Breakup at almost 29; cannot get over cycles of regret and anxiety

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

Bee, you need to love yourself before finding some one. I think you should spend a lot of time with yourself. Write nice things about yourself in small paperss and put them in a jar or box. When you get anxious, start reading about these good things about you. Do things that will make you happy. Socialize more with your friends. If you have a distress line in your town, call and talk to them. Also, forgive yourself. Look at the mirror and tell yourself and you forgive yourself. 

As for not finding some one like your ex, many people who break up think this way and later find out that there are so many better partners out there. I think you should only focus on the present and yourself. With time, you will meet guys who are worse and others who are better than your ex. You can find a partner at any age, and you will find some one. 

 

Post # 3
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It sounds like you weren’t even compatible with this guy. Reread your own post and try to remind yourself of that: no sexual spark, no deeper connection, opposite preferences for how you like to spend the weekend.

Beyond that, seek therapy to deal with your suicidal and anxious thoughts, etc. This isn’t something that internet advice will fix.

Post # 4
Member
5004 posts
Bee Keeper

First, you need to make an appointment with your MD and be open and honest about your suicidal thoughts. Medical professionals have heard this before, I promise you. No one is going to judge.

Then you need to find a therapist that you can unload on. Basically, a guy you weren’t totally sure about said he didnt love you. This is not the end of the world. You’re very young. You are not unlovable or bad at communicating, which seems to be the latest thing people focus on. You can and will find someone to love. But you have to forgive yourself for not being this guy’s type and you have to live yourself for who you are. Self-confidence is appealing to men, no self-confidence tends to attract losers. 

Post # 5
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

To begin, try to get your emotions in check first through either therapy, antidepressants or both. Continue staying active and avoid focusing on relationships at this time.

Secondly, go back and read your post as if it was written by another person. Bee, from reading what you wrote, it doesn’t even sound like you REALLY liked this guy. It just seemed incompatible from the start. You needed comfort and he provided it. But so would have a good friend, a pet, or a bowl of hot soup. 

I think this breakup was the best thing for you. Just going off what you’ve written, it seems that the relationship was WAY too hard and agonizing. Think about this: would you have been less upset if you’d been the one to end the relationship? I don’t think the actual ending of the relationship is what’s bothering you most. I think it’s that it didn’t end on your timeline or terms, and you feel that it’s your fault. It’s totally not. This guy was just not the right fit for you.

Post # 6
Member
2235 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
tj123 :  In your title you mention age, and you also mentioned several things in your post that mean you were not at all compatible with this man, yet you stayed with him until he ended it. 

Be very careful of settling or being with/staying with a man out of fear of being single or fear of being too old to find love, marriage, and kids (if marriage and children are things you want in life).

It’s far better to be more selective in your partners (people who are actually compatible with you), rather than dating the first guy who’s mildly acceptable and open to dating and trying to “keep him,” no matter if he fulfills you, makes you happy, or is compatible long term. 

If a guy isn’t right in a major way (for example this guy was not sexually compatible with you at all), then immediately move on. Stop wasting time trying to make the wrong relationships last. If you’re future minded when looking for a partner, you’ll weed out the wrong matches quickly, be able to find the right guy easier (because you’re not wasting years of time on the wrong ones), and you’ll be happier!

Post # 7
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I agree with PP that you should get into therapy and talk to a professional about these thoughts. The suicidal thoughts are especially concerning and absolutely urgent when it comes to getting in front of someone who can help you ASAP. That should be priority number one right now.

That said, it’s clear that you are viewing this breakup through the lens of everything being YOUR fault, whether it’s that you didn’t communicate properly, didn’t behave perfectly, didn’t do enough, etc., or that there’s something inherently wrong with YOU that made this relationship (and will make every other relationship) fail.

Bee, none of that is true. It’s all absolutely false.

Depression and anxiety can absolutely shift your perspective on things. They lie to you. If you look at this from an objective standpoint, you did nothing wrong and you actually felt the same way he did – that there was no deeper connection going on between you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It happens. It’s normal. It’s nothing either one of you did “wrong.” It just IS.

What you need to do (through therapy) is work on your own internal dialogue and shift your own perceptions from self-annihilating to reality-based. There are many models of therapy that can help with this, but in my experience, DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is highly effective in this area. The whole idea behind DBT is identifying and changing negative thought patterns, and is also very effective in managing suicidal thougths and severe anxiety.

Please seek some help, Bee. <3

 

Post # 8
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
tj123 :  

My personal advice would be to get to the bottom of these feelings, which are both about this guy and not. Mostly, I suspect a lot of this pain, anxiety, depression and heightened sense of responsibility come from your childhood and probably your relationship with your parents.

