Post # 31
I personally believe that living together is not a good idea for marriage because of many psychological reasons. One of the main reasons is, when you live together, you are test driving each other and that already creates a foundation that if this test drive doesn’t work, we will walk away.When you marry, there should be no option of walking with the exception of cheating or abuse…so if you’re willung to test drive, then in marriage that test driving mindset is still there.To me, the point of marriage is to combine and should be a permanent state of mind.I think living together devalues that mindset.
Post # 32
Personally, I chose not to live together before marriage, but for me, the reasons were not “conservatism.” I had just seen too many friends live with a man for years with the result that she wanted to marry, he didn’t. I wanted to keep my independence.
But I won’t deny that some people are just more likely to stay married, happy or not. I remember a high school teacher telling us that arranged marriages were far more successful than our Western model based on “romantic love.” What he did not say is that in many countries where marriages are arranged, women are not that free to divorce or it carries shame and stigma. Arranged marriages can mean a young woman being forced to marry an old man.
On the other hand, I met a couple from Greece (now in America) who told me their marriage was arranged and that they were very happy. I guess I can see that to some extent it is easier when expectations are set lower, i.e., simply looking for a decent and reliable life partner, with clearly defined roles. Whereas, starting with very high feelings of romantic love and emotional needs
could more easily lead to a let down.
This is an interesting thread.
Post # 33
“If you are willing to test drive, then in marriage that test-driving mindset is still there”
Never really thought of it that way. Especially since there is so much cultural pressure now that everybody should “test drive” before making the final choice
Post # 34
Their divorce seems to be as a result of a physical altercation between one of their children and Brad Pitt, so I’m not sure if it’s the best example. I do think sometimes there can be underlying issues that take time to come to light, or for certain behaviors to manifest.
Post # 35
We know a couple who was together for 10 years before they got married. Their marriage lasted less than a year and we were left scratching our heads as to what went wrong.
I don’t understand why people would get married if there are red flags/things that need to be worked on or fixed. If you already live together then nothing changes after you get married. We got married after 6.5 years together (living together for about 3.5), and literally nothing changed. We just had new rings on our fingers (and it felt somehow inexplicably awesome too haha).
Post # 36
read yesterday that there is video of the alleged incident. Shows Brad yelling at teenage boy but not hitting him.
Post # 37
I think it’s easy to say that from the outside when you are watching people struggle with red flags, but when you are in a relationship that’s not really working, but you care about your partner, it’s really hard to be objective. You say things like “well relationships are work, we just have to keep working through this” “we’re going through a rough patch, but we really love eachother” and then you continue to make “next steps” like moving in together and tying the knot all the while “working on your relationship”. I suspect a lot of people keep chugging along untill one or both partners wakes up one morning and realizes it’s just not getting better.
Post # 38
When my husband and I moved in together it was with the intention – and mindset – we were doing so as part of our life commitment, whatever form that took. The only thing devaluing our “mindset” are those who assume that we as self-aware adults cannot be truly committed because we lived together first.
Nor does everyone who marries (without living together) feel that commitment. I have seen plenty of “live in” couples FAR more committed to each other than some married couples (who never lived together before marriage); who are married in name only but otherwise are near strangers to each other. There is more to commitment – and marriage – than not cheating or not abusing, and not living together first does not guarantee they will both honour that (or be compatible!).
But I also think that divorce is a far better option than a miserable marriage, and there are things that contribute to a miserable marriage beyond abuse or cheating. My husband and I don’t intend to ever divorce, we are in this for life, but if we had married some of our prior partners (who we did not live with first) we would be grateful it was an option because they were bad matches in the long term no matter how much we “wanted” things to work out. I don’t think there is anything noble or award-worthy about committing to misery for life just because once upon a time you liked each other enough to think getting married was a good idea.
Post # 39
There are a lot of assumptions on this thread about cohabitation before marriage. The most significant factor related to cohabitation and divorce is commitment. Couples who start living together with the intent to commit long term and to marriage do not show a higher likeliness to get divorced.
So many people will look for confirming information to support their beliefs one way or another though. But the fact is, many things lead to divorce and it’s impossible to predict who and why they divorce.
Correlation does not equal causation. So there is no use in trying to figure it out.
Post # 40
- Wedding: December 2019 - City, State
This happened a few times in my family–the long cohabitation followed by the short marriage–and I don’t think it was so much because of a flaw in cohabitation itself, but because when a relationship is already failing, people will often try various things in a last-ditch attempt to save it. Having a baby is one method we’ve all heard of. And in my experience, some people try this with marriage too. And then it doesn’t work and they divorce for all the same reasons they were about to break up anyway.
Post # 41
My partner and I have been living together for 8 years. We started living together because we were making a commitment to each other. At that time not necessarily forever, but for as long as it lasts. That grew into us making a life commitment to each other, without getting married.
We’re now getting married to finalise the legal side of things but it doesn’t change the commitment we’ve already made to each other.