Post # 1
I just broke off my engagement with my long time boyfriend of 9 years. I love him but I realized that I couldn’t be with him for the rest of my life. I am 24 years old and we have never lived with each other. I’ve always told him that I think it’s important for two people to live together before getting married. He never wanted to because it was untraditional in his family. I feel that I used to get back with him for all of the wrong reasons. I hated being single for one and the second I got lonely, I ran back to him. I would go back to him because it was comfortable and familiar. Not because I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. When he proposed, I was in shock. I didn’t know how to process it. I thought that I was happy and ready to make this life changing commitment. At first I even told everyone that we were going to wait until 2011, but everyone kept telling us that it was too long to wait until then and that it was silly to have a long engagement. I knew that my judgment was clouded because I began planning and getting into the wedding. I wasn’t looking at the big picture, which was being with this person for the rest of your life. I should have seen the signs, but does anyone really pay attention to the signs??
It wasn’t until a few months ago that I started getting cold feet. I brushed it off thinking that I was just too stressed with the planning. It’s funny because I was never too excited about planning either. I was at first when I got engaged but that suddenly changed once I really began planning, and putting deposits down. Whenever someone would ask me why I was getting married and that I was too young, I wouldn’t say, “Oh because we’re in love and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.” That would be the right answer. I would say, “Well we’ve been together for so long so it feels right.” That should have been another sign right there. It wasn’t until this weekend that I finally broke down and talked to my maid of honor and best friend about my feelings. It was so good talking to her because I finally said it out loud. I even got up the courage to open up with my family. Everyone was supportive which was exactly what I needed.
He and I spoke last night and it wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life. It was horrible and sad. I just opened up about everything and he was in shock because he had no idea I felt this way.
I am at work right now and I am losing my mind. I feel sick, depressed and awful. I don’t regret my decision to call off the wedding. I do however have remorse about ending our relationship in general. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I let go of the best thing that has ever happened in my life and that I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who loves me and would do anything for me like he would? I am just feeling really confused right now and I just hope that there’s someone out there that has gone through this or is going through this that could talk to me.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much right now. I’m confident that you did the right thing. Its never easy at first. But I’m a firm believer in 2 cliches- “all things happen for a reason” and “what’s meant to be, will be”. I hope you’re family and friends remain supportive.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery
you poor thing..my heart goes out to you and I think that in the end you will find you made the right decision…it’s much easier to call off a wedding than plan for divorce. My wishes go out to you during this tough time and I hope that your family will continue to support you.
Post # 5
It takes a lot of courage and maturity to make a decision like that. Sometimes we need to do things that hurt in the short term to help us in the long term. I am so glad to hear that you have friends and family who support you and who are willing to stand by you in this very difficult time. Be open and honest with people that you trust. Take care for yourself and give yourself time to reflect and process. You have ended a relationship with someone you have been with for all of your adolecent and adult life. It may feel like you have let everything go, but you are a young woman and this is your chance to begin exploring yourself outside of a relationship. This could be a really positive experience for you in the long term, even if it does not feel like it now.
Post # 6
Im so sorry youre going through this right now. I will say this.. if your gut and heart are telling you something.. usually they are right. I was with my ex for 4 years.. I thought he was the love of my life. Everyone kept telling me he wasnt right for me.. and I had to see it on my own. I broke up with him November of 2007. It was the BEST decision of my life. It was very hard and I felt exactly the same as you, but I look back now and Im so thankful I had the guts to be true to myself!
Post # 7
I’m sorry to hear this but if you took the decision in the first place it is because you felt there was nothing there to continue. You are feeling empty because you guys were together for so long, you are used to be with him etc, it is not love anymore and now you are wondering if you made the right decision. Give yourself time to move on and start a new life. Be open to date when you are ready not right now, live a little and explore whenever you least expect it love will be knocking on your door again =) Good Luck!
Post # 8
I logged in this morning just to reply to this post. Jangelo, I just called off my relationship with my boyfriend/soon to be Fiance of 2 years because I knew in my heart it just wasn’t right.
I loved him very very much, but there were warning signs all around me. It was easy to get caught up in dresses and veils and my ginormous ring and centerpieces but I was ignoring the relationship that is supposed to be at the center of it all. We were very comfortable together, and supportive. He felt like my absolute best friend, but he was immature in ways that I kind of ignored. I didn’t want to think about dating again, and I didn’t want to even CONSIDER the possibility that this wasn’t “IT” so I just played along.
