Post # 1
hey guys! I’m looking for some advice on what to do if you know your partner has the ring but won’t propose. My partner and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now and despite that short time, we’ve been through ALOT. we came close to splitting up last september but chose to stay together. I feel we are stronger now than ever. However, despite telling his parents something similar, I’m starting to think he doesn’t feel the same. He has become very distant and remains quiet when he wouldn’t before. He knows my life goals and “timeline” for myself is to be married and start a family by the time I’m 25. He says he wants this too and even promised me last year that we could try for a baby within the next 5 years. Recently though, he’s pretty much said we’ll be married by the agreed upon date and can try for a baby immediately after. I’ll be 23 this year so I feel like things need to start progressing in order for this goal to be met. I’m saving myself for marriage so obviously that needs to happen before anything else. But before that comes the proposal. I know he has the ring because I designed it, helped him figure out how to pay it off, and was with him when he picked it up. He even let me look at it briefly to make sure it was right. I thought with him having the ring in his possession it would help motivate him to propose. but still, nothing. We have discussed marriage at great lengths and even having kids. We both agree it’s what we want and have even decided on some details such as the wedding date, honeymoon, and even have names picked for our future children. We’re even currently working on buying a house together. Still, I see no indication of a proposal in my near future. I have mentioned to him several dates that are important to me or that would be good dates to do so but he just rolls his eyes or sighs or just sits there staring off into space. When I ask him why he hasn’t he says he wants it to be special and he’s afraid I’ll have a problem with how he does it. I’ve even sent him a few hints/ideas and he just replies with the “meh” face and changes the subject. I honestly feel like it’s not going to happen at this point. I know a lot of people will say to just be patient and it’ll happen or that he’s probably trying to surprise me but it’s hard to be patient when you know he has the ring and every opportunity in the world to do it. Also, he’s HORRIBLE at keeping secrets so I’m sure if he were truly planning something I would have some sort of indication that he was. I really do love him but the wait is killing me. What should I do?
Post # 2
You’re 23. You’re so young. Are you sure he is ready to get married (I assume he is the same age). Now he has the ring it might start feeling more real and he just isn’t ready yet.
Why is 25 such a big deal for you? I was 26 when I got engaged, 27 when I got married, 32 when I had my first child.
It could also be that you are micromanaging him and he would like this to be a surprise on his timeline.
Post # 3
Back up! You’re giving me the impression that your a being too controlling with this situation. Is okay to want to be an active participant on your proposal, but in your case, I get the feeling that it is much more than that: you want to plan your proposal -in which case, have you considered proposing to him instead?
You are 23, that is still 2 years away from 25 your “deadline”. If you have both agreed on that, then relax and wait until then without giving him more pressure. You will have time to have kids even after 25, and right now you should be focusing on other things like personal achievements or alike.
Take a break from trying to get him to propose to you and enjoy your relationship and time one-on-one. If you are both on the same page of getting married around you 25th birthday, then trust him a bit more. He hasn’t given you any indication that he is backing from his agreement, so why are you pushing him away? Focus on the present, the future will arrive eventually.
Post # 4
jallyn171 : Just an outsider looking in here but from what I read, it sounds like you have way way too much control on things here.
You picked out the ring, helped him figure out how to pay for it, saw it in advance to make sure it was ‘right’ and now want to decide how he does it? Kind of taking the wind out of his sails if you ask me.
And you’ve picked out future kids names???
He may be thinking ‘can we cross that bridge when we get to it’. What is the rush?
It just sounds like you are planning way way too much ahead of the future. Why not have fun in the moment? Being engaged is supposed to be exciting and fun, too. Not everything can be controlled and perfect.
I think it’s time to let up off the reins a little and allow for some fun and wiggle room!
Post # 5
Twizbe : he’ll be 34 next month. If anything, he’s always complaining that he needs to hurry up and get his life started before it’s too late. So I doubt his age is what is preventing him from doing so. My age is a big deal for me because I have a disease that makes my life a little more difficult. I expect this will only get worse as I get older so I would like to have children while I am still young and able to care for them properly. My disease also puts me at high risk for miscarriage and complications so I would like to start early in case we need medical help getting pregnant. I would rather try while I’m young and have time to try all options if need be then to wait until I’m older and realize my window for having children is getting smaller and feel like time is running out.
Post # 6
I don’t mean to be cruel but you sound ever so slightly insane. When people tell girls on here to set a timeline and stick to it, they’re generally referring to guys who aren’t making any moves towards engagement. Your bc HAS the ring. Now leave him alone and let him plan the proposal. If he wants to surprise you, you’ve basically ensured that he will NOT do any of the “special dates” that he may have actually been planning on. You need to relax and let go.
Post # 7
I’d let him have this and plan the proposal without your input. As long as you have an established timline and marriage is a mutually agreed upon decision, then I would back off a little.
