Aw, honey, you poor, poor dear.
Well, it sounds like you are pretty much on target for how most of us deal with breakups–going back and forth emotionally, buying and reading the self-help books, fatasizing about a reunion, not wanting to eat/sleep…Have you cut your hair yet?
I’m sorry–I don’t want to belittle what’s going on, I’m just trying to convey that turmoil is normal and what you’re feeling and how you are acting is ok–well, not ok in that it sucks, but it’s going to be a rough adjustment and there will be conflict and insecurity–so it’s alright. And YOU will be alright, even if you don’t feel that way all the time.
When I went through a bad break up, I had to keep repeating to myself in my moments of despair that despair was okay to feel, but that as bad as it was, I had to believe it would go away–that some day, maybe not that particular day, but some day would be better and brighter. It sounds really cheesy but I kept telling myself that during the bad times and one day, it WAS a little better and a little brighter. And then another came that we better and brighter and slowly things started to be less raw. Sometimes all you can do in the storm is wait it out and just keep repeating that it will be okay. Because it WILL.
I don’t know if this stuff will at all help you, but I think it helped me:
1. Missing him is normal. However, if it got overwhelming, I took a deep breath and reminded myself of all the things that I didn’t like about my ex and all the things I would have changed. Then I thought about my dream guy and how he would behave differently from the ways I disliked most about my ex. Yes, it’s purely fantasy, but it helped to remind me that my ex was human with flaws like anyone else, not the idealized gem I found myself getting sucked into thinking I had lost.
2. Call your friends. Seriously. Your friends will understand. Beg them to take you to see a shoot ’em up stupid action flick. Ask them out to coffee or to an art museum or to play raquetball or go bowling or whatever. Just getting out of the house and interacting with others is invaluable. So is having fun. And you deserve a little fun.
3. Exercise. Even if it’s only going for a stroll. Just getting the body moving will help you chemically and hormonally and remind you to take care of YOU. Get yourself some new tunes (stuff that he’d never approve of or really anything that’s not part of your “shared library” is crucial) and rock out.
And btw–I DID in fact cut my hair, months after the breakup, so after the raw stage, but not quite in the “over it” stage. And there’s a reason why it’s a cliche–it helped me feel like a new person 🙂