Boyfriends brother is going to pop the question… rant/envy

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I understand waiting until the time is right to get married, even if other people don’t understand your logic. I’ve been there! But waiting for your Future Brother-In-Law to get engaged AND to get married? That’s extreme.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

When you talk to him about your frustrations, how do those convos go?

Post # 32
9744 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Frankly it sounds like your boyfriend is using this as a stalling tactic. Are you sure he really wants to marry you?

Post # 33
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My fiance and I got engaged 1 month before his cousin’s wedding and also won on The Price is Right 1 month before another cousin’s wedding. I guess we’re terrible people lol

Post # 34
267 posts
Helper bee

I agree he’s stalling. And then your brother-in-law and his wife will get pregnant! You can’t get fern engaged then and steal the baby excitement! Please.

Like everyone else has asked, how old aren’t you? If you started dating when you were sixteen, seven years is understandable. In your twenties or thirties? Nope. You need to sit down and have a mature conversation with your boyfriend about your future.

Post # 35
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh hun. So if they have a two year engagement, you can’t get engaged for that whole time? You realise how ridiculous that is, right? My brother, cousin and I all got married within 18 months of each other – in the case of my cousin (who I’m very close to), he and his now-wife got married a few months after us. It was actually really lovely being able to chat weddings – at no point would I ever have felt they were “stealing our thunder” – you don’t own weddings once you get engaged!!

I hate to say it but I think PPs are right and this is a (pretty extreme) stalking tactic. I’m really sorry x

Post # 36
1414 posts
Bumble bee

What happens when the babys start coming after their married? Cant steal that spotlight either… seriously OP waiting until after they are married is ridiculous. 

Post # 37
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is an excuse, he’s stalling. If he really wanted to marry you, he would propose on his own timeline regardless of who is getting married. 

Post # 39
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

What everyone else said. If your SO really wants to give his family time to be excited for his brother he can wait a few months to propose. It’s absurd to think that you two should wait YEARS until after they’re married to get engaged. What if there were 4 siblings all around the same age group. If they all wanted to get married one of them would have to wait 6+ years in order to let the other 3 get engaged and married first??!! No way!!!! No one does this. 

Life is short. Get engaged and married when you want to. There will always be something else going on. Wether that’s someone else getting married, brother in law having a baby etc. You just can’t live putting your life on hold while everyone else lives there’s. 

Post # 40
451 posts
Helper bee

Sorry it really seems like he’s making any kind of excuse to not get engaged. They are getting engaged soon? Cool, has nothing to do with you two. After they get married, it’ll probably be another excuse. “They are newly weds for a year after they get married, we can’t take the spotlight during this time either” “she’s pregnant now, we can’t possibly get engaged until the baby is at least a year old”. 

Post # 41
15 posts

My ex-boyfriend’s mother told my ex and I that if we got engaged, she would scream and howl, would ruin our wedding (wear white, howl through the ceremony, throw a temper tantrum, etc…. nevermind that I wanted to elope so she wouldn’t be there anyways), and we would NEVER have what my dear ex-boyfriend’s brother and girlfriend had: 10 years of dating and no ring, so she told me “You don’t deserve a ring because you’d be stealing the spotlight from them. When they get engaged and married, you can get engaged and married.”

Well, let me tell you; my exboyfriend’s brother has no intention of ever marrying. He’s made this clear. His girlfriend will always be his girlfriend. She refuses to be common law, so she will always be “the girlfriend”. My ex used every stalling tactic under the sun, but this was the most rediculous. I broke it off for many reasons, but mostly because he was unwilling to commit and he lied about wanting tl commit.

For you, if you and your boyfriend are ready, do it. As you said, you are independent: ACT LIKE IT! What you and your boyfriend have is special. It can’t be overshadowed by other people, much less a brother’s engagement to a girlfriend who’s been dating only a few months. If you wait, you will always look back and regret not being engaged before them (if things work out between the two). If you were planning on it anyway, do it!

Now, if you’re ONLY getting engaged because you want to be engaged before the brother, that’s not a great reason. Why are you all of a sudden ready? Would you have been ready if the brother had not told you of his intentions? Are you getting married because you love each other and want to make a lifetime commitment, or has your time come and gone, and you’re getting engaged because “it’s time” or “we’ve dated long enough”?


Post # 42
1400 posts
Bumble bee

Stealing spotlight isn’t a thing.

My cousin who lived out of the country had her engagement party 2 days before her brother’s wedding because it was the only time we were all on the same continent to celebrate.

My close friend got engaged a few months after me, we had a joint engagement party, she got married about 9 months before me. During the joint engagement party we decided to surpise our other friends by celebrating them as well. They had been engaged for years (long distance for 2 different grad schools) and never got their own party. Our other friend got engaged sometime between the joint engagement party and the first wedding.

No one was upset about sharing the excitement and spotlight. We were just happy there were so many things to celebrate! We were honest with one another about what we could afford travel-wise (we were pretty spread out) but we worked together to make sure everyone got a wonderful celebration.

To be perfectly honest it seems like your boyfriend is not confident in your relationship or ready to move forward. I think you should have a conversation with him about where he sees your relationship (regardless of his brother’s impending engagement). It sounds like he isn’t planning to commit. You should have a serious conversation so you can decide if you are willing to stick around while he decides to commit or not.

Post # 43
7933 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Well, first of all your boyfriend has had SEVEN YEARS in which to propose. He hasn’t. And now he wants to put it off until after his brother is married? As others have mentioned, what if they get pregnant soon after? Then will you have to wait until after the baby is born? Since when does having siblings preclude someone from having and living their own life? He doesn’t WANT to marry you, otherwise he either would have or wouldn’t be making excuses.

Post # 44
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sorry girl, you are getting the ol run around, it doesnt take much but walmat rings and a appt at the court to get hitched for less than 150. anything and everything else is an excuse. 

Post # 45
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your boyfriend is being ridiculous. He either has a very warped and unhealthy view of how he should live his life in relation to others or he is taking advantage of an excuse to postpone engagement and marriage even more than he has already. Either way it’s not a good situation for you, Bee. Time to have some tough conversations. 

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