You’re 23. I’m also 23. We are very young… and trying to plan out your future down the day is stressful. I’d try to step back, relax, and know that there is time for kids and marraige and it doens’t all have to follow the exact plan we have in our heads.
Good luck Bee! Hoping the proposal is wonderful 🙂
Post # 8
funnyfox : it was actually his idea for me to pick out the ring because he wanted it to be something I would love. So we did that but the ring was too expensive using diamonds. I researched and we discussed options and we went together to have them swap the diamonds for another stone that would drop the price to a much more affordable one. But while we were there they convinced him to put the ring under some sort of financing thing and afterwards we realized he wouldn’t be able to make that big of a payment so we discussed options on how to pay it off without having to give up the ring entirely. We figured that out and he got the ring. The reason I was mentioning dates to him was because I was telling him there were some dates I would really like for him to avoid if he could because of things that happened with my ex (abusive relationship) and it just wouldn’t be a good day for something like that. I already mentioned in another comment why I want to START trying for kids before I’m 25. I never said I wanted to be completely finished with having them by then. I am not trying to control anything but I can understand why it seems that way.
Post # 9
I think you need to just let it be. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend knows your timeline and he AGREES with it. He has the ring. Let him do his part by planning the proposal. You being pushy about it is only going to push him away.
Post # 10
Never the less, you’ve been together two years and it’s been rocky, not a great relationship to make a marriage from. I get the sense that your relatonship has been more you driving things and him agreeing in the moment and going along with it. If you hadn’t designed the ring and figured out how to pay for it and all that do you think he would have went out and done that on his own?
Honestly, nothing you’ve said makes me think he actually WANTS to marry you. I think he wants those things in an abstract someday kind of way and maybe even with you (but maybe not) but not anytime soon and is likely too scared to tell you.
And for your part, I think it doesn’t matter who actually proposes to you as long as you can check off your boxes. Sounds like your disease (not sure what) is driving your motivations and you may be trying to hurry up as rush the wrong relationship into marriage because you are scared about the future.
Post # 11
Everything in your post is all about you. You sound too self-centered to actually enter a partnership with someone else. You also sound like a really poor communicator. You say what you want, but half of all communication is listening. Not just hearing, but actually listening to your partner (verbal and non-verbal) and you don’t appear to do that.
YOUR timeline. YOU picked the ring and told him what to do. YOU are picking the dates. YOU are asking him if he agrees with YOU.
If you want this so bad, how about YOU propose to him?
He honestly sounds like he’s just agreeing to shut you up because you don’t seem horribly interested in what he actually wants. You put out there what you want and he’s probably too scared to voice anything differently considering how controlling about this you already are.
And you sound like you just need a warm body to plop into your already made plans, you don’t actually care who that warm body is or what they really want.
Go find yourself a warm body who is ready for exactly what you want and let this poor guy off the hook.
Post # 12
jallyn171 : OK – so he is older so I am guessing as he has already agreed to your timeline he knows what he is doing and is getting there. Let him plan his surprise.
I am sorry you have some health issues but try not to worry about it too much. TTC and having children is completely out of your control. I have no obvious health issues but it took me 2.5 years to get pregnant. I have a friend who has endometriosis and PCOS and managed to get pregnant 3rd month of trying. There are no certainties when it comes to babies.
Post # 13
He bought the ring. So chances are there is a proposal coming somewhere down the line. Perhaps he doesn’t like how you are trying to plan everything. He said he was afraid you won’t like the way he does it, because it sounds like you want everything your way. I’d reassure him that how and when he does it is perfect and you’ll back off and let him be the man and do this how he wants. It’s special to him too you know.. not all about you.
Post # 14
It’s time to calm down. Talk about plans on here, build up all the secret pinterest boards you want. Talk to a girlfriend. STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT IT. He knows. He probably feels a little pressured. Just back off, let him know that you want HIM, not just a warm body. You have time. 25 is so young. Even if you need IVF to have a baby, you have plenty of time.
Post # 15
Do not buy a house together!
Why on earth would you buy a house with someone who you are worried won’t ever propose? I assume you wouldn’t live together before marriage anyhow since you’re saving yourself, so what would the point of buying a house together even be before engagement?
In any case, buying property together before marriage – or engagement at the least – is a really bad idea, especially when you sound so unsure of your relationship at this stage. Don’t entangle your finances any more than you have to. And honestly, this guy is mid-30s and had to finance a non-diamond engagement ring — how can he afford a house? Is it mostly your money? If so, it’s worth asking if this is someone who is trustworthy with money and who you want to mix finances with?
As for the rest of your situation, it’s hard to tell without more context whether he is going to propose and you need to calm down and let it happen, or whether your gut is right that it’s not going to happen. What is his character like in general? Can you trust his word? If you find yourself doubting him like this and you’ve already been through some really rough patches as a couple, I can’t say that’s looking good.