Sometimes someone can be a great boyfriend, but they aren’t meant to be your husband.
I know I would have ended up in a very unhappy marriage feeling like he didn’t do enough to support our family.
I’m glad that I walked away because I know it wasn’t the right relationship to lead to marriage but I still struggle with my decision all the time. Will I ever find someone who loved me like he did? Will I ever find someone to spend time with that I loved like him? I broke up with my best friend over money, why? These are questions that keep me up at night, but I’ve tried to be strong and have faith that God has a bigger plan for my life.
PM me if you ever want to talk, or you can read through my previous posts about how I struggled with calling off our engagement.
Post # 9
Thank you all so much. Reading your comments has helped tremendously. I know that it won’t be easy but I also know that this is for the best. I should feel like a bad person for what I did. I know that he and his family are hurt by my decision, but I just hope they all realize that it was for the best. It was much better to have gone through this now than right before the wedding or even after the wedding. It is going to take sometime to cope with this, but I know that deep down inside we’ll both get through it.
One more comment. I deactivated my facebook account this morning to avoid drama and questions from people. I come to find out that his sister’s status says, “So confused, disappointed, and sad this morning.” I don’t know how to react to this. I am angry and sad that she would post something like this. It’s not something that should be made public right now and she’s putting this out there for the world to read. I think it’s disrespectful and not her place to post something like this. Obviously people are going to comment on her status but so far she’s being saying that it is a personal family matter. If it’s personal, than why put it as your status. It enrages me! I know that people are going to talk but I’m not ready to listen or talk about it. Especially not on facebook! This just makes me realize even more that we can’t be together. His family is way to into our business and they would suffocate us. It’s just way too much to deal right now!
Post # 10
Take a deep breathe. Try to remind yourself you are doing the right thing. Never regret the choices you’ve made! There has to be plenty of good reasons why you called the wedding off. I think you should not be so hard on yourself, if your ex Fiance isn’t the one for you there is def someone out there for you! Someone who will love you not matter what, forever. It is a very hard thing to walk away from someone who has been such a large part of your life, having said that..you will get through this. I am not saying it won’t be hard, but you will make it through an even better person than you are now! Chin up girl, you did the right thing! We are all here for you!!!!
Post # 11
I read your post and can sympathize with you.
I too broke off my wedding, which is almost 2 months away. We share a similar story, we were togther for 4 years and although I loved him I felt it wasn’t right to marry him. The morning he proposed to me I was indifferent. I thought, hey..he wants to marry me, why not? It’s the next logical step right? I didn’t cry nor was I happy as can be, I was just ready to set off on a new journey with him to which I wasn’t sure how it was going to pan out. After a year of being engaged I lost sight of what a marriage was supposed to be about.. me and him. For months, I had cold feet and also shrugged it off due to stress to wedding planning.
But now I live back at home with my parents, we bought a house together last May and it was really emotional having to pack up all my things and come back here. I have the support I need from my family and friends but I still feel at a loss as to where my new life will lead me.
This morning I woke up in a ball, wanting to repack all my stuff and crawl back into the arms of the man I once loved. But after reading your post, I realize that thing’s do happen for a reason. If I do marry him, we would probably end up in a divorce because I would’ve only done it to make him and his family happy.
We unfriended ourselves on facebook, I also unfriended his family to avoid any more emotional trauma. We are only a month into our breakup and we still speak and have feelings for each other but who are we kidding. If my heart’s not in it now after 4 years when will it be?
In the long run I think we are doing the right thing. There’s no need to have to force happiness when it’s not there in our hearts. PM me if you need to talk, we can see each other through this.
Post # 12
I broke off my engagement 7 months ago, we were going to be getting married May 22, 2010. Granted he cheated on me and our relationship was in shambles… but I can sympathise with your situation. It was so hard to break up with him, I was scared and I didn’t have any family here to support me. But I had a friend (who is now my boyfriend) who has been my rock since meeting him over a year ago. Lean on the people who support you and you’ll get through this.
