Breaking up with Narc/emotionally abusive partner

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Does it matter? Serious question.

You own your own home, you aren’t legally tied, he’s abusive. Break up with him in a public place, leave, block his number and lock your house. Done. 

Post # 3
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
2020bee :  good for you for figuring out what you need.  As far as the breakup, why do you need to convince him?  Can’t you just say “I’m breaking up with you” and leave?  If needed plan to have another person come over with you to get your things.  

I don’t know your back story and if you think he could be violent that takes much more preparation (and you should mention that because I’m sure you’ll get a lot of good advice).  

Break up, block his number and email so he can’t contact you. Change your locks if he has a key.

Post # 4
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
KittyYogi :  this 100%. You owe him NOTHING. If he gets upset or doesnt understand – thats his problem. Break up and BLOCK HIM.

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I went through this with my ex in 2015. My only advice is after you break up with him, block ALL ties to him. Anyone, anything. He WILL try to get in touch with you from time-to-time. My ex still emailed me up through 2018 when I was already married to my husband. 

Post # 8
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If you truly do have an understanding of how abusers work then you know that leaving an abusive relationship is a very dangerous time.  You need that support system to be aware of and on board with your plan to end the relationship. 

If you have access to his place when he’s not there, plan a time when you can get the rest if your things.  If you cant get in when he’s not home then continue to remove your belongings at least to the point that anything left is easily replaced.

Once you’ve cleaned out, I would simply send him a message that you are done.  I feel less info is better here.  No need to enumerate the reasons. That only opens the door to discussion and debate and its better to not invite dialog with him. 

Be prepared for a volitile response.  Have someone with you when you send the message, or go to another location, so you’re not alone in your house if he comes storming over.

Just be thoughtful and careful.  Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Post # 9
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
2020bee :  I strongly feel that your attempt to convince him is based on him likely gaslighting you in the past.  I don’t think you realize that your desire to convince him is coming from an irrational place based on your relationship history. The longer you spend on conversation trying to break up, the poorer this will go.  That’s why a very concise and very clear “I’m breaking up with you, don’t contact me or come to my house” is necessary in these situations.  If he asks why or any reply opposing a breakup does not need a response. You don’t have to justify your decision and you don’t owe him anything.  It’s not your responsibility to convince him that this is a good idea.  If he contacts you after the breakup, I would tell him you will call the authorities (and follow up on that threat if he does). 

Post # 11
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

I went through this with my divorce. Like other bees have said. Break up, leave cut all ties, block him and change your locks. 

Post # 13
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
2020bee :  you do not owe him shit.  Lather, rinse, repeat!

Post # 14
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee

I went through this situation, but was married and I owned the home, so I couldn’t just leave.  

If I were you, I would get your stuff out and then call him up and tell him that you are ending it.  He’s going to continue to try to convince you otherwise and will gaslight you and make you feel like you are making the worst decision of your life.  But I promise you that you are not.  Block him/ignore any pleading calls to talk.  Separate yourself from the situation.

I am actually very ashamed of what i had to do in order to convince my narc exH that I was actually ending the marriage and wanted a divorce.  It was scary because of his temper, but in the end, once you show your dominance, they crumble.  They use power and manipulation to control you, but once you get out of that control, they become so weak.

Post # 15
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
2020bee :  I’m working through this with my therapist but for some reason I feel bad and guilty for breaking up. And I feel even worse (like a coward), breaking up over text! I feel like I at least owe him a proper in person breakup. 

Why do you owe him?  Did he do wonderful things for you? Show you neverending loyalty?  Made you feel especially loved???  Think about where these feelings come from.   I need you to realize your feelings, while normal for your situation, is a direct result of conditioning.   If you truly believe he’s a narc then you should realize that guilt & manipulation are his weapons of choice and that you are his consistent narc supply and he’s not going to let you go without a fight.  So let go of the ideas of convincing him or that he’ll get the message and leave you alone……that will not work with a narc and especially with the drinking and aggressive behavior he’s shown toward others…..you do not know how he will react. YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN!

You need to treat this as a dangerous situation bee and take precautions.  Everyone needs to know of your plan (because he WILL try to get to those close to you) They also need to know exactly why you’re leaving….100% of everything.  If he could manipulate you, he can certainly manipulate friends and family members…..so give them the ammunition to stand up to those attempts.

Understand….the flying monkeys will be coming…..be prepared.

Most of all, you owe more to YOURSELF than you ever will to him.  Think…..would he do the same for you???

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors