(Closed) Breaking up the engagement – nightmare

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MiniHeart:  I think every single one of us who has ever ended a relationship has heard these words – “you never loved me, you gave up on us, how could you do this to me, you’re a cold selfish person!” It’s normal for him to feel hurt and rejected and angry at you. Believe me, I’m sure he understands why – you sound very articulate in both threads. But he isn’t just going to agree.

Most importantly, you weren’t happy, the relationship wasn’t working out, you were doing all the work, and you spent a long time trying to fix it while he did absolutely nothing on his end except play video games. He pretty much took advantage of you financially – clearly when he said “we’ll figure it out” about money matters, he meant YOU would figure it out. He made no steps to show you that he was serious about making a change in his life. Even now, he is telling you that you’re breaking his heart – but is he promising you that he will find a job and help support your family? Doesn’t sound like it.

Speaking from experience, you are not doing him any favors by continuing to talk to him – every time you answer the phone/reply, he gets false hope that he can somehow convince you to come back. Stop taking his calls and responding to his emails. I know it feels terrible, but he isn’t suddenly going to agree that breaking up was a good idea. It isn’t – for him! But you deserve happiness and an equal partner, not one you will have to care for and support while he plays games. Good luck!

 

Post # 19
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MiniHeart:  He isn’t ready for that. He’s still trying to guilt you and blackmail you into changing your mind. He needs to move past that point for you to be able to discuss anything further with him for closure. It really sucks 🙁 I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there many times myself so the only thing I can say is that it does get easier!

Post # 20
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee

If you must, then have one final conversation. 

Do it at a public place so that good manners are more likely to be observed and there is less of a chance for any yelling or decompensation.  I’d go first and say what I had to say and then let him have the last word… just understand that he will not leave agreeing with you.  Don’t allow it to go on for hours and hours.  ETA:  Don’t argue or try to change his mind, just say this is a final decision and you are not going to see things the same way. 

Tell him that in order to make a break, you will no longer respond to any attempt at communication.  Then leave. Even better, have a friend come and ‘rescue’ you at some certain time. 

 

Post # 21
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MiniHeart:  It’s likely that he’s going to eventually escalate to nasty (it sounds like he’s already there, really) as he realizes he’s not winning you back. You can’t control that, you can only control whether there is a “between you” for him to be nasty in. 

I would pack up his things that you have and send him a short and to-the-point email saying that you have his stuff and would like to mail or exchange it, and can you arrange to leave it at location X for him, or have a mutual friend do the trade off. If he won’t agree to that, take a friend or family member with you when you go to his house to pick up your things. And frankly, if what he has of yours isn’t anything valuable, I would consider just writing it off. 

I once gave up on recovering a high-end motorcycle helmet worth a couple hundred bucks to avoid re-engaging with an ex, and it was 110% worth it.

As far as “how to tell it to your friends”… that doesn’t take an agreement between you. Just be honest but discreet and civil. Don’t air dirty laundry or badmouth him to anyone but your closest confidantes, and accept that it’s likely that even if he agrees to a certain version of things during negotiations, when he realizes you’re really gone, he may go back on it and lash out, badmouth, or lie about you. That’s one of the reasons why a period of separation is vital to everybody’s health and sanity. The only defense against this is you being calm, honest, and civil. When one person is being pleasant and rational about a breakup and the other is ranting at every opportunity to their mutual friends… everybody knows what’s really up, even if they may smile and nod to pacify him. 

 

Good luck, my dear. This part is rough, but it will get better soon.

Post # 22
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t let him manipulate you – that’s what he’s trying to do. Don’t listen to him when he tells you that you threw his love away, etc. He’s TRYING to make you feel guilty. He’s doing it on purpose. Don’t let it get to you. Remember that you’re doing what’s best for you – and it’s best for him, too, though he can’t see it right now. 

Post # 23
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee

@MiniHeart:  Don’t let him do that to you!

It is a classic “guilt-trip”. I got the same thing when i broke up my with my loser ex (no job, no motivation, bad habbits, incidents with girls… did you date him after me!?) and he did the exact same thing when i finally had the courage to leave. He tried to make it seem like it was all my fault  – i gave up, i didn’t love him like i said i did, i led him on, i was seeing someone else etc. When that didn’t work he started attacking me personally – I was crazy, would never find someone like him, i was “too much drama” etc. etc.

