(Closed) Break off the engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1390 posts
Bumble bee

@brubru47: I think you may have answered your own question. No one can tell you what to do or what is right for you. However. Kissing, sex, affection, those are all vital to a marriage and any relationship. If you do not love someone, you do not marry them. Only you can know if you are having some passing frustration or whether this is a more deeply felt issue. If you don’t love him, why would you spend your life with him?

Post # 4
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

A day of feeling unsure/annoyed/unaffectionate/whatever? Yep, totally normal. But months and months and months? Not normal.

I think you already know the answer to a very hard question. You shouldn’t stay with someone just because they’re kind and “you’re lucky to have someone”… it’s not fair to you or them.

Good luck with whatever you decide… I know it’s a hard place to be in.

Post # 5
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think you need to take a vacation by yourself to get things straight in your head and then decide what to do.

Post # 6
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m not going to tell you whether to call it off or not–only YOU can figure that out.

I WILL say, however, reading your post that at the very least you need to do a better job communicating with your fiance. It’s not fair for you to be angry that he’s on Facebook instead of dealing with the bedroom–it’s understandable to be annoyed, but if there’s something you don’t like, you have to speak up. If you expect your fiance to defend you with his family, then you need to tell him that. If you don’t like the setting of your ring, then you need to tell him–gently–that you’d like it reset (resetting can change A LOT about a ring). When you say your fiance “doesn’t get you” given what you’ve said, I think that you might be asking too much. No one is perfect and is going to “get you” perfectly–you have to explain yourself and your expectations.

THe other thing is you need to stop with the superstition and fatalistic thinking. Lots of women get “the wrong ring” and have very happy marriages; plenty get exactly the right ring and are divorced. The ring is really just a trinket. So stop giving these “signs” power that they simply don’t have.

And finally, you seem to be going through a lot of change in general right now–one of you starting B-school, your demanding job, and the death of your friend–these all put stresses on a relationship. I personally would advise you to seek therapy, not necessarily for your relationship, but just to check in and see how you are coping with the tragedy of your friend passing away. In other words, you want to figure out if it’s really the relationship, or is it outside pressure that is affecting your relationship (or a combination of both).

Perhaps, if you’re not ready to break off the engagement, you might consider postponing the wedding so you can take a breath and sort through things?

Post # 7
41 posts
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are the only person that can answer this question, and you prob already know what needs to happen you are just in fear of hurting him. But at the end of the day you are what matters. My opinion would be to be honest with him about your feeling, and possibly seek counseling to see if this can be worked through. Best of luck!

Post # 8
2742 posts
Sugar bee

As someone who used to blow up incessantly at my guy, I can say that he talked and talked and talked, until one day when he made it clear that a future with me was in jeopardy because of my ‘mini-rages’ I sat up and took notice. Now, I don’t even know what used to make me so mad. I hardly get mad anymore… I don’t know what to tell you. 10 times in a year is really really little and you guys live together? That’s something to look into. I wish you luck.

Post # 9
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I feel like you’re using “signs” that are completely unrelated to the issue as an excuse b/c you want something else to tell you the answer. But if you’re unhappy with him, reguardless of what’s going on around you, you shouldn’t marry him.

Post # 10
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with PP, a moment or maybe even a day of doubt once in awhile is normal but not months. If you are having that many doubts you should not marry somebody.

Did you feel like his Mother/caregiver before you were engaged? Perhaps what he expects in a wife/fiance is that they do all of the things around the house that involve cooking or cleaning. If that’s the case talking to him may help.

Being physically unattracted to him is a completley seperate issue. While I think it’s somewhat normal that in a longer relationship you don’t feel the need to make out or have s*x all the time but you should still be attracted to your partner.

Post # 11
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Some of the signs are irrelevant to your relationship with him.  I think you know what you want.

Post # 14
289 posts
Helper bee

I have to be honest and admit that I believe that affection and attraction can subside or even vanish over time. However, if you truly share a deep bond with another person, and genuinely want to share the rest of your life with him/her, then I do not think this specific progression of feelings is either normal or healthy. My mother and father have been together for nearly 30 years – pounds have been gained and shed, hearts have stopped, boobs have sagged, and hair has gone grey, and my mom still gazes at my father and calls him handsome after he lovingly squeezes her butt (ack!).

No one can tell you how many kisses are required for a relationship to be healthy, or how many wild nights in the sack are needed to promise a happy future, but I’ve got to say that less than 10 times in a year is a bit concerning. Sex is only a slice of the relationship pie, but it can be so telling.

I too have a hot temper, and my SO has told me numerous times that it is exhausting to argue with me – he usually remains quiet in hopes of soothing the thunder, which can make me feel like he’s ignoring my feelings. It’s something we’re working on ironing out. So, while your Fiance does need to do his part REGARDLESS of his academic life, you might want to delve deeper into your communication issues, and the reasons you are so quick to fire back. 

Lastly, I think your mom is in the wrong here. You don’t need to settle – you are only “lucky to have someone” when that someone makes you FEEL lucky.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 16
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If you think about breaking up with him, try to look further down the road and imagine how you will feel without him in a year’s time. Do you feel relieved, picturing that scenario? Or do you feel sad and like your life would be less complete without him? Try to really imagine what will happen if you break up, down to the nitty gritty details, and see how it makes you feel. This has helped me in the past with sorting out doubts of this kind.

I don’t really believe in “signs” like the ones you’re describing. However, the fact that you seem to be looking for them seems to say something about how you really feel. Maybe you’re just feeling too guilty to really deal with your own feelings.

It’s normal for some of that sexual fire that you have in the beginning of a relationship to die out I think, but I don’t think it’s normal for affection to fade that much. I don’t know what to tell you–it could just be cold feet and a reaction to all of the stresses in your life right now, as well as a problem you both have with communicating that is making you feel this way, or not.

One other thing: you mention your age, that you’re 27. Don’t let that be a reason to stay together and get married if you’re not happy! Of course I don’t know if you think that, but 27 is so young and if you do break up with your fiance you will be fine! Good luck, I’m sorry that you are having these problems. I’m also really sorry that you lost your best friend, that is devastating.

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