Post # 1
First time poster, long time lurker(I <3 ring porn). I’ve decided to post because I see what a wonderful community you have here and I’m looking for some relationship advice.
I’ve been in a relationship for just shy of 5 years with a guy I met in high school. We are both about to turn 21, live at home(i lived in my college dorms for a bit but moved back to save money), and are full time students. The major issue in our relationship has always been his lack of desire to grow up.
I have been pushing him to get some sort of job, even giving him seasonal and part time listings, telling him who to contact so he could tutor at our old high school. He says he’s too stressed at school and it got to the point that he had the same $3 in his wallet for a month which killed my mood because I don’t want to both plan and pay for all our dates. I have serious health issues and have still managed to go to school full time and have an on campus job or volunteer work, so it’s hard for me to throw him a pity party, but I know he deserves some leeway because he does have to work hard for average grades. I finally told him that he needs to at least plan the dates if he isn’t Going to pay for them because right now I’m doing all of both. He did start to plan some dates and paid for one or two.
During the semesters we only see each other maybe once a week even though we live really close because our class schedules are totally opposite. I would totally study with him in the evenings but He just gets too distracted by me being there.
So I figured we both have about a month and half off and would spend a bunch of time together so I started to plan Starting around Thanksgiving of things we could do. One of which involved us taking a small vacation at my family’s cabin about an hour away. He said he would bring it up with his parents but just never did until I started to push it. After huffing and puffing he finally talked to them a month after I brought it up and they told him no because he doesn’t know how to drive in the mountains. He did not push back at all and I just kind of dropped that conversation. Instead I said that he should just spend the night at my house. It took him another 2 weeks to ask his parents. They were confused but said ok. I thought score! He can spend new years here! I brought it up and he flat out said no because he wanted to be with his parents. I was pissed and he finally gave up and said he wasn’t sure why he said that and that he would talk to his family. Surprise, his mother said no because she wanted to spend time with him(this woman does not work and sees him literally every day). He didn’t really care(obviously because he didn’t want to spend it with me in the first place). He finally agreed to spend the next night with me and it was very nice. We planned another night because it was now just 2 weeks before he goes back to school. He just now told me he doesn’t want to that day because he’s already seeing me at my house so much. I said ok come up with another day and he told me to just drop it. Somehow he thinks that seeing me for a total of 12 hours this week after I was gone for surgery all of last week is a lot of time together. He said i should go to his house more which the reason I don’t is because at my house we can be alone and at his house his mom is hovery. He said privacy is not that important to him when I told him why I prefer my house.
I do think he loves me but I don’t feel like he cares about growing up and advancing our relationship in the same way I do. He said he wants to marry me about a year ago, and to me you don’t grow up overnight and I’m looking for logical progression. I’m pretty hurt that he’s content seeing me twice a week even on break. I told him it was over and at first he was upset and then he was apologetic but I stood my ground. I just feel like it’s always been a growing up issue. It’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s starting to resent me for pushing him. At the beginning of our relationship he refused to learn how to drive for a long time, didn’t want to order his own food, etc. I know part of this is that his mom babies him, part of it is cultural(he was born and raised in the Philippines and only moved here right before we met), and part of it is just who he is. I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait for him to grow up and man up. I really want a future with him though.
I guess I just need some advice. Did I make the right decision? Am I being too impatient? Any getting over break up advice when you still love the person?
Post # 2
?!?! Uuuh, you’re 21!! HES 21 (so mentally 18 lol)…
WHY are you talking about marriage?!?? Your literal brains aren’t even done yet.
R E L A X . . .
Post # 3
Lol you made the right decision. He’s an immature little boy. Don’t question your decision and enjoy your life not having to mother your (ex)bf anymore. Enjoy your freedom!
Post # 4
Bee, you’ve basically been his second mother for 5 years. You are obviously w lot more mature and independent than he is – and he honestly doesn’t sound very invested in your relationship.
Honestly, you both met VERY young, and are still very young. You are both still maturing, him less quickly. This relationship has run its course.
im glad you ended it. It was the right thing to do. Take some time Being single and independent and learning what you actually now want and deserve in a partners when you’re ready go find yourself a nice mature caring man who puts you first always.
Post # 5
awholenewbee2019 : It was by no means a proposal. It was more of a casual “yeah one or two years after graduation(aka 3-4 years from now) I’d like to get married”.
butternutter : Thank you for your thoughtful response. Being a second mother is a good way to put it that I hadn’t come up with before. It’s going to take some time before it sinks in that it’s over. I feel bad I broke up with him just a week before his birthday but I couldn’t see myself putting on a smile much longer.
Post # 6
screaminmimi511 : don’t worry about that Bee, he has his first mother to console him for his birthday.. and sure he’ll have another one next year! But please, don’t go back on your decision. Honestly, it’s not worth your time.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2020 - Clarksville, VA
You don’t seem too upset about the breakup. And I mean that in a good way. When I ended things with an ex I worried I had done the wrong thing, but I also felt so much relief. It sounds like breaking up was for the best. You should be with someone that is thrilled to see you and can be their own person. At 21 he shouldn’t have to ask permission for every little thing. I’m sure things hurt right now, but in a few weeks you’ll realize how much better off you are!