He may never accept that the break up was because of his actions. Hopefully he will and get his shit together (for his sake). But you have to understand he lives in his own little world. Please ignore him. This rollercoaster will continue as long as you keep talking to him. He will go from being really sweet and trying to win you over to being bitter and cruel when you don’t. The best thing is to just move on. Leave him in the past where he belongs and concentrate on yourself. You will find a great man!

Post # 24
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MiniHeart:  You made a wise, strong choice, and your pain will heal with time. Just imagine if you had to spend your entire life watching a grown ass man sit around playing video games all day. He is blaming you because you were the strong one who knew when it was time to go, and because he probably feels bad about being a terrible Fiance and is projecting it onto you. I would honestly just cut off contact with him if all he can say is rude things to you.

Post # 25
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

You don’t owe him any further explanation. The best thing you can do for him, and for yourself, is to make a clean break. Cease communication with him. Exes don’t help each other through breakups. Just say you can no longer discuss this and you need to stop contacting each other because it’s hard to move forward. And then do it. Don’t waver on it – be resolute. It’s best for both of you.

Post # 26
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

@MiniHeart:  I’ve broken off 1 engagement and 1 long term relationship.  I got over the engagement faster because I did 1 thing.  I broke it off and we never talked again.  It was very difficult at the time, but I was over it completely after 2 months instead of the 6 month ordeal like my previous long term relationship.

 

It’s not easy, and I know how you feel, but you need to close the book and move forward.

 

Post # 27
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MiniHeart:  stop communicating with him.  he is trying to manipulate you.  it’s simple, he has not yet accepted the breakup.  you need to give him time to do this. 

he will never find closure if you continue to talk/email him.   in turn, you will never find closure.

Post # 28
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MiniHeart:  Ugh, he’s acting just like my ex did when I broke up with him.  I get it’s a grieving process but do they really think, “Oooh maybe if I project all my unhappiness, guilt and sadness onto her she’ll take me back!”  Ridiculous.  I had warned my ex for MONTHS that if he contiued the behaviors that we had talked about (flipping out over the smallest thing, cursing and yelling when fighting, threatening to break up with me whenever he didn’t get exactly what he wanted, and telling me how stupid I was all the time) then it would be over.  I tried to see if we could just take a break but apparently “[he] don’t do that shit.”  Can’t believe that he was actually suprised when I broke up with him… and then he tries to compromise and say that we’re on a break.  Whatever.  He went back and forth between “I can’t believe you would do this to me, you’re so selfish” and “You mean the world to me” and like you, I tried to be nice.  I didn’t want him to feel like I did when my first love broke up with me; like you I wanted him to understand why I broke up with him.  I wanted to give him answers and closure.  That got old way quick.  I couldn’t move on while I was letting him cry on my shoulder (figuritively).  I warned him that I needed space, that I would really appreciate it if he would stop contacting me.  Ironically he kept sending me long messages that always started with, “I understand that you need space and I’m giving that to you, but I just want you to know that….”.  When I actually stopped answering him he freaked out.  He would not leave me alone for about 5 months, and I never responded to a single message after I had told him I wouldn’t.  He finally stopped contacting me when he found out I had a boyfriend, of course he had to send me a bunch of scathingly mean messages about that, though.

Sorry this got so long, basically I’m just trying to say that talking to him will not help anything.  He’s not helping himself and he’s just going to keep you from healing as well.  At this point in time you have to focus solely on yourself.  He won’t heal either, if you keep talking to him.  Block him from everything he could use to contact you.

 

Good luck

Post # 29
Member
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 You’ve got to stop talking to him. Even if we give him the benefit I’d the doubt and say that he’s not acting like this specifically to hurt you, you are causing him pain every time you respond to an email or answer the phone. Every email, every answer gives him the thought of ‘she changed her mind’. No matter how much of a jerk he’s being, no one deserves that. You’re just twisting the knife by trying to be nice. The truly kind thing to do is cut all contact.

Post # 30
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MiniHeart:  he’s trying to make you hurt like he hurts and making you feel guilty so you’ll take him back. I hope you don’t!

Post # 31
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MiniHeart:  stop picking up the phone. I was in the same position as you. He won’t start moving on until you break contact. Otherwise he thinks there’s a chance. I totally get the guilt as the dumper but he’s not innocent in all this. I let my big breakup (together for 6 years) go on  too long because I wanted to be there for him. But I couldn’t. It took two years of not talking at all but we’re really close friends now.

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