(Closed) Breaking up an engagement ..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

Absolutely do not marry someone you don’t want to marry and cannot see yourself spending a happy future with. It is not your fault he’s in this situation, it’s his. There are legitimate ways to go about doing things, and this isn’t it.

This has nothing to do with you and it’s unfair of him to make it so.

Post # 4
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

For reasons I don’t want to get into publically I am a US citizen who knows a good deal about US immigration issues, please trust that at least a little bit when I offer my perspective.

Do not marry him. Do not. There are millions of people from 3rd world countries who are wonderful people who want to come to the US, or other 1st world countries. They will do anything to get here. There are millions who petition to come here legally and who use proper channels of citizenship or permanent residency to come. Some cannot, and that is a shame, but you cannot save all of them. I know how tough that is. I live in a 3rd world country and I work on international human rights issues. But marrying someone you do not love who has manipulated you is not the solution. 

Second, this person has lied to and manipulated YOU. He has lied to and manipulated our country and committed criminal offenses. He does not deserve to be here. There are millions of immigrants who DO deserve to be here (I am marrying the son of one) but he is not one of them. He does not deserve you.

If you feel deeply about the conditions of the country where this man is from, send money through a notable charity, lobby your congressmen to impact US policy towards that country, or volunteer to help refugees from that country. That will do a whole lot more good than marrying someone whom you do not love who treats you poorly and has committed several major mistakes in his life and concealed them from you.

Wish you all the best. 

Post # 7
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He is marrying you because “you are the ticket to this country.” That is not a reason to marry someone.

Do you really want to marry into a family who would “hate you” if you broke off the engagement because you do not love him? I wouldn’t. I would want to marry into a family who was overjoyed that their son found someone he loved and cherished, and would be sad if we broke up because it didn’t work out, not so he could live in the US. I don’t know if they are in the US or another country but if it’s the latter they are probably pinning their hopes on coming to the US through him. Like I said, I know am integrally connected to immigration to the US and a lot of families I encounter daily push their son/daughter to marry a US citizen so they can petition to come here as well. 

Things sound pretty bad for you now, and getting married is not going to improve them. You are not happy and things are only going to get worse. That is no way to start a marriage. 

It sound slike the only thing keeping you from breaking off the marriage is guilt that he would have to go back to his home country. It is not your responsibility to keep him here. You did not tell him to come here and overstay illegally. You did not create the conditions in his home country. It is not on you to “fix” the situation. There are many ways immigrants can move to a new country legally, above-board, without emotional manipulation of another person and legal manipulation of the law. There are a lot of problems in this world (including related to US immigration law and third world country problems) but they do not rest on your shoulders to fix. You cannot fix them. You can help via ways I mentioned in my previous post, but not through marrying someone. 

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

A friend of mine was actually in a similar situation.  His girlfriend pressured him to get married six months after they started dating because she needed a green card.  At first he agreed, against all the objections of his friends and family because they knew she wasn’t the right person for him…but it took a while for him to realize that for himself and break off the relationship. She was extremely angry at the time, but now he is married to a woman who is a much better match for him.  He realizes now how unhappy he actually was in the course of the other relationship and still says all the time how lucky he was to get out of that “engagement” before they got married.  Please don’t get married if you know he isn’t the right person for you — his green card is not your responsibility.  Why did he even lie to you about it in the first place?

Post # 10
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to tell him honestly that you felt pressured into ‘yes’, and remind him originally your answer was ‘no for a reason! Tell him it’s not working, and you care about him, but you can’t make such a huge sacrifice for someone who tried to bully you into a HUGE, life-changing decision for his own benefit!

 

It’s not really your fault if he gets deported. I have great sympathy for immigrants, that’s not what it’s about. He’s an adult. He’s made certain choices in his life that he has to live with. he needs to handle them on his own, not bully a 22 year old girl into solving his problems for him. This applies especially since it would be at your great expense!

 

You know you shouldn’t do it. You just have to muster up the courage to tell him.

Post # 12
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my friend once a boyfriend who would threaten suicide if she broke up with him and i feel your Fiance is trying to do the same thing – thats make you feel responsible for his life and thats not only unfair but its abusive

OF COURSE his friends are asking you to help him – they are his friends so they are fully aware you are being used for his end means

of course a good person doesnt wont to be responsible for sending someone back to a 3rd world country but its not your responsibility to save him – hes already made bad choices in the past, dont allow him to get away with manulipulating you, im guessing hes a bit of an expert at it

my friend above, thank god she did get away from that guy and the man she is now with is from Iraq and one of their rules was he gains citizenship on his own before they married – that way she/everyone will know that 1, he was welcomed to this country for the good person he is and 2, he didnt marry her to gain citizenship

Post # 15
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Nancy, your situation IS bad – i just wanted to point out that i feel your guy is no less abusive than someone that threatens suicide,  its about forcing you do something you do not want to do and being miserable/feel responsible for him

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