(Closed) Breaking Point: Giving Myself an Ultimatum

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@ShoeGal89: Good for you! Life is too short to wait around – go after what you want and the right partner will want to build a life WITH you. <3

Post # 4
221 posts
Helper bee

@ShoeGal89:  it sounds like you’re still giving him a ultimatum but not telling him what it is so you feel better about “not” giving him an ultimatum. Have you discussed whether he has a time frame he’s planning to propose? If not, I think now is the time to do that rather than storming out of his life when your secret deadline expires. 

Post # 5
577 posts
Busy bee


Sounds like you had a rough day! It’s okay to vent and get it out of your system. It is never easy when things don’t move according to plan, especially when you are at a point of transition or struggling to adjust.

Personally I can understand the feeling of contradiction of loving someone so much and knowing how ridiculously amazing they are but struggling when a disconnect happens in the relationship. 

Do you think you could have a timeline conversation with him? Many waiting bees use this and it really helps a lot! Plus you get a chance to talk calmly and just be real with your partner, so it can be very good bonding. 

Post # 6
205 posts
Helper bee

Hi, sorry you are hurting. I may have missed it, so please forgive me, but I don’t think I read that you two have discussed it?


I do think it might be time for you to bring it up in a casual way at first and then maybe sit down to have ‘the talk’. Try to be careful not to make it an attack about how you have moved so far to be with him etc and more about how you love him and want to move into the next phase of your lives together.


You didn’t really have a bad word to say bout him in your post, so I’m guessing he is a great guy. Give him a chance to show how great he really is by telling him how you are feeling, he can’t do anything about it if he doesn’t know.


Good luck! πŸ™‚


Post # 7
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

I’m sorry you feel this way πŸ™ and it okay to vent because WAITING is hard. I have waited 3 years to get my proposal and by the end it was horrible. My Fiance actually told me at that time that he isn’t ready to propose for another year and somehow i had to accept that because he couldn’t do it for many reasons at the time. A few weeks later he proposed πŸ™‚ So you never know what migt be holding him up or maybe he has had a plan all along to surprise you, you never know.

What i think you should do is try tto bring up proposal stuff in front of him and see how he reacts if he doesn’t do anything then you might want to let him know clearly” I can’t wait forever are you planning on actually doing it someday soon?. 

Maybe he just doesnt know how much really want it

good luck πŸ™‚

sorry you had such a hard day 

Post # 8
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I had something very similar happen to me with an exbf.  If you need to chat about it feel free to PM me.

Post # 9
403 posts
Helper bee

Lesson learned, don’t uproot your entire life if you have no idea if marriage is on the table. Ask him now, not later. “I moved my entire life to be with you expecting a proposal. Was that a correct assumption?” Go from there. 

Post # 10
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ShoeGal89:  You know, I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong or inappropriate about speaking up for yourself. 

I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with saying, “Hey, I love you. I left a job and city I loved to be with you. But I feel I made a mistake in not being more upfront about what I want and need.  I want to get married. I want a real commitment. I don’t want to just play house with you. I need to know what your intentions toward me are. I need to know if you plan to marry me and when.” and then take it from there. 

If he says he wants to get married and gives you a definite timeframe, perfect.

If he hedges or is unsure then you can tell him that you are not prepared or willing to mark time in a relationship that has no future and that you will need to consider your own best interests and then do so.

Post # 11
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@atacrossroads:  +1.  I like this wording.

@ShoeGal89:  It’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation with him.  From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re ready to get engaged and he’s not.  You deserve to know where he’s at.

I don’t necessarily think walk dates are a bad idea, but I do think it’s unfair to set an arbitrary date in your mind and not share that date with your partner.  I actually think you should say, “We’ve been dating 4 years.  I know I want marriage, and I want it with you.  I moved here to be with you because I thought we were getting engaged.  We’re old enough and have been dating long enough to know if this is the real deal or not.  I’m not going to wait forever.  If you don’t know within the next year [or 6 months, 5 weeks, or whatever your walk date is] that you’re ready to marry me, I’m going to move on.”  Give him the chance to say, “I want to finish grad school and get settled into my first job before I propose,” or “I just don’t want to get married yet, but I know I will before I’m a certain age,” etc.  Then figure out what you’re willing to wait for.

This is a very important thing to discuss, so you should both be on the same page.  He knows it’s affecting you, so this conversation shouldn’t come as a total shock.

Post # 12
8092 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think it’s great that you are taking your power back.  I’m guessing that you’ve had The Talk by now, which is only fair.

But, he’s had all the power & it’s created the resentment you are feeling.

Post # 13
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Aw, big hugs. That’s a major decision, and not a fun one. 

I know you dont’ like giving ultimatums, but you may want to have that conversation, as PPs have suggested. He deserves to know how serious you are, even if he doesn’t get a “walk date.”

Post # 14
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this πŸ™ I live in the midwest also and am counting the days til I graduate and move because I hate the brutal winters. I can’t imagine the bitterness and resentment I would feel if I had moved here to be with my SO and was still waiting on a proposal! *hugs*

I agree with @sailor_girl‘s suggestion – it’s open and honest without being pushy or forcing your walk date on him. While I also agree with your decision to keep your walk date to yourself, explaining to him how you’re feeling is of critical importance.

Post # 15
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Zhabeego:  +1

@sailor_girl:  +1 – I agree that it’s unfair to set a walk date without having a timeline talk.

Waiting can be HARD. It’s even worse that you feel like you’ve given up your life for him. (and to WI… nonetheless) You need to address that… Resentment does nothing good for relationships. If you want to see this relationship grow, a conversation is needed.

Post # 16
522 posts
Busy bee

@Zhabeego:  +1

@sailor_girl:  +1

You love this man enough to marry him. You love this man enough to move for him. I think that you need to at least share that you are discontent and figure out where his head is for all of this. The worst thing you can do is not say anything and let resentment build. You made a lot of compromises for him now it’s time for him to show you where he is at.

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