(Closed) Breaking up is hard to do (after 8 years)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I stay or should I go
    Stay! its for the kids : (15 votes)
    19 %
    Leave! the kids will understand : (17 votes)
    22 %
    separate and try to work it out : (24 votes)
    31 %
    I don't know enough to make an educated decision. : (21 votes)
    27 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1084 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Have you thought about couples counselling?

    I would hold off on getting married, but if you still love her I think speaking to a professional is worth a shot.

    If she isn’t interested in that, and you have exhausted all other avenues, it might be time to move on.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1084 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @hoplesslylost:  How do you think your SO would feel if she knew you wanted to leave? Do you believe she is happy in the relationship?

    Post # 6
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Before you leave, go to couples counseling. For at least six months, once every week or two. Discuss whether visiting a sex therapist would be beneficial as well. I see nothing in your post that indicates the relationship can not be saved with work – but she needs to want to work. If she does not want to go to counseling, lay it all on the line and tell her that, at this point, it is counseling or a break up. You will have your answer. I hope you find happiness and a strong relationship, whether in this one or the next.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2122 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

    You sound like an amazing man, I wish my guy did such romantic gestures!!! Your partner has had two pregnancies and although I have no experience, some women don’t feel beautiful anymore (no matter what their partner says) and this can affect their imtimite or emotional behaviour with their partner.

     

    I also suggest couple’s counselling. I think your relationship can be saved with some help, but if she isn’t willing to change permanently, you may need to leave in the future.

     

    As for worrying about ‘staying for the kids’, I’ve always thought that was a load of rubbish. I’ve heard many stories of people growing up in unhappy households with their parents fighting or even being violent. How is that putting their best interests first?

    Post # 8
    Member
    9673 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    Couples counselling, definitely! And stay, not for the kids, that’s bull, but for the two of you. And work together on your communication skills.

    Post # 9
    Member
    7673 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @hoplesslylost:  If she says she loves you, then I would not give up.

    It’s common (well, to be precise, it happened with me) to feel unattractive after having kids. I have sometimes shrugged off the “you’re beautiful” comments when I don’t feel it.

    Having kids certainly makes communication harder. To you often get them babysat? Do you have “date nights”?

    I think with (perhaps) counselling and (certainly) the two of you working harder at it, your marriage has a good chance.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7673 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @paula1248:  Oh one more thing. I really don’t think it’s a good idea discussing your relationship with your “best female friend” if she’s single. You may say you have no interest in dating her, but (a) can you be certain she feels the same way, and (b) I’ve seen initially platonic relationships develop into something more. If you must vent, find a male friend, or a married couple, or a relative.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1005 posts
    Bumble bee

    I also would definitely suggest seeing a couples therapist.  Don’t just go to a therapist who happens to be able to talk to two people at once; specifically go to one who is an LMFT (Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist) in addition to their other certifications.  Couples therapy is very different from one-on-one counseling, and requires special training.  My partner and I are currently in the process of selecting a therapist ourselves, and while both of us are also very reluctant to seek counseling of any kind, we also acknowledge that this is probably the best way to work out the issues that we’re having in our relationship.  My parents have been going to couples therapy for the past year or so, and it has improved their marriage immensely (28 years, and stronger than it has ever been – when a year ago both of them were considering divorce).

    Post # 16
    Member
    855 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree with counselling for you both as a way for you both to determine if you can really carry on. Hopefully if the counselling doesn’t work, you can both agree together that this isn’t going to work anymore.

    But I also think it would be helpful is some bees whose parents split when they were kids shared their stories.

    Leaving her doesn’t seem to be what’s worrying you – it’s leaving the kids. And first of all, the fact that you are worried about hurting them is a sign that you are a GREAT father.

    Not all children suffer when parents break up, if both parents are mature, responsible, and put the children first. Kids will no doubt be affected in a negative way if they are surrounded by a lot of shouting and/or have a parent who doesn’t make an effort to see them once they have left.

    I’m sure it would help you feel a lot better if you hear from some of the girls who have been through parents splitting. You could learn from how they made mistakes, but also maybe get some reassurance from the ones who haven’t been negatively affected by it?

    Good on you for coming here, though. You do sound like an amazing dad.

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