Post # 1
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
Hi Bees,
I have been in a relationship with a very loving and an amazing person for the last 2 years. I am 29, and he is almost 31. We wanted to get married this year. All was going well, I met his parents, they liked me, they even spoke to my parents, and we were set to take things ahead.
4 months ago, I had a conversation with his sister to discuss what would his family expect from me (talking to her was my Boyfriend’s idea because he thought she would be able to give some advice). I said something from a banter point of view (we have done that earlier when we have chatted with each other), but this time, things got misunderstood. That led to his family thinking that I am not good for him. Boyfriend was gradually able to turn his dad and sister around, but the mother is a tough nut to crack. She thinks that I will manipulate him to separate from the family, which is ironic because her reaction towards the issue has led to her son not talking to her any more. I understand that she is a concerned mother, but she should respect the choice that her son has made and be supportive. She has outrightly said that if we get married, she will not attend it, which means none of his family memebers will be able to attend the wedding. His parents are visiting his sister in July (she lives in the U.S., we are in India). She will try to reason with the mother when she is there. If she agrees, well and good. If not, my boyfriend is saying that we would go ahead with the plan any way. I don’t want his parents to not attend the wedding. They are family!!All this resistance is unecessary and it would result in regret. I have been having panic attacks and they are no trip to Disneyland. Can any one throw some perspective in my direction?
P.S. She had the same reaction when the BF’s sister wanted to get amrried to her boyfriend. Convincing took 2 years and a lot of stress.
Post # 2
Member
4597 posts
Honey bee
Nishtha : it took my mum 3 years to like my sil. They got married 18 months – 2 years in. You can’t make everyone happy. His mum is his mum, she loves him and she’ll get over it.
Post # 3
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
What exactly did you say “from a banter point of view”? It sounds like it really offended them, especially if the whole family now has to be talked around to liking you. It’s hard to know what to advise without knowing the specifics.
That said, if you’re both sure of the relationship then you should move forward regardless. But definitely know that they’re sensitive to your “bantering” in the future.
Post # 4
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
“I have been having panic attacks and they are no trip to Disneyland.” I feel you, Bee.
If your future mother-in-law has a pattern of being like this, I wouldn’t waste time trying to convince her. She’ll have to come around on her own. I would continue to plan the wedding and hope that your fiance’s sister can talk some sense into her. If she can’t, you cannot live your life on someone else’s terms.
If you absolutely can’t deal with the idea of getting married without your fiance’s parents present, then push the wedding back 6 months or a year. But set a new date, and stick to that one. That way, you know you’ve done your part, held out the olive branch, and any choice to continue hostilities toward you is entirely on her.
Post # 5
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
What did you say? It really depends on what you said.
Post # 6
Member
13725 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Without knowing what you said and how you handled the fall out, it’s hard to say. Did you ever apologize?
Post # 7
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
Without knowing what you said, it sounds like you really offended her. Try to apologize and talk to her maybe something got lost in translation
Post # 8
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
Iam really curious as to what would caused her to take such offense??
Post # 9
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
Also wondering what you said just out of curiousity. But I’d plan the wedding anyway. If she wants to be that petty, it’s her loss.
Post # 10
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
Super curious to know what you said Bee…. I guess it’s hard for us to help if we don’t know how to approach it
Post # 11
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
I wish I knew what exactly ticked her off. I jokingly complained about my boyfriend to the sister. I told her that he couldn’t give me any insights on how the atmosphere at his home is, in general, and some random things about him not wanting to travel- I think that may have seemed like I was being serious. I even mentioned to her that my boyfriend asked me whether I would like to stay with his parents after we get married ( he currently lives with his parents). I never had a negative approach towards living with them, although now it is impossible. His sister has understood that it was a misunderstanding and that I was being jittery and honest. But the mother refuses to reason. I did not get a chance to explain because she has blocked me everywhere- Phone, WhatsApp, etc: I apologized to his sister and we talk sometimes.
Post # 12
Member
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
sounds like a her probem if she did this to the sil as wll
Post # 13
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
Sounds like his sister is a trouble maker. How could anything have been misunderstood between you and his mother when the conversation didn’t even occur between you two? You should be careful what you share with her in the future because it seems like she’s looking for drama.
Post # 14
Member
13725 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I don’t know, asking the sister about the “atmosphere” in her parents’ home comes across to me as prying, impolite, and as if you had some reason to be suspicious.
I don’t blame them for being a bit turned off by that part but the reaction does seems to the extreme, especially all the blocking. I may be off base, but my guess is there are also other, unrelated reasons.
Post # 15
Member
13725 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Actually, OP told the sister that she couldn’t get her boyfriend to discuss the atmosphere in the house which is just as bad. Nobody likes to be the subject of gossip or talked about behind their backs.
OP if they refuse to see or speak to you, have you considered writing them a letter?