(Closed) Breakup Advice & Support – please?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i’m sorry for your loss. i truly do not envy you. i had the worst, mother of all break ups about 4 years ago and it STILL stings at times. nothing anyone says here is going to help you because it just SUCKS that bad. i used to cry myself to sleep every night and PRAY to God to give me amnesia, just so i could forget him and move on. it would have been so easy. i just wanted some eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! (if you haven’t seen that movie – see it – ASAP!)

now i a good time to go out with single friends, drink, carouse and carry on. not saying to become a raging drunk…but those nights spent laughing and carrying on with friends are nights you will remember for years to come.

if you have ever been thinking about making a life change, do it now, while you are feeling brave. i mean…don’t do anything drastic…but now is a good time to start doing something you always wanted to do, but never could because of X, Y and Z. in the next 6 months, yo uare going to start realizing and learning so much about yourself…so much that maybe you were holding back from…or so much that maybe you lost over the years in order to please your ex.

go to concerts/shows. it’s summer…it’s nice out and people are everywhere! nothing beats going to see new live music! i did this a ton after my breakup. i met all kinds of people…even had one of the bands playing crash on my apartment floor for the nite…it was great!

if you’re going to be alone (which you will be, which you need to be sometimes) – be productive. bake and cook for homeless shelters/battered woman shelters (i did this too)…it will really humble you and make you feel like you did something awesome at the same time. maybe even volunteer? i visited an old folks home once a week for years (until i moved), and it was so amazing to go there and have 20 people be genuinely happy to see me, and get my mind off of MY problems for a change.

like i said…it’s going to take massive amounts of time, keeping busy and getting lost in your brand new life. analysis is paralysis, and the more you think and ponder all the what-ifs and might have beens, you’re losing more time. not to say that you should never think of it or speak of it or him again…just don’t spend all of your time contemplating.

this is all easier said than done, truly…but you seem like a strong person and i know you will persevere and you will be better for it.

best wish…xo

Post # 17
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t know the whole story, and being away I missed what happened, but I am so sorry. You’re a wonderful person and deserve nothing but happiness, even if that means finding someone better for you! *hugs*

Post # 18
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  You have gotten some great advice!

  When I went through a break-up with my previous boyfriend, I had to cut myself off completely from him. I got out a box and put in pictures and other things that reminded me of him. I taped it shut and hid it in a closet.

  I also blocked him from my Facebook. I didn’t de-friend him right away, but I knew I didn’t want to see what he would be up to. No matter what, I knew that it would make me miserable. I didn’t want to see his Facebook posts or pictures. I can’t remember your specific situation, if you’re going to try to remain friends, but I needed that space from my ex.

  Finally, I started to focus on other things. I was getting ready to start a new year at college. I put my focus on making new friends, doing well in my classes. I ended up meeting my fiance during this time. This is your time to do things that make you happy :-).

  On a side note, I also let myself cry whenever I needed it. I would go into my bedroom and sob into a pillow. Sometimes, I would give myself set times to be sad. I would literally set a timer for an hour and let myself have a pity party. After that time was up, I got up and did something nice for myself. Being around positive people is what helped me get through this rough time. Each day really will get a little easier. It sounds trite, but it is true.

Post # 19
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Although unfamiliar with your whole story, I’m so sorry to hear this. I have been through many a bad break-up. Gosh, it sounds so cliche and corny but it’s true: Time heals all wounds. What I thought then was the end of the world, I now know it was a blessing in disguise.

Everyone else gave wonderful advice. Crying, doing things for yourself, surrounding yourself with friends and family.

Was the break up mutual? Is he contacting you? If he is not contacting you, that should give you strength also. Because a relationship worth fight for will be fought for. If he has no desire to fight for it, he is not worth it.

You are not alone!

Post # 20
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As previous Bees have stated, you are NOT alone!!  All their advice is exactly right, and you will be able to do it in time.  As someone going thru heart ache as I type this, I wanted to share some ‘things’ a friend emailed me shortly after my break-up.  I have posted them on my wall, and read them every day.  They have given me strength, and remind me that time and healing ARE Ok.

“Stopping, calming, and resting are preconditions for healing.  When animals in the forest are wounded they find a place  to lie down and rest completely for many days…They just rest and get the healing they need.”

“We hurt. We suffer. We wrong our loved ones and they do wrong by us. Reaching desperately for an answer will not help us. Pretending wer’re not hurt doesn’t help either. We we are wounded, the wound needs rest in order to heal. So it with our souls. If we poke at our hurt, pick at the sore, rub in the dirt of other’s opinions, we do not allow it time to heal.”

“If you’ve been hurt, accept that.  Feel the hurt. Be aware of it. Let it heal. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t talk to that person for awhile. Maybe you need to let go of the relationship.  Maybe you just need some quiet time. Whatever the answer is, find a safe place and allow yourself time to heal.”

“If you are feeling pain, be aware of it. Feel the pain, and then quit picking at the wound.  Lie low.  Quit fighting. Give your wounds time and enough rest to heal.”

 

Now, these sentiments can seem ‘sad’, but thru all of the things with me, and I know we are different, I was beating myself up for not being able to pick myself up right away.  To be ‘normal’.  To get back to good.  I think, in time, everyone does – you are no exception, but you need time to heal too.  As others have said, surround yourself by the people you need at the time.  I have people that have let me ‘beat the dead horse’, and have let me cry, scream, vent, etc.  I have people that i know wont let me talk about it, because they want me to have fun again, so I call them when I need a night out…

I wish you all the luck in this, and peace of mind certainly!! 

