Boyfriend wants to live together before marriage but I don't. What to do?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

Not to sound rude, but you’re young and have been seeing this guy for only a year so I think you’re thinking about it too much. Give it time. You’re already afraid you might have to break up because neither might compromise? Definitely don’t move in yet.

He could possibly change his mind in the future, but I highly doubt it. From my experience, those who have to live together before marriage think of it more as a necessity. 

Post # 3
Member
973 posts
Busy bee

Personally I firmly believe in living together before marriage, especially when the couple is young. I think it causes both people to grow up and the relationship to mature more than it ever could when living at home or separate in the same maount of time. Most of the time you grow into a better version of yourselves, but sometimes you find out the other person just isn’t for you or isn’t ready to grow up. Also, do you really want to be in a relationship for 4-5 more years where you don’t get to fall asleep with each other at night? That’s one of my favorite things about being with my SO. Having the sense of togetherness and support structure that living together brings might make it easier for you to pursue your career dreams.

That said, if you have religious reasons for feeling this way I completely respect that and he should too. If he doesn’t, and he’s trying to push you to go against your beliefs, thats a HUGE no no. What about when he decides its not that important for the kids to go to church, etc etc? It’s important to have a strong and complete respect of each others’ religions.

Post # 4
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

I know where you are coming from. I didn’t want to live with my boyfriend until we were engaged. We had been together 4.5 years by the time that happend and were 23 and 26 when we moved in together. Luckily for me, my Darling Husband shared my traditional values in that regard so it was never a point of tension for us. When we moved in together it was a seamless transition and I really don’t regret waiting for an engagement at all. Just my opinion but I wouldn’t live with my boyfriend at 21 having only dated for 1 year and still in school. Regardless of marriage, that seems a little rushed! To each their own tho! This is a very split topic for people. 

Post # 5
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

eee59 :  I would date but not move in until engaged. So spend lot time together and when he knows your the one he can propose.  Then move in and you can be engaged for awhile before its final to make real sure.

Post # 6
Member
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Neither of you is wrong, it just means that maybe you don’t want the same things.

I’m with your boyfriend in that I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. That doesn’t mean how you want to do things isn’t a good way, it’s just not the way *I* would do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right. If you know that you that you absolutely don’t want to live together until marriage, but he won’t get married without living together, you might just have to say that this realtionship isn’t right for you and move on.

 

Post # 7
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

eee59 :  I was in a similar situation as you. I met my Fiance when I was 22 and he was 26. I never really wanted to live with someone before marriage (not for religious reasons, I just wanted to be excited after getting married instead of going about the same day to day). But my Fiance wanted to live together. 

We talked about it and we were both willing to compromise if it meant staying together. But the funny thing about life is you never know what to expect! He got a job across the country that we would be dumb to not move for. So (this was after he proposed) I moved in with him because I’m not about to pay $1300 in rent by myself haha.

Basically, my point is that you can have ideals for the future but just enjoy your time now! You’re super young and you never know what will happen. However, I never think it’s good to give up 100% on your belief system for someone. And personally, I would never live with someone before they proposed. But that’s just me.

Post # 8
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Neither of you is wrong about your views on living together, but you’ll have to compromise on those views at some point. I agree it sounds like he’s not fond of compromise based on some of the other things he’s said. If you can’t compromise on that, how can your relationship survive long term?

Just because you like him now doesn’t necessarily mean that you two will be compatible in the long run. Focus on your school, and know when to cut your losses while you’re still ahead. 

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I think this subject has to assessed on a couple to couple basis. My Fiance and I moved in together after only 11 months of dating, I was 19 and he was 20. We were only dating at the time. It was a HUGE commitment and we both had to adjust to living with each other. Here we are three years later and engaged and I wouldn’t change a thing. It allowed us to become adults together and it was soooo nice to have the freedom of living on your own while also having someone there to support you and grow with you.

IMO I would never want to marry someone without knowing that I could peacefully live with them.

Post # 10
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Stick to your guns.

 Google the New York Times article on the downside of cohabitation. Tried to include link here but couldn’t.

Post # 11
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t move in with him.

I guarantee you this is a mess waiting to happen. Aggravation and frustration await you if you move in with him or wait and hope he sees things from your side. This would throw a wrench into the works that is your schooling, too. Basically, your plans for your life would come to a halt. That sounds dramatic, I’m sure, but that’s what tends to happen in these situations, and your description of your boyfriend gives that impression. 

Live separately and keep dating him. Do not move in with him just to keep him. Move in with him if and/or when you truly want to and it is in line with what you want in life. 

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do just to keep this man. Don’t compromise your values just to keep this man. Follow your instincts.

Post # 12
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Carolsays :  Yes, I recommend this article as well. 

Post # 13
Member
417 posts
Helper bee

Stick to your decision. If you have to compromise your morals/beliefs for someone, it’s not a relationship worth staying in. And if you don’t plan to get married for another 5-6 years, that’s 5-6 years of getting to know each other and growing up and maturing for both of you.
I know many, MANY couples who waited to live together until marriage. (Quite a few even saved kissing for marriage!) And you know what? They’re ALL happily married. From my parents (married 30+ years) to many good friends married 1-9 years, to myself, married for 7 months today.

Moving in together before marriage was never an option for us, for religious reasons. I don’t regret it one bit. 

Post # 14
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I was in a similar position, although for me I was ok moving in together after getting engaged…just not before. My Fiance wanted to live together before we got engaged, but ultimately agreed to bend to my will lol. I think one of us would have given in either way eventually though…I certainly wouldn’t have thrown the relationship away over this.

I think you really just need to think about what’s most important to you. Is this principle of not living together until marriage more important than being with your boyfriend? It might very well be! If it is, then stick to your guns and find a different relationship, because you’re not compatible with your current guy. If you think there’s room for flexibility, on the other hand, then you should explore that. Maybe you could agree to live together after you get engaged, for example. But really dig into the reasons why you hold this principle. Is it something you personally deeply believe, or is it more about being afraid of disappointing your parents? I know for me, it was kind of a mixture of the two. I didn’t have any moral issues with cohabitating before marriage, but a) I knew it would devastate my parents (which was not a good enough reason on its own to choose not to do it) and b) I didn’t want to uproot my life and live with someone who I wasn’t 100% sure was committed to me. Which is why I decided I’d be good living with him after we got engaged.

Anyway just explore your own motivations and make sure you’re making decisions for YOU, not for anyone else like your parents. If you realize that waiting for marriage is really truly vitally important for you, that’s cool, stick to it, even if it means saying goodbye to your guy. If not, then try to find a compromise.

Also….you’re 21. You got plenty of time girl!

Post # 15
Member
6603 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

eee59 :  My best friend was of the same mindset.  Her boyfriend was willing to deal with that, letting go of his own beliefs as far as that went (and sex, for that matter).  They celebrated 10 years marriage this past year.  Obviously it all depends on personalities, but there are still ways to know if you are compatible – even a week’s vacation will tell you something.  And you can always just discuss things – how does he feel about dishwashing, how often does he do laundry, do you need separate spaces, when do you go to bed, when do you wake, etc.  It may be harder, but it’s still feasible.  And I say this as a person who personally advocates living together for the same reason your boyfriend does.  

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors