(Closed) Breaking tradition

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We’re having a nonreligious wedding on a yacht. Yesterday my religious aunt asks, “So how much is it costing you?” Um, rude. But FH answers with a general roundabout figure and she says “Oh, J (my sister & MOH) got married in our church for free.” She basically asked that question just so she could make her point– point being that we’re wasting all our money for no reason. 

Anyway, the church didn’t pay for EVERYTHING for my sister’s wedding, so no, she did not getting married for free. Urghhhhh.

Post # 18
Member
690 posts
Busy bee

The number of opinions on weddings is just mind boggling!  Lately what has been surprising me is the number of people who have opinions on us BEING traditional.  I’ve received pretty rude comments about our decision to marry in a church, me taking his last name, and the fact that we don’t live together yet. 

Of course there have been comments whenever I’ve considered waivering on a tradition (my mom insisted that I have a wedding cake, and tried to convince me that I couldn’t possibly wear flat shoes – what is up with that lol???).  One of the best is relatives who provide conflicting opinions – going on about how expensive and ridiculous weddings are, followed by disbelief that we might not hire a limo, have a professional decorator, and “can’t you just pay someone to do that for you?”

In spite of all my venting, I think I’ve managed to stick to what is most important to me, while compromising on the less important stuff (and note… I WILL be wearing flats hehe)

Post # 19
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ok, this is one thing I feel really strongly about. People who try and influence you and your Fiance are… ridiculous. It’s about you guys, not them. I say PFFFFFT on them. My mom was INSISTANT that I spend the night at their house the night before the wedding – nope. I like my own bed, at my house, with my own stuff where I’m comfortable. Luckily, my now DH and my bridesmaids stood up with me and said no, she is staying at her house (regardless of what anybody says). lol. 🙂 Just ignore them and do what you want – you’ll be much happier that way.

My 2 cents 🙂

Bella

Post # 20
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My Future Mother-In-Law is absolutely losing her mind because we aren’t inviting her entire family to the rehearsal dinner. Yes, it would be lovely if we could include all family members, the wedding party, and even all Out of Town guests. However, just with members of the wedding party, our guest list totals 27 people. The additions, were we to invite my fiance’s entire family, would literally double our guest list, and we just can’t afford to pay for twice as many people. Mind you, Future Mother-In-Law isn’t contributing a single cent toward our wedding (and actually, we’re paying for a $150/night hotel room for my Future In-Laws for almost an entire week). But she still finds it totally acceptable to dictate how much money we should spend.

Post # 21
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ redherring – I hope she gets better at this… as long as you and Fiance stand firm on it, she’ll probably back down or at least keep her thoughts to herself more often.

 

Bon Chance,

Bella

Post # 22
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

@redherring… The tradition is that the groom’s family pays for that…so maybe you want to tell her to pay for the rehearsal dinner and she can invite all the family she wants to… 

Actually, I tend to be a pretty traditional person.  I think that many people view that a wedding isn’t just about two people.  It’s about two people, two sets of parents, two separate families, and two sets of friends becoming one couple (a new immediate family), (parents and parents in law with a distinctive change in their immediate family in a sense a gain and a loss at the same time, a bigger combined extended family, and friends of a couple instead of friends of the bride or groom…  Those changes begin at your marriage but the changes will continue and last the remainder of your life.    The way you treat your family and friends at this time is a reflection of your thoughtfulness.  If you exclude someone that they know has helped raise you because of a petty disagreement then they see the hurt of the other person.  If you choose to deny a faith that they see as vital to their and your life, then their reaction is because they can’t understand your reasoning…  (Example, the aunt may have been told that you picked a boat for a simple wedding… not because you don’t have a faith… so she can’t figure out how a boat is simpler than a church.)  The dress and the details may be about their vision of what a wedding looks like…but it may also be how they were raised about what is proper and fitting.  The name thing is something that some families feel is a big deal, and other families don’t care about… which is how each of us was brought up, and the compromise that is made at a marriage has meaning to each family.  Giving up a maiden name is fine because there is a long standing tradition of going by your husband’s name, but a new husband giving up his family name is offensive because there is no tradition to do so, and it is in essense a denial of his family.  Women’s family names are often passed down as middle names to keep it within the family…  If someone is bugging you about a tradition… you might take it that they just really love you!

