Break ups suck

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this! But I really do think it’s the right decision!! You’re a tough woman, you’ll land back on your feet. I know it doesn’t suck any less, but you’ve got this. I know you do. 

Post # 3
Member
8104 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

andromeda99 :  The tire thing sucks. When it rains it pours. It will get better though.

He knows why it’s over. I wouldn’t even try to give him an explanation. He’ll only challenge you and demand examples and say “but what about….” Don’t give him the chance. If you feel you absolutely must say something, “I wasn’t happy anymore and that’s reason enough.”

Post # 4
Member
9108 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

andromeda99 :  

Bee, it’s over because he abused you.

Lose the guilt, it serves absolutely no purpose.  It helps no one.  The kids will move on, probably much more quickly than you think.  They’re still young.  Yes, it is unfortunate that you won’t be in their lives anymore.  But, you can’t sacrifice yourself on the altar of stepmother hood.

And, just as Daisiy_Mae said,do not engage with him about the relationship!  He’ll be like a pushy salesman with his foot in the door.  He’s going to argue over everything, he’s trying to figure out how to get the control back.

My advice is that you arrange to have at least one other adult present when he comes around on legitimate business, eg sorting out bills relating to the house.  All the better if you can arrange for a male friend to be there or a group of friends.

DO NOT SEE HIM ALONE, BEE!

If you absolutely have to see him in person, why not just meet at a coffee shop?

Post # 6
Member
8104 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

andromeda99 :  “I don’t think he knows.” — Ok, but so what if he doesn’t? It’s not your problem anymore. 

Also, his kids will be fine. There are TONS of kids with a jackass for a dad. They survive. Do not let guilt over his kids be your excuse to stay in touch with him. He’s the shitheel who brought you into their lives and then treated you so poorly that you couldn’t take it anymore. Just like he did to their mom except she can’t make a clean break like you can. 

Stay strong, bee. 

Post # 7
Member
3831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

andromeda99 :  He knows he treated you badly so he’s just playing at not knowing why. By playing the ignorant but why game he is trying to get a chance to manipulate you again. Don’t give him the chance. Keep him blocked from your phone and email.

Also you are looking at things through rose colored glasses at the moment. 

We had good times. We got along pretty well 

That’s not really true because every few months you’d be posting about your relationship situation asking for advice and debating whether to leave him. You guys were together 3 years and you’ve spent half of your time together posting here about problems you had. Trust me you did not have enough good times and you only got along well because you always chose to bite your tongue, back down or not address any issues you had with him. 

Every time you feel yourself wavering, please go back and read your posts you made on here and hopefully that will give you a reality check. You are better without him. He’s a condescending prick and your post about his ex and her salary confirms it a thousand times over.

Get out of your head, you spend far too much time in their analyzing stuff in your life. Self awareness is good but it seems like you always manage to convince yourself of the positives or create positive situations where few exist. When you find yourself obsessing and turning things over, consciously make a point to stop!

Good luck bee. It will be hard but it will get better and stop worrying about how he will feel. He never gave you the same courtesy. You owe him nothing…

Post # 8
Member
9108 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

andromeda99 :  

Nothing is scarier than the prospect of being with your ex.

He doesn’t pay child support?  That is despicable and tells you everything about his character.  His convoluted reasoning is alarming.  His ex was kind of nuts to rent from him, what a nightmare.  But, learn from her mistakes.  She probably never hauled him into court before because it wasn’t worth the hell he would put her through.  But, now, she really needs the money.  He could end up owing her a significant chunk of change in back payments if their little “arrangement” doesn’t jibe with legal mandates.  Wish her well.

I am glad you’re processing everything.  Just don’t overdo it and don’t rewrite history. As long as you stay strong with not talking to him.  It seems that he really likes to bait you.  Keep up the good work in not biting.

Make a list of every crappy thing he has ever said or done to you.

It doesn’t matter whether he knows or not.  He most likely does, but he thinks by playing make believe, he can make it not be true.  And, he honestly isn’t really interested in what you think, want, or feel.  He’ll decide whether you’re together or not.

I am very relieved that you will not be seeing him alone.  Stay on topic and do not fall for his bait.  You steer the discussion and keep it limited strictly to matters related to the business of separating households.  Then, send him on his way to go find your replacement.  That may happen much more quickly than you expect.

Post # 9
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would never be with someone who treats their ex (mother of his children) with such disrespect and contempt. This should have been an immediate red flag…but you seem to be blind to all his red flags.  I think thus guy has some kind of narcissistic condition or personality disorder…but you seem like you are looking for excuses to go back to him. Which I sincerely hope you don’t.

Post # 11
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

Oh Dear OP, this guy is a true scumbag. He gets worse and worse with every update. Please dont even consider taking him back and as another poster suggested, if you have to meet him to conclude certain business or financial matters take someone with you so he cant brow beat you into getting back with him.

Do you know why he does this? Because he realizes that unless he can find a vulnerable woman no person in their right mind would put up with his behavior. He was abusive to you, he used you, and expected you to be perfect while he was a perfect shithead. This is what emotional abusers do. They create a world where their needs are more important than anyone elses, yours included. 

The fact that he thinks he doesnt owe child support is disgusting. He wants to sue her? See his needs are more important than the needs of his children? See where I am going with this? You can never win. His needs will always come first. In life and relationships that isnt how it works. When you partner with someone you have to compromise and meet each others needs and take into consideration that your partner needs your support. You take his needs into consideration but never does he take yours into consideration. It wont change. 

Ever heard the old saying, “Better the devil you know, than the one you dont?” I think thats where you are right now. You are afraid. You are thinking he cant possibly be worse than the unknown around the corner but thats just not true. When the time comes you can put yourself out there and take the lessons you have learned from this relationship and apply the red flags to other relationships. You will have a better understanding of when something is off and know to cut those relationships off before they get to far. I would also advise you to seek counseling. Therapy can help you figure out why you thought his behavior was acceptable and why you tolerated it for so long. 

In the long run addressing these issues in a safe therapeutic environment can help you make better choices when it comes to entering into relationships.

Post # 12
Member
9108 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

andromeda99 :  

Look up cerebral narcissist.

Post # 13
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

If your son is telling you it’s the right decision then you know it’s true. Don’t give this jackass any more headspace or time.

Post # 14
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

andromeda99 :   “Making $60K a year?  That’s poverty level.” […]

He will constantly deny having said something and you will never get him to back down. […]

So, he kicked the renters out of the rental house and had her move in.  It was his suggestion and she obliged despite the hour long commute she would then have.

I feel like giving him a high-five.

To his face.

With a chair.

Post # 15
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

hampsterdance :  Love your screen name and love the high five to the face with a chair. You gave me my first laugh of the day.

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