Though the “break up” was amicable, it was the ex’s backlash after the fact, calling my mom and sister crying saying I left him for another guy who was an alcoholic, blah blah I cheated on him etc etc… making me the bad guy, never mentioning that he cheated on me MULTIPLE times with multiple women, and neglecting the fact that I had infact fallen in love with Jason, not just found some random person, I had feeling for someone else. And I tried everything I could to ignore that fact, I stopped contact and really TRIED to make the relationship work… But I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
So, long story short… I know where you’re coming from, although it’s harder when you do still love the person, and he wasn’t a terrible person, just not the right one. Stay true to your feelings, don’t second guess yourself. You were together for NINE YEARS! You both have changed so much and probably haven’t been able to really explore that because you’ve been trying to be the same people you two fell in love with… It will get easier for both of you. And be single, enjoy it, take the time to hang out with your girl friends. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because you were “tied down”… Travel. Stay busy, it will keep your mind off of it.
And us Bee’s are always here when you need to vent! 🙂
Post # 13
i am going threw the same thing i was with my ex-fiance for 3 years and we were engaged 2 times the first after a year and he broke it off because he felt my family was controlling out relationship so we broke up than we got back together a week later and got engaged the past christmas eve than about a few months ago i realized i did not see myself spending my life with him so i broke off the engagement and he didn’t see it coming and was in shock also.. i had seen him a week later at a party and i felt like i had messed up the best thing in my life because he was hanging out with his ex
after a few of my friends talking to me they helped me realize i did the right thing and they said they would be there for me but than they decided i did the wrong thing and stopped talking to me so now I’m stuck with trying to decided if i did the right thing or the wrong thing and he is now dating his ex gf and I’m stuck with a broken heart and second guessing myself
i have hung out with a few friends that i have and it helps and i get over him and im better but once i see him or i find something that is his or reminds me of him i get worse and start to brake down in tears like today when i had to clear off a bookshelf and tv stand so i could give it back to him i started to cry and go back to the same place i was a month ago so i packed up everything i could find that remind me of him and put it in a box and put in in the addic so i cant see it..
Post # 14
@spring1295:So sorry about this, and that you are going through this. My fiance just broke up with me this morning, by email nonetheless, and I quote: “I don’t want to marry you lisa…I don’t want to marry anyone….I need the emottional space to pursue my goals, etc. etc.” And I sit here and think what about the emotional space I have sacrificed for three years. I am devastated. I have this 3 carat ring, just picked up the bands, and am clueless as what to do. Even more so, I am so hurt I just don’t understand this kinda thinking, when he proposed in the first place. I will never fully understand men.
Post # 15
I remember reading this post a few weeks back when searching for cold feet feeling like part of me was in this story and in some of the commentors’ stories. I, too, have been with my Fiance for a while, 5 years, and have this feeling of uneasiness about getting married. Not sure if it’s prolonged anxiety (had it in various degrees for several months) or warrants calling it off.
While we’ve never broken up, like most couples we’ve had some hiccups, but have always made it through as better partners. With that said, I didn’t realize until becoming engaged, that, we feel more like partners or roommates than a couple. I don’t know if that’s natural, but it’s hard when I am struggling to feel “in love” or “loving” during a period when I am deciding to committ myself unconditionally to another person.
I also register with the indifference surrounding the proposal. I remember thinking ‘no’ when he did it, but chalked it up to me ruining his plan 🙂 I also don’t know if ‘no’ was just a knee-jerk response to feeling out of control.
Again, we have a great relationship, avoid the pitfalls that plague many marriages, enjoy spending time together (although my anxiety doesn’t help), but something in me feels like the original post here. Any thoughts I’d appreciate. I commend anyone who has gone through a broken engagement with courage and stength.
Post # 16
@SnugglesKD: I broke off my engagement to my bf of almost 3 years. As you mentioned we had a lot of hiccups in our relationship and actually many instances when we should have ended it but we didn’t and we worked through it. There was no “in love” feeling for either of us and it pretty much felt like we might as well do it because we have been together for so long and we should move forward. Even though I thought I wanted the engagement, I thought that would make us happier as couple, it didn’t. I made too many compromises on my end for the relationship. As soon as I got the ring on my finger, I felt burdened. A few weeks later I finally decided to end things and I felt a million times better. I don’t have any regrets about what happened. I’m glad I didn’t go through with it and I think if your gut tells you something is off, it must not be right.