(Closed) BPD, fiance seeing red flags

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t have much advice, but I have a family member with BPD who isn’t a fraction as self-aware as you are. You said you’re in therapy (which is awesome), so is there any way to bring him into some of the sessions to discuss this? When my relative was first diagnosed and in therapy, it was really helpful for immediate family members to participate in some sessions to work on their relationships and find the best ways to handle the rough spots and avoid triggers for certain behaviors. 

Post # 4
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I too think that it is wonderful that you are so aware of everything. My only advice would be to bring it up in one of your therapy sessions. Maybe your therapist would have some solutions for you. And like the other pp said..maybe see about bringing your SO with you to one of the sessions..that might help bring some insight to him too. Good luck

Post # 5
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t have BPD or know anyone with BPD, but I have major anxiety/borderline OCD issues and I can definitely relate to getting worked up/stressed out over things that a “normal” person would think absolutely nothing of.

I think MrsToB had a great idea when she mentioned bringing him along to your therapy sessions. Not only will it give him a better perspective at what you are dealing with, but your therapist can probably also help him out with some ideas on how to cope with your disorder.

The main thing is that you should never, ever, feel stupid or embarrassed. It is not your fault, and you obviously try really hard to work past your symptoms. It is not something that is wrong with you, it is just a part of you. And if your Fiance is going to marry you, it is something that he is going to have to accept and get used to. The fact that he has stuck around when he’s been having issues with it for so long, I think, is a sign that he isn’t going to give up on you because of it. The fact that it’s a little more out in the open now is a good thing, and I think with time you two will be able to get past it and figure out a routine that works for you both.

With the wedding planning, my own issues have multiplied with the stress. Fiance has seen a side of me that he has only had glimpses at before..lol. So it’s important to try not to stress too much. Making lists and trying to focus on ONE thing at a time really helps my brain cope with all of it. Since your Fiance mentioned that your schedules are bothering him, maybe you could designate one night a week or even every couple weeks as a date night? Or a whole date day?

I hope things get better soon, good luck to you!!

Post # 6
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m a psych nurse, so I’m reading your post from a pretty different perspective.  While yes, you do seem pretty self aware, there is one phrase that you threw out there that caught my attention:

“I project a lot of my insecurities onto him”

What do you mean by projecting your insecurities? When you feel ugly/stupid/worthless, do you assume he thinks you’re ugly/stupid/worthless and require constant reassurance? Do you assume at all times that you aren’t good enough for him?  When he makes a mistake, do you feel betrayed?

I’m not saying any of those things are necessarily true.  But in my experience, borderlines tend to not recognize that other people might feel and think things differently than you do.  I definitely 2nd the idea of taking him to therapy, because as someone with a borderline personality, you are always going to have to work harder to communicate with your SO and he needs to know how to do that too.

Post # 7
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I myself do not have BPD, but I dated someone who was.  It was, honestly, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.  He, however, was not self-aware at ALL and was extremely destructive, to himself and me.  

Anyway, I’m VERY glad to see that you’re in therapy.  As far as your marriage, I would advise you to go to counseling together.  I would continue your sessions alone, as well.  In couples counseling, you can deal with communication and dealing with the “red flags” that he is seeing and hasn’t been talking about.  That way, if he is concerned about upsetting you or fighting about it, you will at least  be in a “safe” environment with someone to guide you two through the process.

I wish you guys all the best of luck! Just keep communication open!!!

Post # 9
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wish you all the best. Truly.

Post # 12
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sorry to hear, I hope you’re alright.

ETA: Seriously, better now than later. BPD would make you literally insane during a divorce. I was misdiagnosed for 3 years with it, until they finally diagnosed me with severe GAD. For me, it was a matter of medication that COMPLETELY changed my behaviour and abolished tthe BPD symptoms.

Post # 13
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Mountain Meadow/Mansion

**Huge hugs***. I don’t want to offer any advice, but I do want to say that I am sorry and am sending warm thoughts your way.

Post # 14
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@boomer77:  I’m so sorry to hear that your finace ended things. I hope you are able to find a therapist that specializes is BPD. See if you can find someone who does dialectical behavior therapy – it’s been shown to be very helpful in managing BPD symptoms. Best of luck.

Post # 15
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Boomer, I’m really sorry to hear this. *hugs*

Post # 16
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

(((Boomer)))- My heart goes out to you.  How are you doing?  Do you have close friends or family available to talk with you and support you during this time?

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