(Closed) Boyfriend wants to wait till we have money- but what if we never do?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Guys are like this. Idgi

Post # 5
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

They like to have everything in line. I’ve found this with guys I’ve dated and even with Fiance. Like, he waited a few extra days to propose because the sun wasn’t out. I’d say he’s acting normal.

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My fiance did a similar thing, albeit on a shorter timeline.

We went to university together doing the same degree but he failed the final year. We knew that we were going to get married but he didn’t want to propose as a uni student. So we delayed being engaged until he had graduated (which put us back only one year).

I would ask what he defines “sucessful” as. Does he have a particular salary as a goal, or does he need to have a particular position in his company etc. Then decide if this is a realistic goal. If it was realistic, I would be happy to wait. If it wasn’t, have a talk about it with him, and other “what if” possibilities.

I have to say even though I waited only an extra 12 months, I got really impatient near the end! Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You need to put yourself in your guy’s shoes to understand why all guys are like this.  Like it or not, a lot of men still view themselves as the inevitable “breadwinners” and many want to feel capable of providing and supporting you and your eventual family before getting married.  Plus, engagement rings aren’t cheap.  He probably wants to get you something way more expensive that you’re anticipating, so it’ll take time to save money for that, given whatever other expenses he’ll be spending his salary on. 

 

My fiance was the same exact way and gave me the same reason for waiting until we had dated for 7 years before proposing.  Let me tell you, if you love him and truly want to spend the rest of your life with this man, it’ll be worth the wait 😀

 

Post # 9
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

I totally sympathize – my SO is in the same position, savings but no serious income prospects.

Funnily enough I guess I hadn’t really considered it like you did. But now that I think about it, if there’s no real expectation that he’ll get this mythical steady good salary anytime soon, maybe it makes just as much sense to go ahead and get married. If we wait and it never happens, eventually I think we’ll sheepishly get married anyway… in which case I think I might feel gutless having tried to wait for something that was never really a dealbreaker anyway.

However I think we should both avoid anything like “Look dude, who knows if you’re ever going to have this grand income like you think. So let’s not wait around for that.” Even if it’s true, haha. I think a better strategy would be more like “You know we want to marry each other regardless of what happens financially for either of us. So it’s much more badass to get married without some kind of made up financial benchmark. Then we can prove how right we were by getting rich afterward.”

That’s not to say I don’t see a good reason for waiting. I definitely sympathize with your SO because I had no interest in marriage until I got a good job with career prospects. However, before that I never said I wanted to get married – I wasn’t sure I would ever want to. Once I became OK with getting married, I was OK with doing it soonish. I really don’t see a point in the stance “yes I definitely for sure want to marry you but not for a long time.”

Post # 10
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@anon00:  Poor people get married all the time, and a lot of them make it work. And it doesn’t sound like you guys are in the “poor” category.  It’s certainly OK and good to want to get stable in life before plunging into marriage, but it shouldn’t inhibit marrying for too long. Guys definitely have a strong need to provide, but if you get into that three year mark and nothing seems to be developing, I’d start worrying that his reasoning is a crutch. 

A quote I quite like from the make author of He’s Just Not That Into You “There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you’re Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it’s your relationship that’s insecure, not his bank account.”

I highly doubt that applies in your case right now, but keep it in mind if the “enough” level of money keeps rising over time. Also, by the 5 year mark, you’ll be 28. Are you OK with that, since you seem to want to be married young-ish? Your desires in that category are equally as important as his, and don’t forget it.

Post # 11
Member
9490 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You’re both young enough I can understand his reasoning.   5 years may be a little more extreme since you dont have any real forseeable problems  but I think 3years at your age is perfectly reasonable.

Post # 15
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@anon00:  I know, it can be hard to know the balance, of letting him know what you want, but not wanting to scare him by pressuring him too much.

I would just sit down and have that conversation with him, non-naggingly, but just with openness and honesty let him know your concerns and your hopes, desires, etc. Just make sure he’s not using the money thing as a crutch to continually delay, that would be the worst.

Post # 16
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Nothing wrong with his thinking.. at all.  You should actually be happy he’s thinking this way.  You guys are young, and jobs change, you get promoted, you hate where you work so you get a new job….etc.  Guys like to make sure they have their ducks in a row, well some guys do, and he will make more money and so will you, as you progress in your jobs. 

The topic ‘Boyfriend wants to wait till we have money- but what if we never do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors