Boyfriends brother is going to pop the question… rant/envy

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m surprised how many people think stealing the spotlight is a thing. It just isn’t. DH and I announced our engagement in March and got married in September. 8 weeks to the day after my brother got married. They got engaged in October after 7-8 months or so, DH had known each other 10 years. One marriage doesn’t take away from another! You get a day, that’s it. My cousins got married 6 weeks apart and the one that got married first was engaged second. DH had reservations about stealing the spotlight but I shut that shit down.

Brother-In-Law and Girlfriend have been together 5 years. Own a house together and I know they’re waiting because we got married this year and another family member (cousin) is getting married in 2019. But you can’t wait because of other people, there will always be someone doing something.

Post # 17
1471 posts
Bumble bee

As long as you don’t announce your engagement at their engagement party or wedding, you’re good with the ‘spotlight’ stealing. Waiting years because someone pops the qu3wtion first is not a thing.

Post # 18
4721 posts
Honey bee

Putting your life on hold so others can live theirs is not a thing. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you. He also doesn’t want to be the bad guy and break it off. Don’t waste any more time on this guy.

Post # 19
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Yeah, that’s crazy. My husband and I got engaged 3 months before his brother got married and then got married 3 and a half months after his other brother got married.   There’s no way that either of us would have been willing to wait years and years to start our married lives together.   You’re both either really young, as I’ve found that it’s mostly younger people who think stealing someone’s spotlight is a thing, or he just doesn’t want to marry you.  As others have pointed out, there will always be something going on so have fun waiting 10+ years.  Maybe after everyone is retired and settled down you guys can get engaged.   

Post # 20
5168 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

we know engagement is out of the question until his brother and his girlfriend’s excitement of an engagement and a wedding have come and gone – which could be years. We wouldn’t want to steal their spotlight, etc.“

This is just so far from true. I wouldn’t plan to get engaged like the day before or after them but pretty much anything else is okay. There is absolutely zero need to wait “years” and frankly doing that is just stupid. You don’t let your life goals revolve around other people.

Post # 21
1246 posts
Bumble bee

Uh. This is not a thing. My sister and I got married within a month of each other—- engged six months apart. Nobody ought it was weird. It was fun to plan together. 

Post # 22
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

What?  We don’t want to steal their spotlight but it could take years…. No, that’s not a thing. 

Maybe don’t propose on the same day as he is, but your life shouldn’t be put on hold because they want to get engaged. 

I was in a very similar situation. My boyfriends brother was planning on proposing to his gf of like eight months or something. My boyfriend and I had been together five years and had been planning on getting engaged. I was super annoyed. They got engaged at Thanksgiving and we let them have the holidays and then we got engaged in January and planned our wedding accordingly. And guess what? They broke up! If we had wanted to plan our life around them we would have put a year and a half of our life in hold for NO reason. 

Do what you want and move forward with your plans of engagement. 

Post # 23
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
adelie :  “My bf is very against the idea (I am not) and it’s his personal preference – however, I am sure it’s because he knows his parents would be less than happy about it.”

Actually, I am sure it’s because your boyfriend is dragging his feet and is seizing upon this excuse to put you off for even longer.  

Now, he might be dragging his feet partly because he knows his parents are less than happy about y’all’s relationship. But smell test tells me that the fact that he thinks y’all would have to wait until AFTER THEY GET MARRIED (just what…?) for him to propose, is 100% him dragging his feet and putting off the proposal.

Stealing spotlight is only a thing if you do it on the same day of their wedding.  

Post # 24
14 posts

Don’t plan your life around others’. If his family is against it, they are prioritizing his brother over your SO. If he’s against it, you need to talk to him. If he wants it to happen, it’ll happen. Doesn’t matter what else is going on. 

Post # 25
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

View original reply
adelie :  so you realize this is just an excuse your boyfriend is giving you so he doesn’t have to propose to you right? It’s been 7 years. He hasn’t proposed yet. Now all of a sudden his brother is proposing and he can’t propose to you for years? Are you seriously this naive? He doesn’t want to marry you. He can give you every single excuse in the book but the fact remains the same. And even if that was a concern of his, would you really want a man that afraid of upsetting his family that YOU would have to wait YEARS for YOUR OWN WEDDING?

Post # 26
1482 posts
Bumble bee

This is another convenient excuse for him to not propose to you. See it for what it actually is and don’t rain on his brother’s parade bc your boyfriend is stalling.

Post # 27
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry, OP, but I agree with those that think your boyfriend is stalling. I could MAYBE see him saying, hey, my brother is going to propose soon, let’s give him few weeks to have his “spotlight”- but he wants to wait an indefinite period until AFTER the wedding? Ridiculous.


ETA: I hate to say this, but if he was really that eager to get engaged, and the reason for waiting 7 years was due to life events beyond his control, wouldn’t he have mentioned to his brother sometime within the last few months- hey, I plan to propose to Girlfriend this year, now that I have finally graduated/completed whatever other arbitrary milestone has prevented him from proposing? I mean, his brother told him about his engagement. I am really sorry, but I see no evidence your boyfriend has any interest in marrying you. I think it’s time for a hard conversation with him.

Post # 28
3383 posts
Sugar bee

He’s stalling, sorry. 

Post # 29
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I gotta go with the other PP’s – this is about more than “spotlight stealing.”  To wait until they become engaged and then married is ridiculous.  It’s time to have a real conversation about why you are not engaged. 

Post # 30
5978 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

My advice: live YOUR life. Do not base your engagement on someone else’s engagement. It sounds a bit like he’s stalling. Even if he’s not, the fact that he is SO worried about how his parents would feel that he’s willing to push this off for years would be another major concern for me. 

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