Boyfriend's female friend trying way to hard to be friends with me. Need advice.

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have lots of male friends. One of my really good friends has just started seeing a girl he’s so head over heels for. I’m making every effort to be friendly to her. Partly to show that I’m no threat and support their relationship and partly because I suspect this woman will be my friends wife one day. That means our friendship will change go being more couple hang outs. 

This woman has done nothing wrong. She’s including you on all plans. 

You however, are not coming across well. You go out with them and instead of trying to engage you sit on your phone. You’re refusing her offer of hospitality and you’re sour shaming her for being open about her life. 

Shes not after your man. If she was she wouldn’t be making any effort with you.

View original reply
sweetkat92 :  

Post # 3
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, it’s not enough information to determine if she is trying to get with your man. My instincts say no. Chumming it up with you may make it more difficult to weasel in. I’m not saying it’s never been done before. I’m sure it is useful tactic. I just can’t say it’s what she is doing. You can’t say either because you haven’t given her a chance. See what’s up with her. You may start to understand why your boo likes her so much as a friend. 

My husband had a female friend. The heifer didn’t try to get to know me at all. I’m sure she liked him. I wanted her to make the effort with me (as I did with her) so that I could see she didn’t have impure intentions. They are not friends anymore because they were never friends. He was her “in case of emergency break glass” dick. Like, she knew my husband was a good dude, so she wanted to keep him near when she was ready to leap. It became clear after we got engaged, and she disappeared. 

I say all of that to say that at least this chic isn’t being super sneaky like my husband’s ex “friend”. Give it some more time before you call it. 

Post # 4
Member
13238 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I don’t think you are obliged to be friends with or be OK with your boyfriend being friends with someone who had or has feelings for him. 

As far as “no longer” having a crush, really, what else is she going to say?  

Post # 7
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

I would say she may have the opposite motive. Maybe she wants to be friends with you so you don’t think they’re sneaking around behind your back. 

And please stop with the slut-shaming. If she posts risque photos of herself and your Boyfriend or Best Friend gets turned on that’s a reflection of him, not her. 

Post # 8
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

It sounds like she’s making an effort to be friends with you both, I’m not seeing anything wrong with what she’s doing. If she wasn’t including you that would be more cause for concern.

My husband’s best friend is a woman, and she went out of her way to include me and invite us both over from the beginning of our relationship. Initially there were lots of conversations I couldn’t make a huge contribution to – they’ve been friends for 25 years, they have loads of in jokes and other friends I don’t know – but as I got to know her more, it got much more even. Now she’s one of my best friends too, and it’s great! 

I work in an all male environment too, so my husband was in the same boat with my work friends, but he chats more now that he knows them better. 

I think you should maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and at least make an effort to be friends. If your boyfriend likes spending time with her, then she must have some positive qualities!

Post # 9
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

This sounds like it is completely a you problem.  Your boyfriend’s friend organizing brunch with you both twice and wanting to hang out and have dinner together doesn’t sound like she is trying to make a move on him! 

The brunch conversation sounds like it was equally your fault, if you’re sitting there in instagram while at a restaurant you just come across as super rude so why would someone go out of their way to constantly talk directly to you?  It sounds like you were just waiting for direct questions rather than being an active participant in the conversation. 

Post # 10
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

How close are they? Personally I’m glad that my boyfriend doesn’t have any female best friends. He has his sister, is close with his mom, and girl cousins. But we are both the type of people who feel that your partner is your best friend. Neither of us would be ok if we were confiding in someone of the opposite sex instead of each other. 

What I usually see happen in these situations is these “friendships” usually naturally fade away on their own. Because when a person finds the person they want to marry, those random friendships die off especially if they weren’t that close anyways. I think I’m your case this girl will most likely fade off anyways especially as it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t even really reply to her texts often. When you do see her try to do so in groups so you don’t have to deal just with her. She asks to go to dinner? Invite other people in his friends group or yours so it’s a group event. But if I were you I’d avoid outright hating on her to your boyfriend. Be fake nice but keep her at a distance. If you get to the point where you and your boyfriend are getting married then It would be a bigger deal, but you don’t wanna be the girl who makes him cut off his friends when your not 100% sticking around forever anyways. Be nice, try to see her in groups and I’m sure she will fade out eventually. 

Post # 11
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

This woman is being entirely appropriate and you appear to be being a jerk to her (and inappropriately judgmental of other women’s’ choices). You are somebody important to somebody who is important to her and so she is trying to be friends. That is a good and generous behavior——not some kind of secret underhanded attempt to steal your partner (though of course human beings can’t be stolen). 

My partners best friend is a woman. She’s fantastic. I’m so grateful she made an effort to be my friend too. And I’m grateful as well that my partner has made an effort to become friends with my male friends. It makes our live richer.

Thinking you should lose old friends because of your relationship seems like an unhealthy dynamic. It sets one up for an isolated unhappy marriage.

Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ladyjane123 :  I’m with you on this.

 

OP, I am probably not the best person to answer this questions, as I am firmly camp “heterosexual parters should not have close, single friends of the opposite sex”. I, too, believe your partner should be your best friend. And I also believe that these flirty friendships fade away once a relationship becomes more serious.

I also have a problem with women posting risque photos on social media. I am an active social media user, and also a professional. I post photos of myself nearly everyday on social media, as I am losing weight and documenting that, but they are always clothed and appropriate because I think risque photos should be private. I am on that Second Wave Feminism ish that believes you shouldn’t exploit your body publicly for the male gaze. I would heavily side-eye a woman posting provacative photos for attention. And if that’s slut-shaming, well, *shrugs*.

TBH, I think your BF’s female friend is weird as hell. I think she has a crush on your Boyfriend or Best Friend. I’ve been through this rodeo myself, where I’ve third-wheeled it when my Fiance and I first dated and he wanted me to meet his female friend. Shock and surprise, she faded away once he realized that she wanted him to be her back up boyfriend.

Your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t concerning to me. He does not seem to be entertaining her advances. I would let him know that she isn’t your cup of tea as a person and he is welcome to go to dinner with her if he wants (I would nix the homecooked dinner at her house if he was going solo, someone else cooking for your SO who probably has a crush on him is way too intimate for me). And let it naturally die.

tl;dr, you are not obligated to be friends with your boyfriend’s female friend, I do think she has a crush on him, you are not a bitch for noticing and wanting to not engage with it.

Post # 13
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

You don’t have to hang out with her if you don’t like her.  Who knows if she still has a crush on him.  There’s a good chance she does.  I find people with flirtatious personalities annoying and it would be hard to sit there and listen to someone being flirty with my boyfriend even if he wasn’t responding that way himself.

Post # 14
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

You don’t want to be friends with her. It sounds like your SO doesn’t either, so there isn’t a problem – just stop spending time with her, and spend time instead with people you actually want in your lives.

Post # 15
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

It seems like single women can’t ever win. If she doesn’t try to make friends with you then she is hiding something, if she tries to make friends with you then she has motives. I had male friends when I was single. I would have been devastated to learn that me inviting them and their partners into my home was seen as odd. 

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