Boyfriend's career effecting readiness for marriage

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

jennifer1989 :   While I admire him for wanting to be in a stronger financial position, your reasons are equally valid.  His earning potential will (presumably) improve over time, while your ability to have children may lessen over time.

Has he offered a firm timeline?  

Post # 4
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

jennifer1989 :  In the next few years sounds rather vague, I’m sorry he won’t be more specific.  Even an engagement later this year, followed by a year or 18 months of planning would put your mind at ease.   Would he agree to that, do you think?  His reaction to that suggestion might be very telling.  

Post # 5
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I feel like this is an excuse… That is just my first thought. You can be engaged without a ring, married without a ring or wedding, if that is really what you desire to do. You also state that you are not having financial issues and already have a nice amount of funds saved for a house. This is why I wonder if he is simply not ready and is trying to have an excuse that sounds valid. If you make it clear that you are not looking for an expensive ring, wedding, etc and he is still hesitant then it has nothing to do with money. For example, Darling Husband said he was not going to propose until he paid off his car. I believed him; I was never waiting for a proposal and I figured we were going to get engaged eventually. He proposed not too long after that. He was really trying to throw me off and make me think it was going to be a while. He really wanted to do it regardless of money.

Post # 7
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

This is an excuse. You have enough money saved up to buy a house with a very low mortgage? You have a good combined income? You’re on edge because his reason doesn’t make sense. I’d be concerned about his lack of care about what YOU want. This is your future too, you should have a say. 

He’s claiming he wants to marry you, so it’s not nagging to want to know WHEN. Y’all need to have a conversation. 

My SO also balked a little when I first pressed for a “when.” When we talked it out, I realized that he seemed to see getting engaged as that he’d suddenly be married with multiple kids to support… like IMMEDIATELY.  When we talked out timelines, his money anxiety went away. We are going to have a 1.5 year engagement and then probably wait a year to even start TTC.

At that point (we decided to get engaged about 10 months into the future), we were looking at over 3 years before even trying to have a kid, probably 4 years before having one. And he was able to realize there’s a lot he could do with his career in that 4 years, espcially with a partner there to support and help motivate him.

And even though our engagement timeline was almost a year away from when we talked, it took away ALL of my anxiety about where my future was going. I wasn’t in a HURRY, I just wanted to know what my future was going to look like.

Before talking to him, I had already decided that any guy who didn’t think I should have a say in my own future wasn’t the guy for me. 

Post # 8
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I was (technically still am) in a similar situation, I never discussed with my bf that I expected to be engaged/married by a certain date, but I did make it clear that I wanted to try for 2 kids by age 32. He was always 100% on board with this, and while I was in my earlier 20s I thought we were totally fine. Then 25 came around, no engagement. Then 26, nothing. Now I’m 27 and still nothing… until a few months ago I broke the radio silence on the subject and restated my plans for when I’d want start trying for kids. Again he was totally in agreement. So I was like, so you wouldn’t want to be married before having kids? To which he replied well of course we’d get married before. I asked when he thought we would get engaged and he said within the next couple years (not what I wanted to hear!!). So I ended up breaking it down for him, trying to get him to understand the way he had thing planned out, we would have about 3 years to get engaged, plan a wedding (and he’s always made it clear he wants a BIG wedding), and fit in two 9 month pregnancies 😂 

 

Long story short, he never really considered how much time was involved in going from step a to b to c. Maybe if you laid things out in this sort of fashion he would understand your sense of urgency and prioritize a little better. 

 

That said im still waiting myself, but I am at least hopeful it will be soon whereas before I was convinced it would be never. 

Post # 10
Member
288 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, I’m just like your boyfriend lol! I’m 28, turning 29 this year and just got engaged on Christmas, but I was very adamant about having a good paying stable job before even thinking about marriage. As for kids, I already told my Fiance that we absolutely cannot have kids until we own a home or find a bigger place to rent. That’s just my criteria and it’s not something I’ll budge on mainly because I need the stability first and I do want to give our kids the best life possible. If that means having kids as late as 35 for me, then so be it.

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Seems silly to me. It doesn’t cost you much to get married (trust me I know, hubby and I had a courthouse ceremony just us). Our marriage license cost us $130 Canadian, but the rest cost us $400 (officiant, photographer to capture the moment, and dinner afterwards). My point is, if money is an issue, there are ways of getting married whilst not spending a lot for a wedding. You could do a simple couthouse thing now then have a really bomb backyard cook-out to celebrate. Also, you could be married and then wait until you are financially stable to have kids, as most couples typically wait a little after marriage to start a family. My advice to you would be to talk to him and really find out if he wants/is ready for marriage with you. 

Post # 12
Member
18 posts
Newbee

jennifer1989 :  Exactly! They seem to forget about that whole 9 month waiting period, not to mention all the potential months of just trying to conceive 🙄

Seems he has a lot of strong opinions on what his needs are, I think he’s got to get a better understanding of what your needs are. Let him now how much his vague timeline is stressing you out. Tell him you don’t expect a proposal tomorrow, or maybe even this year, but you need reassurance that you will be engaged within the next X years so you have time to plan a wedding and get married before you are 32. 

I hate ultimatums but you could also throw out there that you don’t feel comfortable signing a mortgage with him until he gives you a specific timeline so you know you are both on the same page. 

Post # 13
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

I may be wrong or unpopular but I’m going to put a good word for your boyfriend, because I’ve been in a similar situation and I’ve learnt my lesson. Sometimes we don’t trust our men enough. We expect them to be ready at the exact same time when we start thinking about the next step. If they aren’t, then it’s a good reason to jump to (very miserable) conclusions. It suddenly becomes very clear to us that they are just beating around the bush, are commitment phobic, take us for granted, or don’t love us enough. Our ticking biological clock can make us excessively anxious to set timelines and have certainties.

While it is absolutely true that the money issue is probably only the tip of the iceberg, I don’t see what you could possibly do. He’s not ready now – he’s sugarcoating it for you but you know this is the truth. Does this necessarily mean he’s never going to be? Only you know your man. Does he deserve the benefit of the doubt? If you think so, I believe you should wait it out. Nagging and pushing now would only lead to a very unhappy outcome. 

So my advice is: trust your guts. If you have a good, healthy relationship with a man you love and who loves you, you’ll have to accept that some things may just take time. Happy relationships naturally grow into commitments on their own – but both partners need to be on board. Focus on you two as a couple, make him feel you work wonderfully together.

Needless to say, if you’re in an abusive/unhappy/rocky relationship and all the above is not true for you, then I think it’s ok to reconsider your options.  

 

Post # 14
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

jennifer1989 :  I agree with some of the others that this is an excuse. If he genuinely feels he needs to be more stable in his career, what is his plan to get himself there? Does he plan to get a promotion, study, move jobs? I would also check in with what happens if things don’t go to plan, if he gets passed over for promotion or his industry dries up? Where will that leave your timeline and your future?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors