Post # 1
I’m here looking for advice on a situation I was never expecting to be in.
My Ex-Boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. We started dating when he was 18 and I was 22 we are 24 and 28 now and have been together since ( except one day three years ago where we broke up and got back together in less than 24 hours). Over the course of our relationship we have done long distance, traveled, supported one another though the death of grandparents, etc. He was my best friend and my biggest support and he constantly said the same about me. Our relationship was normal and we had our disagreements but we always worked through them. As by ex was finishing school he decided that he wanted to go to Med School instead of what he planned to do. He then spent the next two years applying to school and working while he lived at home. After he graduated from undergrad he started saying that he wanted us to live together and we agreed that we would wait until we were engaged (that was 2.5 years ago). Over the last two years we talked about when he would propose and it was decided that he would do so before he started school and that if he going to a school out of state he would like me to come with him.
He got accepted and chose to go to a local school this past December. When he told me that he was accepted into school the next thing he said was, “Expect your ring finger to get heavier in the next few months.” I was super excited and was very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him. We then began looking for apartments to move into. He was constantly sending me info about where we should live, how much rent we could afford with him having to take out loans, etc. Towards the end of May we started to tour different apartment complexes and we started having disagreements about where we would live. I wanted to live in cities in between where I work and where he would go to school so we would each have a 20-30 minute commute. He wanted to live in the city where he would be going to school so he could walk and not have to worry about getting to class on time with me having a 45-60 minute commute. After discussing this we decided it wasn’t fair to me to have to drive that much and we settled in looking at places in the middle. Around the middle of June I noticed he wasn’t as interested in looking at apartments and told him this. He said that with school getting ready to start he just had a lot on his mind and he was trying to finish projects at work before he left for school. During the first weeks of July we picked out an apartment and had a move in date. All we had to do was sign the lease.
The day before we were supposed to sign the lease and a week before he was to start school he broke up with me. He gave me my Grandmothers ring back (which I didn’t even know he had) and told me he just couldn’t do it. That over the last month he had been having doubts about us and one of those was that he has only seriously ever dated me so how did he know what we had was a good thing. We talked and cried for 3 hours before I left and went home.
We were NC for a whole month until we met up after I found a few of his things and wanted to return them. During our meeting he told me that he had spent his whole adult life with just me and wanted to see what else was out there. I wasn’t expecting anything but when it was time to say goodbye he told me that he didn’t realize how much he missed me until he saw me. We agreed to start talking again, that we were in no way dating, but we were seeing where things would go. I saw him in person twice and we talked on the phone every night about what I needed from him and he needed from me and where things went wrong etc. These were not easy heartfelt conversations; we were both honest with one another because if we were going to go forward we needed to make sure nothing was left unsaid. A week after we started talking he told me that he couldn’t do it anymore. That the day before he started feeling the same thoughts of seeing what else was out there and that he couldn’t keep doing this to us. We have been NC ever since.
I guess what I’m asking is has anyone else gone through something like this? I know I shouldn’t hold out hope that we get back together, but it’s hard because in my head we had a good relationship and he’s just getting scared. Does anyone have any advice about guys coming back later when they figured themselves out? Or advice for how to move on when you feel like your whole world has changed.
Post # 2
Dwelling on it is not going to make it better.
Rehashing, rethinking, etc is not going to make it better.
He gave up on you guys. Twice. He says he ‘doesnt know what’s out there’. Fine. The one positive from this is that he had the balls to break up with you instead of just cheating on you like a shit bag. Now take back control of your life and don’t let yourself be in limbo. You are in charge of your life.
If he comes crawling back to you because he realizes that you were actually the one, and you’re Ok with that? Fine. But that day may never come.
I can almost guarantee you that time will go by and you will be happy you dodged a bullet.
Kudos to you for going non-contact once already. Now do it again and mean it.
Block him off everything, do what you have to do to stop thinking about him.
Find YOU again. What makes you happy? What are your hobbies? Occupy your time with healthy activities that don’t include dating or anything like that. Not until you’re really ready.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but he’s only 24 and his eye is on his career right now. He is being up front with you about that. Not many relationships that begin at 18 always last because people grow and change. I think continuing going no contact is your best bet. Don’t hang on to something just because you’re scared of letting go. Live your life as if you don’t plan on getting back together. Start a new hobby..join an exercise class, anything to get you thinking about yourself instead of him. Breakups sometimes suck even worse when the relationship ends sort of anti climatically. Not all relationships have to end in a fiery argument. Sometimes it’s as simple as one person isn’t as invested anymore, and it seems like this is what happened with your ex. Keep your head up and stay strong. Good luck.
Post # 4
Well I haven’t gone through anything like this because if someone said he wasn’t sure about me, I’d be gone in 69 seconds and never speak to him again. As for his stuff, that’s what the garbage is for.
OP, I think you’re not really hearing him. He wants to date other people. It’s very likely that he has someone already in mind. He says he didn’t miss you until he saw you – this is not a compliment. He really couldn’t be any clearer that the relationship is dead to him.
Never speak to him again, don’t take his calls or emails. This is for your own benefit. What you’re experiencing now is very much like drug withdrawal and any little bit of contact with him starts you back at square one. I promise you that you will look back on this and be glad you didn’t waste any more time on this guy.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, bee. This sucks, plain and simple. I have been in this situation before, but more in your ex-bf’s shoes. I know I hurt my ex when I broke it off, but I was not happy in the relationship. We started dating when I was 16 and were together for 6 years. I felt like I had outgrown the relationship and never had a chance to grow into myself as an individual. I, too, wanted to see what else was out there.
While I know it hurts, be glad he was up front with you and didn’t keep stringing you along or go behind your back. Time and no contact will eventually heal your wounds. Hugs.
Post # 6
My situation with my ex was very similar, almost eerily so. We got together at 17/18 and broke up at 24/25. We also had one random one day break up midway through, but otherwise no real relationship problems. In my case, he did go to medical school out of state and I followed him. He broke up with me out of the blue a bit over a year after we moved. For the same reasons. He didn’t feel like he had experienced anything else and need to know what was out there. I tried to rationalize that he was just stressed from school or whatever, but the reality is that that feeling will not go away unless he actually gets out there. We had similar reconnections a couple times after we broke up, but it was just out of comfort. Eventually, I decided to give up on him and move on. He never came back.
No contact really is what is best and good for you for going NC in the beginning. But you need to move on mentally too. Don’t just wait around thinking he’ll eventually figure it out. In all likelihood he will be ready to commit eventually, but it probably won’t be to you, it’ll be to whoever he is dating then. That is just reality. Sometimes timing doesn’t work out even for a good relationship.
As far as how to move on? Trust me. I lived with my ex for 5 of those 6 years and moved to another state with him (at least you didn’t do that!). In one day my relationship ended and I was homeless (we lived in an condo owned by his parents, so I had to move) with no support system at all. Picking myself up from that was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to do. Just take it one day at a time. Find things to occupy your time and take your mind off of him. When you’re ready, date. Honestly, dating was one of the best things that got my mind off of my ex because it showed me that my ex wasn’t the end all be all of guys.
Post # 7
Thank you guys for your kind words. It’s nice to know that others have gone though the same thing. I’m doing my best not to think about it and move on. I’ve joined a gym, I’m moving in with my sister soon, and just going though each day. What has not been helping is three of my frineds have been in similar situations and all three of thier boyfriends came back. I keep telling myself that everysituation is different and this does not mean that he will do the same.
Post # 8
konwin : Its really good to as you said, ‘one day at a time’.
When things were really hard for me I would say, ‘I just have to get through today’ and after awhile a bunch of days add up to weeks, and months.
