(Closed) Breaking up with a friend

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

emeraldbee :  If you took the time out of you’re day to write this post, you know that it’s probably best to end this friendship; but you wanted advice. I was never big on close friendships, but my Darling Husband was. He had a best friend that he would do anything for. After he met me this friend became jealous of the relationship because he felt as if I was changing Darling Husband and keeping him from him. In all actuality it was that Darling Husband was growing up and had a different outlook on life. He was a horrible friend to my husband, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he kept the friendship. Over time I watched it get worse and worse, it went from him being sarcastic and saying things and apologizing after, to saying things and ignoring the fact he said anything and thinking we would just accept it. People who no longer see you as a friend but someone they have there will forever treat you horribly. He was at our wedding as a best man, and he left early and told my Darling Husband “I wish I was never there.” that hurt.

My advice to you? If you’re unhappy….leave the friendship. It’s not doing you any good holding onto what once was a friendship with a now horrible and mean person.

Post # 3
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It might be time to put some distance between you. I used to have a friend that would go off the handle sort of speak at least once a year. She’d accuse me of all sorts of things out of the blue and tell me I’m a bad friend only to come back around in a few weeks (or sometimes months) and act like nothing ever happened. After I a while, and a latest blow out, I came to realize that I would never accept such treatment from a man, so why take it from a woman? Sometimes, people aren’t good for us and sometimes, they’re not even good for themselves, but there’s nothing you can do but walk away. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it or think she needs it, so just walk. Far.

Post # 4
Hostess
3892 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

emeraldbee :  I broke up with my best friend of 15 years shortly before I got engaged and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  It was definitely hard because we would talk daily and we had had really good times, but her presence in my life was so toxic and awful that it was affecting every aspect of my life (grad school, the ability to sleep, my other relationships, etc.).  It has been such a relief to not have to deal with that negative energy throughout the wedding process (my former friend has BPD and fired her therapists who tried to help). 

Are there moments where I’m sad because we’d talked about being each other’s MOHs and she’s not there?  Absolutely.  But most of the time, 99.9999999%, I’m relieved that she’s not in my life any more.  You sould like you’re miserable and at the point where you’re ready to make a clean break.  It’s ok to move on from a friendship; you have to do what’s best for you.

Post # 5
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’ve only had one friend break-up (vs. other friendships that just died out over time), and it was ROUGH. But I don’t regret it. I know my life is better without her in it, and I’m glad to be done with the drama and passive-aggressiveness and everything.

And yet I still think about her more than I should, just over a year later. I sometimes look her up on LinkedIn or Yelp to see what she’s been doing lately. I sometimes even miss her.

But I have absolutely no desire to rekindle the friendship, and the emotions fade with time. As long as you’re satisfied that you’ve made the right decision, it will get better.

Post # 6
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

I agree that it is for the best that you end things with her. However, if you ar really concerned maybe you could let her know -in a kind way, like writing her a letter- about how hurt you are with the way she has treated your frienship and suggest her to find help (by counseling or therapy). Maybe she would take your advice.

Post # 7
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

emeraldbee :  I could have written this post and I completely understand. Once I met SO, I had similar issues with three of my close friends. I am also a caring, attentive friend, however, SO and I did decide to move in together and I had to take extra time to devote to the move and nurturing our relationship. I still called, texted and invited my friends out, but it seemed that nothing I was doing was good enough. For example, one friend called me three times in a row while I was getting ready for work. I was rushing as not to miss my bus so I called her back about 20 min. later when I got on the bus. She basically chastised me about why I didn’t answer her call. Mind you, she was just calling to ask me a work question. It was not an emergency. I would wake up to rude and condescending text messages and it got to the point with her that I had to end the friendship completely. I would think that she would be able to be happy for me, but her own problems and demands for my attention & time were getting in the way of her being a good friend to me. I just couldn’t put up with the rude, bombarding insults anymore. She even called my job once to “call me out” on not being a good friend anymore and noted how I don’t answer her calls right away etc. I just informed her that she is not my Mom and I don’t have to report to her, nor does she have to “call me out” on anything.

My other two friends, I was able to have a productive conversation and come to resolution. I’m disappointed that we couldn’t retain the friendship. There was one other friendship that officially ended after I declined an invitation to her wedding. She hadn’t spoken to me in over a year (we live in the same city) and I had no clue she was even engaged or what was going on in her life. She asked me to attend her wedding via FB a month before the wedding, which I found to be incredibly impersonal. I honestly wish that it could have worked out with these two (especially my college friend, I thought we’d be in each other’s lives forever), but people move on for different reasons. I let it go and I make conscious effort to nurture my current friendships. If someone is not being reasonable with you, you have to have your boundaries also.

Post # 8
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I also broke up with my friend around Christmas time. It was eating me alive for few months after the break up and I was grieving and all that but now I am incredibly happy.

Post # 10
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

I don’t have much advice but I have let go of several friendships in the past year surrounding my wedding. Some people are just not worth it, and while I have fewer people I consider friends, the friends I do have are meaningful and fulfilling, and are people who build me up, and likewise. Cutting out the negative people in my life gave me more time and energy to devote to those friendships that I actually did care about. Life is too short and busy to spend time worrying and wasting on people who tear you down, live with incompatible values, are toxic/negative, etc.

Post # 11
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

emeraldbee :  It’s hard sometimes for people to be happy for others. If they see that someone has something that they don’t and want, or if they have a void, or problems, it might be hard for them to put it aside in order to celebrate another person’s joy. Even though, I haven’t always been in a great relationship or had certain things, I always went to all the baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, brought gifts and had fun. I never transferred my personal voids or problems onto my friends. In an ideal world people could just be happy for others, but it just doesn’t work out that way unfortunately.

Post # 12
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Good for you for cutting ties before you got too deep into wedding planning. I wish I’d done that with one of my friends. Big life events really show people’s true colors.

I believe that my friend also has a personality disorder, so I can relate to how difficult communication can be with someone like that. I had to accept that she may never see things the same way I do, and though she might be in pain, it’s not my job to fix her, or to give and give and give at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. Right now she’s not speaking to me, and I’m not sure what state she’ll be in at my wedding, or if she’ll even come in the end. I really wish I had done the hard thing at the beginning and never involved her in my wedding at all.

Post # 13
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

I can’t blame you for wanting to leave her out of things that you want to enjoy since it sounds like she’s likely to ruin things.

But has she had a physical recently? I’m no medical expert, but this is the kind of behavior I got from 2 relatives of mine over the years, it got worse and worse,  and in both cases they had strokes. Not saying it’s your responsitibilty to see to her medical care, but does she have someone that can keep this in mind in case this behavior is a sign of a problem? Just being cautious I guess.  Maybe she’s just this way, but your description of her behavior sounds pretty familiar to some things I ran into.

Post # 15
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Sometimes breaking up with a friend is as hurtful as ending a long term relationship. 

I have broken up with friends who were users as well as friends who were arrogant and rude. The only time I get upset when friends are doing well is if they take shots at me for not having what they do. Other than that, I’m always happy for friends when they experience happiness. 

It still hurt but I know that I made smart decisions in the end. 

You sound like a loving person and you don’t need people like that in your life. The pain will fade. 

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