(Closed) Breaking up for a few months with my long term partner

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry bee. This sounds like the typical guy move of wanting to break up without actually officially breaking up, so that he can be with other women, then have you waiting in the background when and if he decides he wants to come back to you. Potentially he already has a woman/women in mind. It sounds like it’s been a tough year for you guys, but it’s rather telling that you went back to your home country and he decided to stay (knowing full well that during the pandemic it’s hard to get flights or get into countries. I live in Australia and your chance as a non-national of getting back in is basically zero). That sounds like a decsision made as individuals not as a couple. How old are you? If you’re young (ie. you’re 21 and this is your first boyfriend) then potentially a break and reevaluation is a good thing, keeping in mind that a break is actually really a breakup. I personally don’t really believe in breaks and I would do a clean breakup instead, but I know some folks seem to make it work. Hugs. xo 

Post # 4
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

He maybe wants a one-night stand which would only be sex and nothing more. Uh huh.

Just one one-night stand or a series of one-night stands when his sex urges are killing him? (No one dies of no sex. His urges aren’t killing him.)

Is he going to hire prostitutes or does he have a previously-unknown source of women who have no feelings about having sex? Or is he going to have sex without feeling and to hell with his partners and their possible feelings?

If he has no feelings about the woman or women involved in these one-night stands, why not save all the bother of finding a willing woman and just masturbate? The release is the same, and he swears he has no feelings about any of it, right?

He’s kidding himself. Or he’s trying to kid you.

I’m not saying there can’t be sex if you’re on a break (wouldn’t agree to it myself, but I wouldn’t agree to the break, either). I’m saying I don’t believe any of his rationalizations about this.

Why can’t he say, “If we’re taking a break, I want to have sex with other women”? Because he’s trying to come up with an emotion-less version that you will agree to because of his pending death from sexlessness, his hands being tied behind his back….

I call bullshit.

Post # 6
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
@katiejane20:  Ultimately, you can’t give him permission to have sex with other women.  He’s a grown adult and he will make his choices.  The question is can you live with those choices cause honestly it sounds like he’s gonna go there whether you like it or not.

My gut tells me it looks like he’s trying to manipulate a complete breakup by getting you to agree to a “short breakup” (this is BS btw, nobody does this) and things he knows you’re completely against and will eventually have a problem with.  Sooo he gets to walk away without being the bad guy because “You agreed to it so why do you have a problem with it?”  It really sounds like he’s already got one foot out of the door by asking for your permission to basically cheat.

Time for a reassessment of your relationship bee.  What is working for you, what isn’t?  Are you willing to face a few truths?

 Edit:  Just wanted to add in the most non-snarky way possible “sometimes love just ain’t enough”.

Post # 7
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@katiejane20:  This guy claims he loves you and wants to be with you, and yet he is willing to jeopardize his relationship with you for the possibility of having a one night stand (including all of the potential complications), because he can’t tolerate a few months of celibacy. That’s how much he values the relationship. Moreover, he’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you by saying that “loads of couples break up and be with others in the time apart” (not true) and that he won’t hold anything you do during the time apart against you (the implication being you should return the favor).

Post # 9
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

You sound really delusional. Sorry to be so blunt. But no man who really loves you and intended to be back with you and marry you in 4-6 months would even think of having a one night stand let alone saying it out loud to your face. But I mean are you ok with that? You seem to be talking yourself into being ok with this.

Post # 11
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

He sounds like a con artist, to tell you the truth. Lots of people are separated, sometimes for years (think of WWII, for example), and remain faithful and don’t die. The more you quote what he says, the less I like him. 

If he wants to break up while you’re separated, you don’t really have a vote. I’m sorry.

But you do not have to get back together with him when he’s ready and it’s convenient for him. And, if you do get back together, be sure he’s tested for stds.

Personally, I would never forget what someone did while “on a break” (which is one reason I’d never go “on a break” in a relationship), but you and he may be people who can forget that kind of thing. Problem is, you may not know how you feel about it until it happens. He has allegedly unfeeling sex with various women while you are broken up (allegedly temporarily)–how do you feel about that?

It also sounds as though you and he want to live in different places, living different kinds of lives. This is really hard, because how do you compromise that? Love is powerful, but it isn’t all-powerful.

Post # 13
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

I know you love him…but this situation doesn’t sound good.

There’s no reason why you all couldn’t be in a long distance relationship for a few months. I was in one for a year and now we’re married. We didn’t have sex with other people just because we were long distance. Honestly, it sounds like he wants to see other people while keeping you in the wings for when he wants to settle down. 

The true test of a relationship is seeing what happens when things get tough. And you’re seeing it now. Seems like he can’t handle you at your worst (depressed, uninterested in sex, etc). So how do you think your marriage would fare? 

Post # 15
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee

 

View original reply
@katiejane20:  Also, what does he plan to do if you stay together and have children? Is he going to insist on one night stands when you are pregnant or recovering? Will he insist that it’s normal? (It’s not.)

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