Post # 1
Hi! Let me just start off by saying marriage is nowhere close to being in the picture right now but I’m stupidly worrying about this and my future anyway.
I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22 and we’ve been together almost a year now. We both want to get married and have kids in the future, that’s a goal for both of us and ideally it will happen with each other but yes it’s early and who knows what time will tell us.
We do have one difference in values related to that though that’s caused me worry because it doesn’t seem like right now anyone is willing to compromise. I am definitely the traditional one of us and want the whole traditional sequence of events, including moving in after marriage. He, however said he doesn’t think he could commit to marriage unless he lives with someone first because he says you can’t know how someone lives and is until you live with them. I don’t agree with this at all from family experience and believe you can make compromises after. Regardless, neither of us agrees with the other. This worries me a lot because I truly do love him. I even told him maybe it would be possible if we were already engaged at some point but I can’t 100% say for certain I’d live with him even then. He keeps telling me to stop worrying but I worry because I’m afraid that in the future his ideas won’t budge and mine won’t either and then years down the line we will have to break up because we can’t come to a compromise over that.
Let me also say that yes I’m 21 and I’m grad school so realistically speaking if I had to pick any age at the very least to get married it would be 26/27 because I need to finish school and have a steady career and finances for a while before that’s even a thought and so does he, so it’s not like I’m in a rush or anything. I’m just worried and don’t want to waste my time in the future. He says he loves me but if something doesn’t make him happy but it makes me happy he wouldn’t necessarily do it for me, but at the same time is it too wishful of me to think that over the course of hopefully years of dating he will see it from my side? I’m his longest and most serious relationship thus far and so he’s never really taken years to get to know someone so not sure. What do you think I should do? I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m so much into the future but even now the thought of moving in together with someone before marriage scares the crap out of me LOL
Post # 2
Not to sound rude, but you’re young and have been seeing this guy for only a year so I think you’re thinking about it too much. Give it time. You’re already afraid you might have to break up because neither might compromise? Definitely don’t move in yet.
He could possibly change his mind in the future, but I highly doubt it. From my experience, those who have to live together before marriage think of it more as a necessity.
Post # 3
Personally I firmly believe in living together before marriage, especially when the couple is young. I think it causes both people to grow up and the relationship to mature more than it ever could when living at home or separate in the same maount of time. Most of the time you grow into a better version of yourselves, but sometimes you find out the other person just isn’t for you or isn’t ready to grow up. Also, do you really want to be in a relationship for 4-5 more years where you don’t get to fall asleep with each other at night? That’s one of my favorite things about being with my SO. Having the sense of togetherness and support structure that living together brings might make it easier for you to pursue your career dreams.
That said, if you have religious reasons for feeling this way I completely respect that and he should too. If he doesn’t, and he’s trying to push you to go against your beliefs, thats a HUGE no no. What about when he decides its not that important for the kids to go to church, etc etc? It’s important to have a strong and complete respect of each others’ religions.
Post # 4
I know where you are coming from. I didn’t want to live with my boyfriend until we were engaged. We had been together 4.5 years by the time that happend and were 23 and 26 when we moved in together. Luckily for me, my DH shared my traditional values in that regard so it was never a point of tension for us. When we moved in together it was a seamless transition and I really don’t regret waiting for an engagement at all. Just my opinion but I wouldn’t live with my boyfriend at 21 having only dated for 1 year and still in school. Regardless of marriage, that seems a little rushed! To each their own tho! This is a very split topic for people.
Post # 5
I would date but not move in until engaged. So spend lot time together and when he knows your the one he can propose. Then move in and you can be engaged for awhile before its final to make real sure.
Post # 6
Neither of you is wrong, it just means that maybe you don’t want the same things.
I’m with your boyfriend in that I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. That doesn’t mean how you want to do things isn’t a good way, it’s just not the way *I* would do it. At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right. If you know that you that you absolutely don’t want to live together until marriage, but he won’t get married without living together, you might just have to say that this realtionship isn’t right for you and move on.
Post # 7
I was in a similar situation as you. I met my Fiance when I was 22 and he was 26. I never really wanted to live with someone before marriage (not for religious reasons, I just wanted to be excited after getting married instead of going about the same day to day). But my Fiance wanted to live together.
We talked about it and we were both willing to compromise if it meant staying together. But the funny thing about life is you never know what to expect! He got a job across the country that we would be dumb to not move for. So (this was after he proposed) I moved in with him because I’m not about to pay $1300 in rent by myself haha.
