(Closed) Breaking up five year relationship over tattoo. ..

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 76
Member
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

Sorry to hear about the probable end to your relationship. 🙁

Yes, you have every right to do whatever to your body. Tattoos, peircings, etc. And he has every right to decide if that is a deal breaker for him (although I agree the silent treatment was childish).

If you guys do break up, it doesn’t make either of you “bad”. You just aren’t compatible. Don’t think of these past years as ‘wasted’. You’ve grown, and learned what you want and don’t want in a relationship. This will help you find someone more compatible in the future! Someone who will accept that you like tattoos, for example.

But if you stay together, you can overcome this. It really is all about communication and compromise.  My Fiance HATED my tattoos when we first started dating. He actually told me a few times that he never considered women before who had tattoos. He was honest, and basically told me it was likely a deal breaker. However, we still continued dating, and now will be married in October after nearly 7 years. He’s accepted that they are a part of me, but has made it clear he will never get one (never asked him to get one). Out of respect to him, I haven’t got another one since we’ve been together. I’m even getting one removed (my idea, not his..and he actually has mixed feelings about it). Does this mean I’ll never get another one? Nope. I’m not sure if I want anymore, but if I do, it will be discussed together.

Best of luck.

Post # 77
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

This isn’t about a tattoo. This is about the way your partner deals with conflict, and it’s not pretty. 

Your Fiance is punishing, withholding and now power tripping. Even if he comes around, I encourage you to ask yourself if you want to be given the silent treatment every time he doesn’t feel good about something. 

At best he’s immature and can’t communicate, at worst he’s a controlling and emotionally abusive partner who is just getting started. Some of these behaviors are listed as warning signs for possible physical abuse. 

 

Post # 78
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Ok so I haven’t read any of the comments on this thread or your last one other than your updates. I did however go back through your history to find the previous thread so I could read it, I ended up seeing another few posts that you had made about his emotional cheating with his now pregnant and married ex wife and that they have been communicating recently as well. Added to this whole tattoo situation (which from what I’ve read is emotional abuse) I think you need to reevaluate this relationship. Yes you would have lost five years with this guy like you said, but 5 years is better than 10. And I think you can do better. No one who loves you would treat you so horribly over getting a tattoo for a deceased loved one. 

Post # 79
Member
6901 posts
Busy Beekeeper

lcvalado :  I agree with PPs that this sounds as if it’s about a lot more than a tattoo. Your Fiance is too old at 34 to be exhibiting this immature behavior –giving you the silent treatment, pouting, refusing the food you cook?

Does he miss the impressionable teenage girl he started dating who likely did everything his way so much that he can’t fathom being in a relationship with someone who has their own ideas? 

Post # 80
Member
5132 posts
Bee Keeper

Being that its a memorial to a family member, I think he is being unreasonable. To break up over a tattoo seems extreme. I mean if you tattooed your face with something obscene, sure. But this is a memorial here. I am so sorry you are going through this. This is awful and heartbreaking. Not only did you lose a family member but now over this he is going to give you the silent treament.

I also have to say that I don’t like the silent treatment. I don’t care how mad someone is, the silent treatment is not acceptable! If you continue to be with him, I would go to couples counseling to deal with the silence. Silent treament as a way of communication is quite possibly a deal breaker for me at least.

Hugs. I’m so sorry.

 

Post # 81
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

 Oh my…my fiance doesnt care what I tattoo on my body, we discuss ideas with eachother but in the end its each of our decisions because its our OWN bodies. Im sorry hes being so immature.  Its your body, your choice, he really has no say in what you do with your body.  But by him lashing out on something that small, I have a feeling like another PP said, if you have a child with a disability or any other hurdles in your life he may not be supportive either.  

Post # 82
Member
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

Finally had  a chance to read some of the other threads.

I agree with other PP that say this isn’t about the tattoo at all. It’s just the latest ‘issue’.

I’d consider it a blessing to be moving on.

Post # 83
Member
3481 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Bee, you WILL look back on this thinking how blessed you were to get out before you married him. And I have 100% confidence in that.

Like I said on your previous thread, this man cannot communicate and he wants to punish you for going against his wishes. At first he was giving you the silent treatment to punish you, now he has gone on a full on power trip! 

Think of all the things he would have punished you for in the future. Think of how fucked up it is that he is punishing you for getting a tattoo so that you will never do anything that he doesn’t want you to again.

He is a jerk. He will punish you when you take a job he doesn’t want you to take, when you don’t want to buy the same house, when you have disagreements over what to name the dog or how to raise your children. He will continue to guilt you until he always gets his way, and you will look back on your life with so much regret.

Do not beg him to reconsider. As much pain as you are in right now, you will realize soon enough that the tattoo you got was the greatest move ever, because it was able to shine a light on who that man really is. 

Leave him. You are just as in charge of things as he is. Pack your bags and go. Cry your heart out, and do what you need to do. In a few months you will feel better. That’s a much better choice than a life time of heartache with a controlling, manipulative little jerk of a man.

Post # 84
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

Don’t give him the satisfaction of making the choice for the both of you – YOU make it for yourself! Don’t wait around while he decides what HE wants. You got a tattoo. Big deal. To the left, to the left……

Post # 85
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

lcvalado :  I hope he does decide it.  If this is the kind of person he is, then he has already wasted five years of your life.  I hope he doesn’t get to waste any more.  

Post # 86
Member
2592 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry you’re hurting.  

As other posters have suggested, I don’t think this is about the tattoo. I think he’s using the tattoo as justification. 

Post # 87
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

lcvalado :  I hate tattoos, especially memorial ones.  I think they are as primitive as cave man drawings.  When I was single, tattoos were a deal breaker.  Any men who ever dated me knew where I stood on the issue after just a few dates.  I never dated a guy with a tattoo or any potential intentions of getting a tattoo.  In light of how vocal I have been on the matter, if my husband were to get a tattoo, I’d take it as an act of war against our marriage.

That is not what is going on in your situation.  It sounds like your fiancé emotionally exited the relationship a long time ago.  He is abusing and manipulating you into feeling like the bad guy.  Be thankful that you will soon be rid of this coward.  You will find a man who will love you for who you are.

Post # 88
Member
12621 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I read some of your old posts. Interestingly, Fiance just had an out of the blue contact from a pregnant ex Girlfriend who seemed to want something from him at this time.  Even more significant, this is the very same ex Girlfriend with whom he cheated two years into your relationship and who was responsible for ongoing issues of insecurity and jealous feelings on your end.

Coincidental timing? I think not. 

In more ways than one, I think you are much better off without this guy. 

Post # 89
Member
2245 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s simple, OP: he’s not a suitable spouse for you, and you’re not a suitable spouse for him. 

Yes, it’s a shocking and all that, but it’s time to move on. 

Just move on. 

Post # 90
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m sorry you have to go through this. 🙁 but like many other’s have said, you may be dodging a bullet with this one. A tattoo does not change the person you are on the inside. If he’s breaking up with you over this, what if you got into an accident and it ended up with some kind of skin disfigurement. Is he going to leave because of that too? If he loves you then he would accept you and the choices you make. 

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