Post # 8
You are dodging a huge bullet. It’s not even necessarily he is immature, to me it sounds like this is who he is as a person and that isn’t going to change when he gets older.
He is a mama’s boy and that isn’t going to change. He will continue to pick her over you. I don’t know any college age kids who need to ask their parents permission to go to a cabin or to stay over at someone’s house for a sleepover. That isn’t normal. He doesn’t even enjoy spending that much time with you and that isn’t going to change. He doesn’t seem that into the relationship and it’s best you cut your losses now. The one thing in your life that will help you have good relationships and less heartbreak is if you end relationships the second you realize they aren’t a good fit. Lots of people don’t have the strength to do that. Good for you for ending it. Find a guy who is normal. Who wants to spend lots of time with you, who is motivated in life to have a good job. A guy who plans dates, has normal parents who let him life his life. It will get better with time. You will get over him and look back and be glad you got out. Just focus on yourself and being the best you can be.
Post # 9
Your relationship sounded like a lot of hard work from your side, and at your age, it is normal for girls to grow up a little bit faster than guys. Your early twenties are a bit of a tricky age, because a lot of girls at this age are thinking about their future and starting to take on a lot more responsibility and become more independent. Dating guys your own age might be a bit frustrating because, for guys, this process seems to happen a bit later on… like more towards the late 20s. Sure some guys are ready to start being responsible and level-headed early on, but most aren’t. And those who are used to mom looking after them and babying them definitely aren’t. What’s more, it sounds as if he enjoys the babying. That is definitely not a good sign for a relationship.
A guy who is a good bet for a relationship has a lot more signs of independence and emotional availability. It sounds as if you were having to drive this relationship almost purely by your own efforts. That is not much fun. You are well within your rights to say you don’t feel like doing it any more, and you should not feel bad about the break up in any way.
Honestly from your post it sounded as if he was barely putting the effort in. You do not need to lose any sleep over a relationship like that.
Post # 10
You are too young and have too much ahead of you to waste your time parenting someone who isn’t your kid. Trust me when I say 31 you would be high-fiving you right now.
Post # 11
I find it so weird that he asked his parents for permission to sleep over. If his mum has this much authority over his life, what do you imagine it’ll be like in 3-4 years? If I had to guess, I’d say you’ll be back on these boards posting about how your Mother-In-Law has no boundaries and your husband always sides with her.
Post # 12
I guess it just doesn’t feel real right now. I don’t feel relieved and I’m not overwhelmed with sadness either. I feel Like I could still just go over there right now have a chat with him and make up(I’m not thinking of doing this now). I did break up with him once before about three years ago for the same reason of not growing up. It took about a week for him to think and really get his ass into gear and he was doing well Up until about 6 months ago.
While I totally agree that he’s far too old to have to ask permission for everything, I guess no major alarm bells were going off because I have several other friends the same age who have parents who will veto their plans and control in the same way. While it’s totally frustrating I haven’t been seeing it as completely out of the ordinary.
I was trying to convince myself that it would get better soon as he got older but I look at his sister who is two years older and she’s not even allowed to have her boyfriend in her room. So at least we got past that stage, but it doesn’t give me much hope for the figure.
I was really hoping for someone on this board to give me the “I went through the same thing and he will grow up” talk. I wanted so badly for this to work and all he kept saying at the end was if he could do anything to change my mind.
Thank you guys for all of the replies
Post # 13
screaminmimi511 : So my little brother was somewhat like your ex. When he was 21, it was actually more like he was 16. His maturity level was just not there yet. At all. My parents weren’t controlling of him at all, but regardless, he couldn’t function without them. He never lived on his own (and had no desire to). He didn’t pay any bills. The few girlfriends he had were very casual because he simply was not ready for adulthood or committment of any kind.
I’m happy to say that yes, he got better…but it took about 10 years. No joke. I love my brother dearly but he’ll be the first to admit that he simply wasn’t ready to adult for quite some time. He’s now 33 and has been in a successful (long distance) relationship for about 3 years (maybe 4?). But he just moved out of my parents’ house this past May. So he’s getting there. But very slowly. He’s working on becoming a responsible adult first (living alone, paying his own way) and then once he feels more settled, he’s started contemplating the next step with his girlfriend. Thankfully she seems to be in no hurry either so they’re somewhat perfect for each other.
My point is that maybe someday your ex will get it together. But that day is a long long loooooong way away. Added in the extra babying/controlling by his mother and it’ll probably take even longer! Go live your life! You made the right decision. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and will have wonderful future ahead of you.
Post # 14
screaminmimi511 : if he has to ask his mommy about a sleep over at your house, he shouldn’t be talking about marriage.
You guys are young, but even so – this dude sounds like he wont be ready to move away from mom anytime soon. I think you made a good choice.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2019 - Cortland, NY
I feel like 99% of men aren’t even worth dating until they’re like 23-24-25 anyway. Men are dumb. XD