Basically, my point is that you can have ideals for the future but just enjoy your time now! You’re super young and you never know what will happen. However, I never think it’s good to give up 100% on your belief system for someone. And personally, I would never live with someone before they proposed. But that’s just me.
Post # 8
Neither of you is wrong about your views on living together, but you’ll have to compromise on those views at some point. I agree it sounds like he’s not fond of compromise based on some of the other things he’s said. If you can’t compromise on that, how can your relationship survive long term?
Just because you like him now doesn’t necessarily mean that you two will be compatible in the long run. Focus on your school, and know when to cut your losses while you’re still ahead.
Post # 9
I think this subject has to assessed on a couple to couple basis. My Fiance and I moved in together after only 11 months of dating, I was 19 and he was 20. We were only dating at the time. It was a HUGE commitment and we both had to adjust to living with each other. Here we are three years later and engaged and I wouldn’t change a thing. It allowed us to become adults together and it was soooo nice to have the freedom of living on your own while also having someone there to support you and grow with you.
IMO I would never want to marry someone without knowing that I could peacefully live with them.
Post # 10
Stick to your guns.
Google the New York Times article on the downside of cohabitation. Tried to include link here but couldn’t.
Post # 11
Don’t move in with him.
I guarantee you this is a mess waiting to happen. Aggravation and frustration await you if you move in with him or wait and hope he sees things from your side. This would throw a wrench into the works that is your schooling, too. Basically, your plans for your life would come to a halt. That sounds dramatic, I’m sure, but that’s what tends to happen in these situations, and your description of your boyfriend gives that impression.
Live separately and keep dating him. Do not move in with him just to keep him. Move in with him if and/or when you truly want to and it is in line with what you want in life.
Don’t do anything you don’t want to do just to keep this man. Don’t compromise your values just to keep this man. Follow your instincts.
Post # 12
Yes, I recommend this article as well.
Post # 13
Stick to your decision. If you have to compromise your morals/beliefs for someone, it’s not a relationship worth staying in. And if you don’t plan to get married for another 5-6 years, that’s 5-6 years of getting to know each other and growing up and maturing for both of you.
I know many, MANY couples who waited to live together until marriage. (Quite a few even saved kissing for marriage!) And you know what? They’re ALL happily married. From my parents (married 30+ years) to many good friends married 1-9 years, to myself, married for 7 months today.
Moving in together before marriage was never an option for us, for religious reasons. I don’t regret it one bit.
Post # 14
I was in a similar position, although for me I was ok moving in together after getting engaged…just not before. My Fiance wanted to live together before we got engaged, but ultimately agreed to bend to my will lol. I think one of us would have given in either way eventually though…I certainly wouldn’t have thrown the relationship away over this.
I think you really just need to think about what’s most important to you. Is this principle of not living together until marriage more important than being with your boyfriend? It might very well be! If it is, then stick to your guns and find a different relationship, because you’re not compatible with your current guy. If you think there’s room for flexibility, on the other hand, then you should explore that. Maybe you could agree to live together after you get engaged, for example. But really dig into the reasons why you hold this principle. Is it something you personally deeply believe, or is it more about being afraid of disappointing your parents? I know for me, it was kind of a mixture of the two. I didn’t have any moral issues with cohabitating before marriage, but a) I knew it would devastate my parents (which was not a good enough reason on its own to choose not to do it) and b) I didn’t want to uproot my life and live with someone who I wasn’t 100% sure was committed to me. Which is why I decided I’d be good living with him after we got engaged.
Anyway just explore your own motivations and make sure you’re making decisions for YOU, not for anyone else like your parents. If you realize that waiting for marriage is really truly vitally important for you, that’s cool, stick to it, even if it means saying goodbye to your guy. If not, then try to find a compromise.
Also….you’re 21. You got plenty of time girl!
Post # 15
My best friend was of the same mindset. Her boyfriend was willing to deal with that, letting go of his own beliefs as far as that went (and sex, for that matter). They celebrated 10 years marriage this past year. Obviously it all depends on personalities, but there are still ways to know if you are compatible – even a week’s vacation will tell you something. And you can always just discuss things – how does he feel about dishwashing, how often does he do laundry, do you need separate spaces, when do you go to bed, when do you wake, etc. It may be harder, but it’s still feasible. And I say this as a person who personally advocates living together for the same reason your boyfriend does.