Breaking up is hard to do…

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9100 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

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@beachybee1993:  How long have you been together, and do you run in the same circles so you’ll still be seeing him around, or will it be a clean break and he’s out of your life for good?

Post # 4
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

I would just say something like you said here.   

” I’ve had time to think lately and I just wanted to let you know that I think your nice and sweet ect and I really respect you and I have enjoyed our time spent together.  I have realized though lately that you deserve somebody who can commit to you fully. I’m just no longer that person. I wish you the best. Is there anything you would like to say to me?” 

then let him answer.  Then respond accordingly. But try to remain calm and caring. This for sure will come as a shock and people react with secondary emotions (usually anger) when they are feeling overwhelmed.

it wouldn’t hurt to allow some closer for him in the coming days. And I would say that.  ” you don’t have to say anything right now unless you would like too, and I’m here in the next few days should you decide you want to communicate or if you need to say something” 

Or a version of that. 

Post # 5
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Just tell him you don’t feel it’s working out.  He’ll ask why and be as truthful as possible without being mean about it.

Post # 6
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@beachybee1993:  

Break up in person, not over the phone or by text, particularly if he is a good person who has treated you well.

Maybe set aside a certain amount of time, like half an hour, that you will give to explain that you want to break up, why, what you want (to be friends) and to give him a chance to ask questions. When that time is up, bring the conversation to an end and extricate yourself/leave. I say this because I have twice broken up with guys who were very sweet and nice to me but just not right for me, and both of them dragged the break up conversation out for hours, crying and asking what they could do, and me feeling terrible and consoling them. It really didn’t do either of us any good and just prolonged the hurt unnecessarily.

As to what you can say, just be kind and direct. 

“I think you’re a wonderful person, but I just don’t feel we are compatible. (You can list the reasons if you want.) I care for you and I’ve enjoyed our time together, but we both need to find the person who is right for you. If you’re open to it and willing, I would love to be friends.”

 

Post # 7
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

Ugh it’s so hard when you actually LIKE a person, but just know it’s not working out. 

I think the PPs here have give you some solid advice. Do it in person. Be honest. Give him a chance to respond (be prepared for him to be hurt or confused or angry, and realize it’s only fair for you to recieve those feelings without defending yourself). 

It sounds like he deserves your honesty and a face-to-face. 

PERSONALLY, I’d avoid the “can we still be friends” question. It’s so insulting to be given that line when your feelings are hurt (even if the intentions are pure… it still feels like the person thinks they are throwing you a bone… as in “I know your feelings are hurt but you can still have me in your life in SOME way”). I’d leave it as “I’d love to continue to have a friendship with you, but I understand if that’s impossible. If or when you feel ready to be friends, I’m here.”

Leave the ball in his court and don’t be the one who makes the first move to continue the friendship. That’s confusing to him. 

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