Post # 21
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

I know I am a total crack head for saying this, And I am NOT saying do this right away, AND I don’t know you story and what ‘type’ of person you are but dating helped me get over breakups.  Not in the initial stages, but after that, I dated and it helped fill up my self esteem like no other.  Having guys fawning over me felt good!  I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship at all, but coffee or cocktails dates were great 🙂 

I am so sorry you have to go through this crappy time, but I hope you’re proud of yourself, b/c it takes guts to finally deduce something isn’t right and to move on.

I hope your friends are awesome and supportive right now and if you can, maybe take a little trip the lot of you, camping, shopping weekend away, or whatever floats your boat.

Take care of you 🙂

 

ETA: not sure if a PP said it, but it may be good to cut off as much contact as you can with him.  Take all of your collective photos and put them in a box away in the back of the closet.  Take the photos off your phone, comp, etc and put them on disc and add them to that box too.  And delete him from FB. Delete texting history and emails.  Remove his contact info from your phone.   This may not be right for you, but I do this and it helps enormously.  ((Hugs))

Post # 22
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

Sorry about your breakup!

My worst was with my ex of 7 1/2 years. What really helped me was to stop talking to him (no answering phone calls, texts, emails, etc). I had to cut him off cold turkey. Also, I started dating again right away. It helped me get my mind off of him and move more towards the future. Even if I knew I wasn’t dating to find my husband, just to have some fun and get out of the house. And it helped me realize there is actually someone out there that’s better for me!

Post # 23
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

All the PP have given some great advice. Doing positive things with others, enjoying some much needed time alone, cutting your hair (sounds weird but I felt like it was a new begining after I did that), feeling your emotions and just thinking about how the best is yet to come.

 

I wish you the best of luck and sorry that you are going through this. *hugs*

Post # 24
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

((hugs))

These are the things that have helped me with my bad breakups:

1) Rearrange your house. Move furniture around, buy some new decor if you can afford it (even from a second hand store). Mix it up so everytime you walk into a room you are not instantly reminded of his favorite spot to sit on the sofa or whatever.

2) Time for a makeover. A new look always helps me when I am going through a tough time. Its an instant confidence boost and I like looking in the mirror and knowing that I look different than the last time he saw me. Kind of like a “See what you are missing?” without actually showing him. You can cut your hair, dye your hair, buy new makeup, buy new clothes, buy new accessories…

3) Make a list of all the reasons you are better off without him. Pull it out and look at it whenever you are tempted to call or text him.

4) Put away all reminders of him. Pictures, stuffed animals he won you at the county fair, his favorite T-shirt that wear to bed, anything that makes you think about him exclusively when you think about it. Shove it in a box in the bottom of your closet. When you are feeling better you can go through it and decide if you will keep or get rid of these things.

5) Make a list of all the things you wanted to do that you never had time for or that he never wanted to do with you. Start at the top and work your way down. Do some of it solo, it is very powerful to accomplish a goal on your own, and do some of it with friends. Try and do at least one new thing a week.

6) Make plans for meals with friends. Eating tends to be hard for me when I am upset (or I emotionally eat, either way, NOT HEALTHY). Sharing a meal with a close friend will help you not feel so alone, and it will ensure that you are getting all the nutrients you need to get through this.

7) Be sure you take care of yourself. If you are having trouble sleeping, take a Simply Sleep. Its hard to feel good when you arent getting enough sleep at night. Take vitamins. Be sure you are drinking enough water. Focus on yourself and what your body needs and listen to it!

8) Have your friends make a list of all the reasons you are awesome. And when you start thinking negative things, pull it out. You are strong and you will get through this!

Post # 25
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@Gingersnap:  Big old hugs to you! 

My engagement ended 8 months ago, and while I still have hard times, I know some things that really helped me through.

As many of the Bees have said, lean on loved ones.  Pinpoint people who will support you, listen to you, encourage you.  It can be one person or five people, but find those who you trust and let them help you.

Cry. Scream. Vent. Let it out.  Whatever you need to do to get your emotions out, do it.  This is a time to grieve and you will want to get it all out instead of bottling it up.  I found that crying on my own or with someone else helped.  Journaling, blogging also helped.

Cut ties with him.  Go NO CONTACT. As impossible as it seems, do it.  It will help (this is one I learned the hard way).

Find time to focus on YOU!  Thank God for LivingSocial/Groupon!  I have spent a ton of money on spa treatments and just pampering myself.  It’s awesome.  I also set a goal of running a marathon, so I highly recommend exercise, eating right, sleeping well and setting goals for yourself…  I also traveled internationally, which I would not have done had the breakup not occured.  Do things that make YOU happy.

Lastly, there are some great books and blogs out there.  I love “Getting Past Your Breakup” and the blog Getting Past Your Past.

Best wishes to you.  Please be kind to yourself.  Remember there is no timeline for this, so don’t feel pressured to feel better by a certain date.  You’ll feel better when you are ready.

Post # 26
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Make a list of all the things you HATE about him. That was the number one thing that helped me through a bad breakup. After being abused for two years, I finally got the courage to leave, and it was HARD. But the List…oh, man, the list saved me so many times when I just wanted to say, “Okay, fine, I’ll take you back” even though I didn’t want to.

And also, make a list of the reasons you rock. 🙂

Post # 27
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

PP have given some great advice, but let me add one. 

Block his phone number, email, FB… whatever way he “could” contact you. Once he physically can’t contact you, short of coming up to your door, you won’t think of him every time you check your email or use your cell phone. 

Also, lean on girlfriends and do awesome stuff. Take a short vacation together and experience someplace new!

Post # 28
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

One more thing: I know it’s hurting bad now, more than you might think you could possibly hurt. So remind yourself if you can live through that, you can do anything!!

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