Boyfriend was engaged to ex but dosent want that with me

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2020

A lot of people don’t want to marry until they actually find the one.  Maybe the situation with his ex scared him. 

Post # 3
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

View original reply
heilla28 :  It sounds like he doesnt want to marry you.

If you want to get married someday I would end this relationship and move on.

Post # 4
794 posts
Busy bee

If you were fine with not getting married, you wouldn’t be feeling like you’re “not good enough” if he doesn’t want to pursue that arrangement with you. 

Plenty of people have serious relationships and never legally marry. Are you truly ok with never marrying him? Time for a gut check. 

Post # 5
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Nope. He just doesn’t wanna marry YOU. My SO bought a ring for his ex but didn’t propose because of doubts. Now we are happily planning. You are worth more than this.

Post # 6
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’d be re-evaluating this relationship. 

Also wondering if perhaps he proposed in his last relationship and made it a big romatic gesture because he felt pressured to do so by his ex? I mean, clearly those two aren’t together anymore, you two are and you said you were fine not marrying.. I’m wondering if his ex really pressured him to get engaged and make it a big deal, he did it and then things obviously didn’t work out because he doesn’t want to be married. 

 Just thinking out loud, but I’m not sure I could stay with someone who thought a previous partner was marriage material but not me? 

Post # 7
12838 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’d be hurt, too. Yes, people change based on experiences, but he obviously never felt this way with her. That’s different than someone who never believed in marriage. 

Post # 8
2863 posts
Sugar bee

You said you were fine never marrying him. I don’t get what changed? Either you’re happy having him without marriage or not.

Maybe he had a major change of heart after his ex. Maybe he was pressured into proposing. Talk to him more about it. 

Post # 9
5900 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Are you not able to put two and two together and see that a failed engagement is probably related to him not wanting to get married anymore?

It sounds like he was always up front with you about not seeing marriage in his future and you were fine with that, what changed?

Post # 10
164 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
heilla28 :  my ex was engaged previously and as I was already lacking with self esteem issues and insecurities, when it got to the time I felt we would getting engaged, and weren’t, I felt like I wasn’t good enough at all and I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t want all of that with me. He used to tell me it wasn’t the break down of the previous engagement that made him not want to propose to me – which made things worse because I’d been  convinced that would have affected him. 

I think you need to decide if you can be with him without getting married or not. He’s told you how he feels about marriage so unless you have another chat about it and your future, you have to consider staying and not having that with him. 

Post # 11
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

View original reply
heilla28 :  That was fine with me BUT. So your not fine with it. If you were this wouldn’t even be a discussion. Who cares how he proposed to her. Like zzar45 maybe that’s the reason he doesn’t want to get married. What ever the reason is he told you he doesn’t so I would sugguest you listen to him and if your FINE with it then forget it but if your not than move on.  

Post # 12
1866 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There’s probably a number of reasons he doesn’t want to get married, none of which may have anything to do with how he feels about you.  However, he’s told you upfront that he’s not going to marry you bee.  You need to decide if being a only a girlfriend is enough.  I agree with the pp who said if you were okay with no marriage before how is his past dealings with his ex relevant??

Post # 13
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to get married. If you do, you need to find someone else. Don’t waste a moment more of your time waiting to be as “good” as his ex. Don’t waste a moment more waiting for him to change. 

So many women hang around trying to understand why, rather than accepting what is. It should be enough that he’s told you he’s not prepared to give you the type of commitment that you want. If marriage is what you want then you absolutely deserve to have that, and there is someone out there who won’t make you feel like you’re not worth it when you are.

Post # 14
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I get it. You accepted his not wanting to get married because you thought his attitude applied equally to everyone. You thought this was a general principle. Now that you learned he proposed to his ex, you wonder if he is willing to marry, just not you. You may be questioning whether he is holding out for someone he likes better. You’re ok with not getting married, but you are not ok with wasting time and energy with someone who already has one foot out the door. That makes complete sense.

The only way to find out is to ask him. Maybe he was pressured into doing a romantic proposal when he never wanted to marry in the first place. Maybe she burned him, so he doesn’t want to marry anymore. Maybe he still has feelings for her. Maybe he’s holding out for someone new. There is no way to know unless you ask him directly, “Do you not want to marry at all, or do you not want to marry me? Why?”

I think the way in which you found out about the engagement says a lot, too. Did he volunteer it? Did you find out from someone else? Was he reluctant to give you details? 

I think your feelings are completely rational. It is possible to be ok with no marriage but still want commitment. You don’t want to be a rebound, even if you’re ok with no ring.

Give us an update after the talk. If you feel that you can’t talk to him about this, or he shuts you down, then move on and find someone better. Potential for marriage or no, every relationship should have open communication.

Post # 15
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You said you were okay about not getting married. 

You and his ex are two separate individuals. 

Do not compare yourself with her or his situation when he was with her.

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