You can do this 🙂
Post # 9
I’m sorry…it really does suck plain & simple – find things to occupy your time, hobbies that you love, hang out w/ friends, read a good book…etc. But, also block & no contact w/ him it’ll make it much easier – as you have done it once before & yes every situation is definitely different.
I am glad to hear you have joined a gym & are moving in w/ your sister soon too. Just continue to take it one day at a time.
You can do this bee!
Post # 10
Oh hun, I’m so sorry. Firstly, I’m sending you a big hug!!
I have recently been in a similar situation, although my relationship was only two years and we are a bit older (both 32). My ex was talking about us buying a place together, we’d been looking at places and he’d even mentioned engagement rings. He suddenly one day ended it (over the phone!), saying he wasn’t able to be in a ‘forever relationship’ right now. He also does not want to speak with me as he says it’s too hard for him and he won’t be able to move on….so sorry to cause inconvenience for him haha! Anyway, we’ve been NC for about a month or so and in total we have been split up for about 3 months.
It sucks! But know that it’s OK to feel rubbish and grieve. Own it and feel it. It’s the only way to move through it healthily. Accept you’ll miss him, and accept you’ll have bad days (like me today, hence being back on the board!). Whenever I feel bad I remind myself I’m entitled to hurt and feel sad and it’s perfectly normal – it’s heartbreak and is one of the worst things a human can go through. Reminding myself of this helps. And plus, you know that you have the ability to love and care for someone deeply which is a really great thing 🙂
Do lovely things for yourself – things that helped me are seeing good friends, reconnecting with old ones, starting dance lessons and group fitness classes. I also really enjoy nights in with candles, good food and netflix! Give yourself things to look forward to – I’ve just booked a trip with some girlfriends and plan to buy a flat by myself – total independance and my own security! I also saw a therapist for a few weeks as the shock of the break up caused some quite bad anxiety. She really helped me and showed me how to combat negative thoughts when I get them.
I also went to a friend’s wedding last weekend – I bought a new dress, some new make up and had my hair done. I felt so good and confident and had a really fun night. Do you have a fun event to look forward to? Treat yourself and feel amazing! :). It also helped that I used a picture of myself from the wedding as my new facebook profile picture – lots of mutual friends and his family liked and commented on it and I know he will have seen it and seen what he’s missing. Childish maybe, but sometimes every little helps right 😉
When it comes to dating again take your time. You might feel ready, go on a date and then realise you aren’t. Also be prepared to feel like you’re comparing every guy to your ex – even if the new guy is amazing. It’s totally normal and is actually a good thing as it will stop you from jumping into a new relationship too soon. Take your time and when you go on a date just go with the intention to have a nice conversation with someone new. Relax, enjoy the experience and don’t put pressure on yourself to connect with someone right away.
I hope that has helped a bit. Know that we are in this together darling 🙂 xxx
Post # 11
Does anyone have any advice about guys coming back later when they figured themselves out?
I know that this is one of those, easier to give advice than follow it if I were in the same situation BUT. You do not want to take a guy back who left you to “sow some wild seeds” so to speak. I dated 3 guys before my SO came along, but never actually been with any other guy but him. Do I wonder what things would be like if I dated and slept with other guys? Sure. Am I willing to leave my SO to go “sample” the rest? No. Because what we have, I would only give up over my dead body. My SO has also wondered about the whole “I want to see what’s out there” idea, but at the same time we both feel that there’s nothing out there worth losing each other over.
You should be worth a man making that decision too. A partner who questions whether there is someone else out there who’s just as good or better than his current partner will ALWAYS question that.
And to me, it’s suspicious that the timing of the breakup occurred about the point when he started at a new school – lots of new dating options for him………It could well be that he realized with all these new options, that he didn’t want to be tied down and he didn’t want to be committed to just one girl. I know a lot of school mates who did that, 1st year med is breakup year for a lot of my friends, just because the temptation of a whole new pool of potential dates is too tempting for some people. Which might be why another PP had such similar experiences. A lot of fratenizing goes on in med school, even faculty know the rates – we were told 2/3s of us will probably end up married to someone within our cohort/coursemates.
YOU are worth more than that.
Post # 12
littlemissdimsum : Totally agree! 🙂
My ex isn’t a student/in med school, but I’ve reached a point now where I think I wouldn’t take him back as why would I want someone who doesn’t realise what he had with me (long story but he wasn’t the easiest to be with and was always saying how much calmer, mature and independant I was compared to other women he knew…he gave that up and good luck to him finding that again!)
You are definitley worth more than someone who doesn’t realise what they have. I have no doubt he will compare other women he dates with you 🙂 xx
Post # 13
“A partner who questions whether there is someone else out there who’s just as good or better than his current partner will ALWAYS question that.”
This is silly. Plenty of people question whether there is someone who is better for them out there than their current partner – that is why people break up. Because someone decides not to stay in a relationship for life that they feel is not right for them does not mean they will question every future partner.
Sometimes it’s as simple as it’s not the right time in a person’s life. This is what seems to me is the case in the OP’s story.
Some people know who and what they want early on, but it is just as common for a person to take a few more years to figure it out. OP, I know this is not much consolation, but you were both so young when you started dating, and you are still so young. Your boyfriend is starting medical school at the age of 24… he is nowhere near the stage where he should be thinking about getting married and settling down. That decision is a few years down the road, and he has time to make it, so we really cannot hold it against him that he is taking this time to himself. We only get one life and he is choosing to make the most out of his youth. I actually think that shows maturity. Far too many people cut their youth short and then wonder what could have been and have an affair or a mid-life crisis later on.
As far as getting over the emotional pain of the break up… it definitely doesn’t sound as if it was personal, so you have that comfort. The pain is very real and hard, so do anything and everything you can to make yourself feel better. Lean heavily on friends and family, plan fun outings for yourself (especially on the weekends), join meetup groups and meet new people. Start dating again when you’re ready. There are so many other guys out there.
Before long you won’t dwell any more on whether or not he will come back. If someone wants to leave, the best thing is just to let them go. I honestly wouldn’t put much effort into trying to fix things with this guy if he does contact you again because when the timing is wrong, no amount of effort will make it work. I promise that there is a better guy and a better time in store for you.
Post # 14
That sucks bee, I am so sorry. You deserve better. It hurts now but soon you will feel like yourself again and be able to see that you are better on your own than being with someone who isn’t ready to commit. My ex said the same thing, I was his first, he’s had a gf but nothing serious. He was always wondering if he missed an opportunity to date, to live with his guy friends, to do things independently. To see what else was out there. At least he had the balls to break it off and didn’t cheat. My ex cheated on me with a nurse he swore was “just a friend”. He wasn’t ready to commit he had to see what it would be like with another woman. Problem was, she was still very much married and he was in a relationship and living with me. He’s happily married to her with a baby on the way. But they both cheated to be together, not a great way to start a commitment.
Medical school is incredibly hard and it’s even harder on relationships. Most don’t survive it. Too many options and not enough home time to stay happy and not let the eyes wander. Always out studying and doing clinicals and who’s arms do they fall into? Their classmates who they see every day. Being in medicine changes who you are and makes you into a different person. Not always a bad thing but those leaps and bounds can drive a wedge between the most solid couples. You aren’t going to medical school so he would always feel disconnected from you in a small way. You aren’t in the trenches with him persay. If he chose to stay, you likely would not have had much of him or his time anyway. I’m only a paramedic and school for that was tough and did the same. Most relationships didn’t last. Half our class was dating the other half and round and round. People got divorced and people dated within their new circle.
Take some time, get your hair done. Take a trip you’ve always wanted to. Get some fresh air and remember who you are and what you love and where you want to go in life. This will soon be in the past, make sure you’re living your best life. The right one will come along who makes you believe in love again.