- 4 years ago
I am very much in need of help with my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we live together. 60-70% of the time, our interactions are very sweet and tender. He is quite loving and affectionate. During these times, I feel hopeful about our present and future, and very secure in our bond. I begin to feel like we have found our groove and our capacity for a joyful life. I relax into it with joy. We laugh, make love, snuggle, and enjoy each other.
<br />During the other 20-30%, however, I do not. He will distance himself through closed body language, overworking and speaking coldly or critically towards me. At these moments, I feel very stressed and worry alot about his feelings and whether or not my self esteem can handle staying with him. I have tried speaking with him about this, and he understands, but it continues. Sometimes I feel like we make progress, but it´s hard to know. I try to give him space, also, but it doesn´t seem to make a difference. The cycle ends when it ends. My goal has been to try to find some other focus when this is occurring, but it´s very hard not to worry about it. Twice, when he has been in this phase, he talked about taking a break, but he never follows through. Inevitably, the cycle returns to contentment, and he is so kind and warm.
<br />He has a job he dislikes (and is stressful) and some health problems, so I do believe this contributes to it, but I think the big issue is psychological. He has been living on his own, far away from his family since he was 17. He has stated he fears losing his independence and that he worries he is not ready for someone like me, but he also says he cares for me more than anyone, that I am the best girlfriend he´s ever had, he totally trusts me and that I am the best person he´s ever known.
<br />He appears to have issues with intimacy with his friends and family too and seems to pride himself on very easily detaching from people, even the friends he considers close. Being with me has led him to ask himself questions about this kind of behavior. Lately, he has mentioned many times that he thinks my approach is healthier (open to people first, if they break your trust try to forgive, and you cannot forgive, then kindly let them go). His approach is more like, protect yourself at all costs, don´t open much, and if they break your trust, just move on. I do not think he looks behind very much. I don´t know if this is good or bad. He´s had this style for a decade with friends and relationships (save one which he experienced as a very painful betrayal – he opened up and then she took back her love) and did not seem to question it until recently.
<br />I love him very much, but I am worried I have to leave him. I have told him that a break would be fine with me if need be, but I´m concerned that even after one, if we get back together, he will still push and pull.
<br />I recognize that the push me away – pull me close behavior may result from fears of intimacy or commitment, or a dramatic kind of ambivalence, and I am very understanding. I sense that there are some control issues at play here too – towards me and with himself. I am very tired, and I want to be able to 100% rely on him. Is this possible? He is a wonderful man who I admire and love, but he feels unstable right now.
<br />Do you have any ideas, suggestions, ways in which I may be contributing to this dynamic? Can our relationship be saved?Has anyone else been through something like this and come out on the other side, or is the end inevitable?
Sorry this is so long! Any respectful thoughts are appreciated, negative or positive. XO –
- This topic was modified 4 years ago by ReneeBee.