(Closed) Breaking off engagement advice needed

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I actually broke off the engagment for a week, yet missed him, and got back together.

You have broken the engagement once before and now thinking of it again, regardless to what he has done I think this speaks for itself. You are not sure he is the one.

Post # 4
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @subree: first and foremost… I see you are NEW here, so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Only you can answer what you think is right or wrong or acceptable in regards to moral character for a person you wish to marry.

If you aren’t comfortable with something you have options…

Discuss it with him (which you’ve done) accept the explanation… and move on from it

Don’t accept his explanation, and seek counselling for the 2 of you

Don’t accept his explanation, consider it a deal-breaker… and move on with your life away from this person… in hopes of finding someone more suited to you (and you will)

I am an oldtimer as well (over 50)… and for me this situation would be unacceptable

Because of the activity / content… I have very rigid ideas of what is and isn’t cheating… appropriate behaviour as long as I am in his life.  This would be emotional cheating IF there was interaction with someone on line… as there wasn’t this is just sexually inappropriate IMO (sooo don’t want to hear about who’d you like to do… give a pearl necklace to).  Never mind the fact that this is all very immature behaviour… not something I’m looking for in a man in my middle age.

Here’s what I’ve learned as a middle aged Divorcee… there are GREAT guys out there… but they are not easily found (BUT SOOOO WORTH IT when you do).

There are tons of men out here on the single scene that are here because they are not worth dating (have HUGE emotional issues… and I’m not a counsellor interesting in “fixing” anyone at my age… lol, I’m retired… and looking to have a nice fun organized life, not a job).  As well there are a lot of men single because they have stuff wrong with them, are losers etc.  They are single because some other GOOD WOMAN threw them away… I don’t collect broken items normally in my life… so WHY would I want a man who is ?

Whatever you decide, just do so with your eyes wide open… and the knowledge, that YES you can certainly change your mind again if need be.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 7
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@subree:  I’m in my 40s and I’ve got pretty conservative standards (I don’t like porn, for instance), but I think sexual comments on a celebrity website are just silly guy things. He’s not interacting with a person, he’s just making sexual comments about someone he’ll never meet. I consider that less bad that porn, for instance.

Post # 8
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

From a younger (non-Christian) point of view, I personally don’t see what he did was that wrong. To me, the comments seem like general comments that many guys would innocently make. There doesn’t seem to be any intent to do anything wrong, engage with another woman, or offend anyone.  Most of the guys I know probably think the things that your fiance posted, so I don’t think what he said specifically crossed the time. 

Clearly this is important to you and it seems to be more an issue of expectations than specifically what was said.  Is the probablem for you that he was thinking sexual things, making sexual comments, or that he might be thinking about other women?

Post # 9
Hostess
11619 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m fairly liberal but this is just gross to me. I wouldn’t like what it says re how he views women. At his age? No thanks. I don’t see it as a cheating thing, but more of a moral character thing. That’s my 2 cents. As for what you should do, only you know what’s in your heart, but I will say that you get what you agree to. So, if this is okay in the long term, and you can overlook it, go forward with him. If its not okay, and he doesn’t see it as a problem, then you need to reevaluate. You deserve to find the right one:-) 

Post # 10
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t see this as being any different from things a guy would say in a locker room or on a stag night. It’s celebrities, and that’s not the same as “real” women. For example, Fiance enjoys porn now and again. I don’t mind, because it’s strangers on the internet. But if he were paying money to see some of his buddies, an ex, or people from work having sex, that would be ENTIRELY another story.

 

If this is reflective of how he sees women overall, that’s one thing, but it’s probably just machismo. Definitely make sure you figure out which it is before you proceed with marrying him, though!

 

 

 

Post # 15
Hostess
11619 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

@subree:  i just read your examples. Wow. Every woman is different on this issue, but I am definitely in your camp here. I would not be able to feel the same after reading that. I know many men talk like that and the internet brings out the worst, so maybe you can cut him some slack. But I would have a problem with it, as you are. Hugs

 

eta:! Ps I always wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were saying things like this about a celebrity? 

If he’s good to you in other ways and his character is solid, this is tough. Take your time, give yourself some space before you make up y our mind.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

a grown man making comments like that!! Id expect that from a 15 year old, not a 50 year old!! soo wrong!

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