- 6 months ago
Im needing a little help here. My live-in boyfriend and I are approaching three years together (5 years knowing one another). As the anniversary nears, he’s already begun to buy me flowers and make plans to celebrate. He’s ecstatic about our relationship. However, I on the other hand, am feeling more and more distant. There are no major issues between us – no one has cheated. No abusive tendancies. No excessive arguing. It’s simply that the relationship doesnt feel right. I enjoy the fun we have as best friends, but I dont feel “in love” or wildly compatible. I am a professional musican, two college degrees, very bright, financially concious/stable, and I am very career oriented (which as a musician, includes plenty of late weekend nights). He on the other hand, does not like anything except pop/rap music, he’d never even listened to any other genres prior to meeting me, his credit is horrible (he’s working to repair it) due to mistakes he made in college (which he never finished!), he works 70 hours a week and still manages to come up short financially, and i get sooo annoyed because i feel like i have to teach him everything. He’s also very clingy. For instance, I was attending an open mic for networking purposes. It was rumoured that a very esteemed musician was on break from tour and I knew i needed to go and introduce myself. My boyfriend begged me not to go, saying that he “needed” me to stay home and vegg on the sofa with him. It became a big thing. He went on about I’ve been distanct and not attentive to his needs (true because i’ve been thinking of breaking up). However, I refused to stay home. I have goals! We both felt resentful because we felt like we needed the other to “understand.”
He’s widly insecure about me being a musician. He always says im “talented and can have any man.” I contantly try to reassure him that i do *NOT* want anyone else. This is true to the core. But nevertheless, I feel like im living my life on a leash just to make sure he feels secure. I am NOT the cheating kind. I’ve had that done to me and I refuse to do it to someone else. I feel like he should trust me on that one.
There are other things, too. He has dreams to do real estate but…bad credit. He tried to get a job with the state, but working 70 hrs per week didnt allow him to perform or pass on the physical exam that was required. He was utterly exhausted. I felt bad for him and tried to help as much as I could but there wasnt much I could do. He was fatigued.
The sex is….eh.
The most major thing is this: We live in a neighborhood that is gentrifying. There are million dollar condos next to abandoned and run down houses. The area is promising but it has not reached it’s potential yet by far. There is still crime. (i dont know if you’ve read up on gentrification, but it’s interested to watch as the neighborhood integrates. Suddenly an area that was like the wire, is full of young, wealthy, married couples). Our apartment is BEAUTIFUL inside. But just trust me when i say the crime level is REAL. I did not grow up in those conditions. He didnt either but his parents DID. So he’s not shocked by some of the activity we see. I want to move…immediately. I figure we’re only renting, so why do we need to stay in a neighborhood that is not yet safe. His logic is that he wants to buy a house in the area and he knows its a promising spot (bad credit, remember? so how long will that take?) and he started his own company doing work on the houses that are being built, so he wants to stick close by and delve into the market. I say, you CAN do work here, and if you BOUGHT a house in the neighborhood, I’d be more than happy to stay because its an INVESTMENT but right now, we have no stake here. We are only renting. We may as well rent where we are comfortable. He doesnt understand where I am coming from.
So there are lots of those kinds of differences. With all the negative things I post here, It’d take a post 3x as long to describe how his amazingness! He supports my womanhood and feminist ideals. I feel like I can completely be myself! I feel loved and adored. It’s crazy because I’ve never felt more heard, or payed attention to in a relationship, but…then there are all the red flags i mentioned above. I know he’s working to fix them but sheesh, the problems and the conflicts regarding these things seem never ending.
I often refer to him as my Aiden (sex and the city). This man would build me a house with his bare hands if i asked him to… but I’m afraid to tie our future together. I’ve worked hard to maintain my credit and lifestyle. I feel like im always at a standstill because when im ready to make my next moves, I have to wait for him to get ready.
idk. this sucks! any advice. I guess what im looking for is for someone to tell me it’s ok to end a relationship with the worlds most sweet man!