(Closed) Brand new, but a serious family issue! Am I crazy?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

That sucks!  I would be upset, but I would hold firm that I could not go — because I would not be able to take that much time off.  I am a teacher, and while we do have the summers off, we cannot just take off during the year!  I think you should hold firm to your decision not to go, and maybe take the brother and his fiancee out to a fancy dinner…or invite them over for a fancy dinner.  

 

Really.  Hold firm.  I said it twice, lol.

Post # 4
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

That sucks and even though destination weddings are lovely, I think that is to much money and time to empose on anyone. I would do what is right by you and your wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with PP. Hold firm! I don’t blame them for being upset that you can’t go, but really, as a couple struggling with finances and planning a wedding, they really should know better.

Post # 6
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the bride and groom have to accept that choosing to have a destination wedding means accepting that some guests will not be able to make it. You’re not being unreasonable – its just too much money and if you don’t have the time off, you don’t have the time off. End of story. 

That said, would it be possible for your fiancé to go? It might be less expensive, and maybe he could go for a shorter amount of time. Like, just the day before the wedding til the day after?

Post # 7
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You’re not crazy. 

Destination weddings only work if all the relevant parties can attend, both time and money wise. You and your Fiance are both relevant parties, but it seems as though they just assumed everyone would make it work. It’s especially difficult since you’re getting married so soon afterward.

I would just make it clear that while you would love to be there for them, you cannot if they have a destination wedding, but that they should of course do what they want. 

It will all work out. 

Post # 8
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that people should get the wedding they want but when you choose a destination she have to accept that you’re kind of choosing the locale over the convenience of your guests. My husbands sister had a dw as well and I found it super annoying. I scaled back on our wedding and DIY’d everything so we could try to save up a large downpayment on a house and then ended up spending more attending her wedding than our costs to throw our own. But… Dh couldn’t imagine not attending his sisters wedding and we did end up attending. So… As much as I’d love to say hold your ground I really think you and your fiancé need to discuss how badly he wants to attend. (perhaps with the bug In his ear that he’s essentially making his brothers wife’s wedding dreams come true by compromising yours..) the attitude of SOME dw couples that all the people that it means something to will “make it work” really pisses me off. 

Post # 9
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t discuss the money angle, they might be thinking that since you’re an attorney you are flush with cash. I would instead focus on the fact that you can’t have that time off from work, you’ve already scheduled your vacation time for next year and it is too close to your own date. It’s expecting alot to ask people to take off so much time in one year, with not much notice.

How is your FH’s job situation? could just he go without you?

Post # 10
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I read somewhere that if you’re having a destination wedding, you need to accept that some people closest to you–even family members–just aren’t going to be able to go, and if you want a destination wedding, that’s the price you have to pay. It seems like the people that are upset with you are other family members, not the bride, and honestly, their opinions aren’t important–yes, you want to make them happy if you possibly can, but on this matter, it’s a decision that you need to make yourself. I would stay firm in not being able to go, and talk to the bride yourself about it: tell her about your situation and that it’s nothing against her, no hard feelings about the date, and you would love to go, you just can’t because of the date. Then send a generous wedding present in advance! That way, if people complain about you guys not being there, chances are the bride will stick up for you, and things won’t be as awkward at your own wedding. 

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

i think you have a right to be upset. i dont know if its an “official” rule but i do think its rude when close family memebers “jump ahead” of your wedding date.

i think the best thing you can do is be happy for them and tell them you would love for them to have the day that they want but with your budget/work constraints you wont be able to be there. honesty is defintely the best policy. they had to know they would be excluding some people by having a destination wedding anyways, so while they probably assumed you would be able to go, if they truly want a destination wedding they should be able to understand.

Post # 12
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Having a Destination Wedding myself, I think they aren’t giving enough notice to their guests if they expect their attendence.  I gave almost 2 years notice and a budget of $1500/person simply because I know the people I really wanted there would need that time to save up.

 

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