(Closed) Breakup advice? :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

HAVE NO CONTACT WITH YOUR EX.  Seriously though.  No calls, no texts, nothing.  You cannot be friends with an ex right after a breakup.  Maybe later on, but not right now. 

Post # 4
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

((((sending many hugs!))))  Just remember, you will be ok.  It’s so hard at first, I know.  Before my current Fiance, my past boyfriend and I broke up after 5 years of dating.  We just realized we were “just friends” in the end; this was 3 months after I moved over an hour away from my hometown to be with him in our new place. It was hard, but he helped me pack, we cried together, and he left when my family came to move me out. 

Needless to say, I was numb.  I looked and felt like a trainwreck, and was like that for many weeks.  My best peice of advice: just let yourself feel and accept the pain, and then eventually pick yourself back up and move forward.  Again, I know it’s hard.  But I think it’s a huge hurdle to overcome, but once you let yourself live the pain (feel bad for yourself, cry, shut everyone out, etc.) and then move forward, you WILL feel a new sense of being and see a new outlook on life.  I’m sorry you have to go through this, but it’s those crazy curve balls that normally bring you the best blessings in life in the end.  xoxoxo

 

Post # 5
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@gut_feeling:  What are you doing for yourself?  Is it time to choose a fun class to take, or develop that new hobby?

Post # 8
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Aw, honey, you poor, poor dear. 

Well, it sounds like you are pretty much on target for how most of us deal with breakups–going back and forth emotionally, buying and reading the self-help books, fatasizing about a reunion, not wanting to eat/sleep…Have you cut your hair yet? 

I’m sorry–I don’t want to belittle what’s going on, I’m just trying to convey that turmoil is normal and what you’re feeling and how you are acting is ok–well, not ok in that it sucks, but it’s going to be a rough adjustment and there will be conflict and insecurity–so it’s alright. And YOU will be alright, even if you don’t feel that way all the time. 

When I went through a bad break up, I had to keep repeating to myself in my moments of despair that despair was okay to feel, but that as bad as it was, I had to believe it would go away–that some day, maybe not that particular day, but some day would be better and brighter. It sounds really cheesy but I kept telling myself that during the bad times and one day, it WAS a little better and a little brighter. And then another came that we better and brighter and slowly things started to be less raw. Sometimes all you can do in the storm is wait it out and just keep repeating that it will be okay. Because it WILL. 

I don’t know if this stuff will at all help you, but I think it helped me: 

1. Missing him is normal. However, if it got overwhelming, I took a deep breath and reminded myself of all the things that I didn’t like about my ex and all the things I would have changed. Then I thought about my dream guy and how he would behave differently from the ways I disliked most about my ex. Yes, it’s purely fantasy, but it helped to remind me that my ex was human with flaws like anyone else, not the idealized gem I found myself getting sucked into thinking I had lost. 

2. Call your friends. Seriously. Your friends will understand. Beg them to take you to see a shoot ’em up stupid action flick. Ask them out to coffee or to an art museum or to play raquetball or go bowling or whatever. Just getting out of the house and interacting with others is invaluable. So is having fun. And you deserve a little fun. 

3. Exercise. Even if it’s only going for a stroll. Just getting the body moving will help you chemically and hormonally and remind you to take care of YOU. Get yourself some new tunes (stuff that he’d never approve of or really anything that’s not part of your “shared library” is crucial) and rock out. 

 

And btw–I DID in fact cut my hair, months after the breakup, so after the raw stage, but not quite in the “over it” stage. And there’s a reason why it’s a cliche–it helped me feel like a new person πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I Know this may sound weird and useless but you have to TELL yourself that you can get over him.  You need to tell yourself that you can be happy without him and that your life will be so much better without him.  Also TELL yourself that it obviously wasn’t ment to be and that someone much better is out there waiting for you to find them.  Honestly this worked for me after an extremely bad break up.  You will be fine and happy soon enough πŸ™‚  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this, but so happy for you that you are doing what you feel is right for you long term. Break ups are SO hard, and I always thought that back and forth between feeling powerful and feeling like I was loosing it was the worst.It sounds like you are really into reading so I would redommend reading “it’s called a breakup because its broken”. Its a light read but will help you get some perspective and let go of what could have been and all those thoughts.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/076792196

Bsides that, it would make you feel better to get some exercise even if it’s a walk around the block, spend time  people that make you laugh and feel loved and remind yourself that you are doing the best thing for you! And I agree about no contact, don’t contact him, dont respond if he contacts you, don’t let mutual friends talk to you about what he’s doing etc…

I hope it gets a bit easier soon!

Post # 11
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It sounds like you are doing all the right things; you just have to let time pass now.  I, too, had an ex whom I was with for 5+ years and there’s no denying that it absolutely sucks at first.  It does get easier, I promise!  You WILL look back on this and wonder what on earth you were so sad about.  Life is just beginning. πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Recruit a couple really good friends, tell them honestly how you’re feeling, and tell them you need them to keep you occupied and too busy to think about the ex. They need to get you out of the house and find ways to distract you. That has always made me feel better. And try to look forward to how good you’ll feel when you’re over him, no longer in a destructive relationship, and on your way to sarting a new better relationship with some future mystery man who will be perfect for you in all the ways this guy wasn’t. I’m very sorry this is so hard for you, and while it’s kind of a cliche, things really will start to get better before you even notice it. Be strong and be with people who love you!

Post # 15
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry for how terrible you must be feeling right now! I know everyone is different, but here are a few tips based on my previous break ups from really serious relationships:

1. Give yourself a little time to grieve. Watch the romantic movies, cry, cry some more, etc.

2. Do NOT contact your ex. One of the biggest problems with breaking up with someone is your attachment to them. Even if they were a horrible person (not that he was), the attachment is what makes it so hard to let go. It’s hard to think about starting over when you’ve been with someone for so long. I would also recommend getting rid of anything that reminds you of them, because it helps to detatch. (this is a personal preference though, some people like to have things from ex’s even after their married to someone else for nostalgia)

3. Watch things that give you hope. I loved turning to the tv to drown my sorrows. After you’re through that period where you’ve grieved, stop watching those sappy romances where the people get together in the end-it gives you false hope. Those are the types of movies that make you picture him showing up at your door- believe me I’ve been there with those fantasies!! Choose a show where the people are free and dating around and doing exciting things that don’t involve getting married. It helps you to see how being free can actually be fun, and to picture yourself in a situation where you are happy without that person. Eventually you’ll be able to watch the romances again when the attachment wears off, but this really helped me a LOT. Especially at night when you really start to think and miss the person. Put a show on a loop until you fall asleep thinking about all the exciting things you can do with your life now that you are “free.” Maybe try to stop obsessing over the breakup (which I know is hard to do from experience!!), and start filling that with all the freedom and potential you now have to do whatever you want! πŸ™‚

Hope that helps! I know it’s a tough situation : 

Post # 16
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

All I can say is, it will get better with time. I once ended a relationship and went to bed for 4 days straight. I spent a week eating pop tarts and watching Gilmore girls. Once I started going outside and being around the people who love me, things started getting better. I remember a day when I put on a pair of socks and thought, “yes! You put on socks today, you’re going to be ok.” I say this because it was the lowest I’ve ever been and it took me about a month to get back to normal. I started hiking and riding my bike. I read “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken” which was really helpful. It is hard and it doesn’t feel like it now but someday you’ll wake up and realize, “hey I didn’t think about X once today” and your life will go on. πŸ™‚

The topic ‘Breakup advice? :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors