than that–and you’re NOT considering them. Listen, this marriage will implode with or without a ring and proposal if you don’t stop focusing on the wrong crap and start focusing on the state of your relationship itself. 

Post # 24
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@MiniMeow:  *high five* from another tasteless and unthoughtful people who did not have a traditional proposal. There are a lot of ways to have a special moment. FH and I had a lot of really great conversations in the 2.5 years before we got engaged. Many of them were special. I remember when we sheepishly said “you’re the one” to each other over dinner at an inexpensive chain restaurant. When we talked about the possibility of having a traditional proposal we decided it would feel disengenuous since we had both already stated to each other that we wanted to get married. After we announced to our families though, when we finally had some time to ourselves that day and we got in the car to drive home I turned to him and said “you’re my fiancé” and he BEAMED. That was a special moment. 

OP, if your guy really does not want a traditional proposal and traditional wedding why are you expecting him to bend to your desires? Why do you get what you want and he doesn’t – especially when what you want requires a lot of effort on his part. 

Post # 25
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I agree with PP. A nice moissy or CZ ring would be just fine, right? If he can’t afford an $80 ring, maybe he has a lot more work to do with finances before you should marry him. 

Post # 26
Member
7133 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I wouldn’t have my partner (who I already know has bad credit) on my bank accounts. I also would not legally (and financially) tie myself to someone who didn’t have a solid relationship with money. A proposal seems less of a concern than that stuff.

Post # 27
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

The financial issues are far more important than jewelry and special moments and should be straightened out before even considering tying yourself to someone legally.

Post # 28
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Let him straighten his credit out completely; then you can decide if he’s a good bet to marry.

Post # 29
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Wait–you already share financial accounts with someone who has bad credit and wants to hurry you into marriage??? Get your name off those accounts and your money out of them. Now. Then wait a year and see what he does about his credit. Then think about marrying him. Maybe.

Post # 30
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper

Marrying this man is a very bad idea.

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