Post # 1
I’m sorry to put this on a wedding board, but I’ve been a reader for about a year now and could really use some advice.
I broke up with my long distance boyfriend of 3 1/2 years Friday night. We had a rough 6 months of fighting and distrust and had discussed breaking up multiple times. (He actually broke up with me two years ago and we got back together 3 months later.) Our relationship was moving backwards and I no longer saw a future with him. Since he was my best friend, it was super hard to end it but afterwards I felt relieved to know I wouldn’t have to feel unloved and upset everyday anymore. I was actually feeling pretty excited about new possibilities. I’m moving to a new city soon and curious to see what else is out there.
I was prepared and thought he would be too given the unhappiness that has been going on. I called him and we ended on a good note. We agreed not to text or talk for at least a month and not to see each other until we knew we could just be friends. However, yesterday (Monday)he texted me saying he knows he ruined everything, I’m the only constant in his future, and that he’ll never stop loving me. A few hours later he sent a picture of his dog. Then he called. Then he texted “sweet dreams”. Today, he sent a cheerful “good morning” song. He’s also contacted my best friend just to chat about grad school. (She responded and I wish she wouldn’t have.) I have ignored everything he’s sent me. I wish he would stop contacting me so I can move on but I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him to see my response as an invitation to talk. Why is he doing this? And what do I do?
Additional and possibly helpful information:
I’m 23, he’s 22.
He’s been my only relationship
Anything you could offer would be appreciated.
Post # 3
First of all, I’m so sorry. 🙁 Breakups suck! I could have written this post a few years ago when I broke up with my first boyfriend of nearly 4 years.
You need to be firm and tell him to stop contacting you. It’s the only way BOTH of you can start to heal from this. We made the mistake of trying to go immediately from serious relationship to friends and it blew up in our faces. We basically stopped talking for almost a year, and now we’re friends again – he came to my wedding, I’m going to his later this year, and we talk occasionally, but it was not easy. Explain to him that sending you cute pictures and texting isn’t going to change things, and that you NEED space for awhile. Some guys just cannot take a hint, and will see your lack of response as encouraging them to try harder. It will suck knowing that you’re going to hurt him by telling this, but try to surround yourself with friends and positive people to help you through the transition period.
Post # 4
I think you should just keep doing what you’re doing, after not hearing from you he will quit trying to contact you eventually.
Post # 5
So sorry you’re going through this. Are you still feeling confident in your decision? If so, just continue to ignore him. He’ll eventually get the hint and know you’re not interested. I would also extend it beyond the month you initially agreed on if he’s still contacting you at that point.
Best of luck.
Post # 6
Thank you guys so much. It feels good just to talk about it. I have the one best friend who was talking to him yesterday and my other best friend was never a huge supporter of our relationship . And I am still confident in my decision. My parents say I’m doing surprisingly well and I feel the same way. I think being long distance and used to not seeing him is making it easier, along with having the relationship take so much out of me. I’m already happier than I was. I really just want him to try to move on and be happy too.
Post # 7
No contact is key, and you’re doing it wonderfully. Look for ways that you could ignore him more, that is, change things around. With my exes, I always filtered their emails to trash or if you’re not ready just yet, a folder that you just wouldn’t look into until later or whenever you’re ready to not read it or read it. Block his number (if you’re OK with it) because seeing his texts might not be the best thing for you to read right now.
It’s nothing against him. But it really does help with how you’ll both take it. If he’s out of sight, he’s out of mind. I’m sure after a few more attempts he’ll get the message too. Be unavailable to him. That helps a lot with the breakup and healing process.
Post # 8
Oh man, I can relate. When I broke up with a previous Boyfriend or Best Friend years ago, it was awful. Similiar to your situation, we had been together for years and it just wasn’t working anymore, I didn’t see a future with him. He, on the other hand, suddenly became Mr. Attentive when I asked for a break- it turned into clingy and desperate behavior that I couldn’t tolerate. In the actual breakup, he cried and rolled around on the ground like a wounded animal (seriously). Even though I felt like a total bitch, I knew what I was doing was right and I just kind of stood there.
Afterwards, we tried to be ‘friends’ but he was too weird- the same desperate behavior and I couldn’t take it. I blew up when he admitted to hacking into my FB and seeing a message I had sent a male coworker (who I did have feelings for, but WTF we weren’t together anymore). I just stopped answering calls and texts and became busy with schoolwork (which helped me heal, too).
My only advice is to stand your ground. Even if you feel like a bitch, its better to rip the bandaid off quickly- for both of you. He’ll see that in the future.
Post # 9
Stand your ground and ignore him! I was in an unhealthy relationship like you, and the guy would always act super nice and try to win be back after we broke up. It ended up working, and we would get back together. However, once he had me back, he would go back to his old self and all of our relationship problems resurfaced. This happened 3 times before I finally ended it for good. I wasted a lot of time with him that I could have spent more productively.
Post # 10
Yup, no contact. Even if that means blocking his number or getting a new number. Even just a pay as you go phone for a little while to use until you go back to your old phone.
If he is contacting your friends, just let them know you do not want to hear about it. At all! Change the subject if they bring it up.
This is REALLY important for your healing and moving on.
Also, I just wanted to say, I do not know you of course but I am VERY proud of you for ending something that was just not right for you. It is very easy for people to stick with what is comfortable and what they know, even if they know it is not right for them or not what they really want. And I see this so often in women your age particularly. It sounds like you have some VERY exciting times ahead with a new city and I am sure some new (both good and bad!) experiences lay ahead and that is even more exciting!
Post # 11
I really appreciate all of this! Your kind words, advice, and support are actually making me tear up a little at my desk right now.
Post # 12
@darcyloo21: If you no longer feel in your heart that this relationship is the right thing for you, then you are absolutely doing the right thing.
I would definitely be honest with your friends and family and let anyone he may try to contact know that you are no longer seeing him and are not interested in talking to him.
If you have to block his emails, texts, phone number because he keeps trying to contact you, so be it.
It sounds like you’ve made up your mind and are confident in your decision. Don’t let him sway you.
Know that it is normal to hurt even if you are the one who ended things. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid that contact, but if you are really done and continue to have contact with this guy, it can be like rubbing salt on an open wound (for you and for him!).
Also, you are doing the right thing by avoiding contact with him because you don’t want to lead him to believe that things can/will get better between you.
Post # 13
@darcyloo21: Wow, I’m soo sorry! I know breakups are hard and he’s not making anything easier. I would ask your freind to stop responding and talking to him at all, and she’ll probebly do it. I also would agree to block his number, or change yours if you have no attachment to it. You both agreed ending it was for the best and so he needs to honor that.
Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, its going to hurt a lot more until it gets better and he may was well get it over with as soon as possible.
Post # 14
Lock off all contact! It’s unfair on him to give him any sense of false hope by responding (I know you already now this, but just reiterating). He is heartbroken and inlove with you and the only way he will move on, is if you lock him off! He will learn and heal and find love again. You will take time too, even though you seem confident in your decision, you are still young, only known love/relationship with him and you will need time to find your feet again. Wish you all the best x
Post # 14
You could block his number all together so you wont see what he sends at all. Or change his name in your phone to “annoying pie face” or whatever. You can change it back later – he doesn’t need to know you’re calling him names but if you see that flash up when he messages you instead of his name it might help alter your natural gut reaction to seeing his name pop up.