Post # 23
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My sister had my mom walk her down the Isle.  She was the rock in our family the provider etc.  it was the logical choice.  While the relationship with our father is far from perfect it wasnt terrible but I promise you on the day of the wedding (as well as many other days) my father and his wife made it very clear how upset they were.  It was written all over their faces and in every picture they couldnt have looked more miserable.  I agree.  My wedding my rules.  Just doesnt happen to be reality in my case!

Post # 24
Member
3315 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ah, the joys of getting married at the age of 56–there is no one left in a position to tell you how you should run your own wedding!  We had everything from the world’s first portable popup chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) to a processional in which my wife and I walked together hand in hand.  And we didn’t get a single complaint.

Post # 25
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’ve gotten some flack over this kind of stuff, but not as much as I expected, to be honest.

I think the WHY behind all the disbelief, arguments, disappointment, etc. is that people approach your wedding with certain expectations of you, and when you don’t meet those expectations, it upsets them and they don’t know how to react.

Expectations are a very dangerous thing.

There were actually a few things that I’ve called people out on: “Is there a reason besides tradition or your preconceived unspoken expectation that ‘this is how it will be’ that you want us to do xyz? No? Okay, can you even tell me WHY this is a wedding tradition? No? Well, we disagree with the origins of this ‘tradition’ and therefore won’t be using it.” Shuts ’em up pretty quickly.

(I think my family knew better than to expect much ‘normal’ out of me though; I’ve always been pretty rebellious, hahaha…)

Post # 26
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i havent ancountered too much yet. i am having my mom walk me down the aisle. and needless to say my dad is not happy about that. but o well. he needs to get over it. also my mom could not understand why i want colored shoes haha! she thinks im crazy!

Post # 27
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Statutory Grape: tell me about it re:the religious pressure. My Future Mother-In-Law was so upset that we’re not getting married in a church. It took her over a year to accept (she was asking before we were engaged!), and she still wants a blessing in a church. We’re still trying to get her to understand that we don’t want a pastor officiating. I am not a dramatic person at all, but that was the one thing I would not budge on. It made for some very awkward conversations. 

Post # 28
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I dont know any triditions we are even doing but no one has really said anything to me/ us about it because they know how I would react. – I don’t care what you think of my wedding, thats why its mine and not yours 🙂

Post # 29
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Oh, I breaking rules left and right. My fiance has already seen me in the dress. No veil. Shoes with spikes and studs on them. No ceremony music. No centerpieces and on and on and on. My friend gave me the best advice: “most of the sh-t that people give you now will just sound funny in the months after the wedding. I’d write them down.”

Seriously–tell people that most wedding “traditions” aren’t really traditions–most of them were created in the 20th century and a lot of them in the latter half of the 20th century, some of them solely for the sake of making money. Brides have been wearing white for a fraction of the time that they’ve been wearing whatever color their Sunday best came in.

Post # 30
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@Statutory Grape:

you do exactly what YOU want , its your day you only do it once in your life so dont do things to keep others happy , one u and your husband to be want do it.

Post # 31
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Most of my funny looks when I talk about breaking traditions have come from my Fiance. We’re from a small town and he’s been to like 3 weddings around here, all of which were very traditional-beautiful, but traditional. So, when I mention walking down the aisle to something other than “Here Comes the Bride” or getting married anywhere other than a church (I still wanted our minister to be the officiant… and it’s not like I wanted the wedding to be in a gas station or something… just a nice outdoor ceremony) or a getaway car other than a limo… I’m met with lots of opposition. Having read WB for years, I’ve gotten so used to things like this, I guess I forgot that he hasn’t seen them.

Here’s a funny one: My Fiance and I were talking about what he and his groomsmen should wear. I mentioned that I thought a tan suit would look nice. He very adamantly informed me that he wanted a tux. I was SHOCKED, because this boy loves nothing more than a beer shirt and shorts when he’s not at work.
His reasoning? “Because that’s what the groom wears!”

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