Do you remember feeling any of these feelings growing up? Most likely this break up, which feels like a rejection and abandonment and a loss of someone that you loved, has tapped into those wells of sadness which still exist somewhere deep within you.

I ask this because it was the same for me. I had a very, very difficult and painful childhood (won’t go into the details) and break ups would bring up intense emotions which seemed to be out of all proportion to the situation and which seemed to far outstrip what other people felt when they broke up. 

As hard as it is, I suggest that you go back to the things that are truly causing you pain. There are things in you that really want to be heard and healed. I agree with the advice to spend some time with yourself. Listen to yourself, let yourself feel what you are feeling. Work through it all with a therapist. Repair the relationship with yourself. Sure there are things you could have done better in the relationship, but all you can do is learn from it and do better in the future. That is all any of us can do and are doing. Sure, make improvements to your communication style, but don’t burden yourself with undue blame and responsibility. Be gentle with yourself – other people are full of their own flaws, and it is not all on you.

29 is not old at all – not remotely, and you definitely have time to take a time out and look after yourself and heal yourself. Your soul will tell you when it is time to get back out there again – please do not rush it.

(And please, if you are having suicidal thoughts, contact your doctor. And let your close friends and family members know that you need special support at this time so that they know to pick up the phone if you call.)

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

definitely seek medical help for your depression bee. You can’t just think yourself happier all on your own if you are feeling this depressed. 

There’s a book called Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott, which I like because it has writing excercises. This is not a substitute for professional help, but I wonder if it might be  good addition.

I don’t think the criteria for being with a person is that they’re an okay person. Thats like…the minimum standard for getting lunch with someone, or loaning them power tools. its not the foundation of a life together. A good relationship gets better with time, but the easiest time in a relationship is right at the beginning when you are falling for each other. If you see lots of red flags in the first weeks and months, they’re not going to go away. People are who they are.  

I think a lot of people approach dating like its thrifting for a piece of furniture you need, and somehow dining room tables are so scarce that if you find a good enough table even if it needs repairs and doesn’t match your furniture you just have to take it. I don’t suscribe to that theory. I think its better to eat at the coffee table or off a tray than sit at a table that wobbles and smells a bit wierd for the rest of your life. You deserve better. 29 isn’t decrepit either. lots of people get more ready to settle down in their early 30s these days, so its likely you’ll find people who want what you want at the age you are. 

good luck! get a therapist

Post # 10
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
tj123 :  Ok, so let’s just pretend for a second that you somehow sabotaged things by being a bad communicator. What is it that you failed to communicate about? Were there things you were hiding from him, or not telling him, or picking fights about? 

And let’s say you were choosing not to communicate about certain things. I doubt you expressed all of your concerns about him. Even if you had, that would not have caused you two to suddenly be in love. 

The only solution here was to break up. You two clearly weren’t on the same page and were not ever going to be. He was never going to be sexual and “less odd”. You weren’t in love with him and he wasn’t in love with you. Communicating has literally nothing to do with that. 

Now that said, you need to seek help for your suicidal thoughts immediately. If you haven’t yet told your therapist about this, do it this second. You are having anxiety, displacing it, and panicking about something that isn’t real. That’s what anxiety and suicidal thoughts will do to a person. Please take to heart that we are all here telling you that you are not the reason this relationship failed. 

Think for a second about ALL the people you haven’t fallen in love with. Every man you’ve met, been friends with, worked with, dated. There are so many reasons you didn’t fall in love with the hundreds of people you’ve interacted with. It’s not because they’re crappy communicators.

Going forward, read some books on effective communication. It can’t hurt! We all have room to improve in that area, and hopefully it’ll give you some confidence about your communication style. 

Post # 12
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

Some tough love here…But he did you a favor telling you the truth, and TRUST me not many guys have the balls to do that.  Time heals and if you give it time you will realize that there was a lot missing in your relationship.  Like another pp said, reread what you wrote.  Yes there were good times, yes he was amazing and funny to others.  But you will find someone who YOU will mean the world to them and be the best partner to you.   It’s hard hearing this right after a break up but we have all been there.  29 was a tough age for me because I felt 30s coming and felt I would never meet someone and I was already behind on my made up timeline of when to meet someone and get married.  Leave all that behind, focus on you, on being happy, on loving you.  Hope this helps 🙂

Post # 13
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

I would avoid dating right now and really concentrate on yourself.  After my break up, I gave time for myself.  I wasn’t ready to move on and dating made me feel worse.  Don’t get me wrong, being desired after a break up feels nice, but better to hold off.  You may end up hurting someone else because you aren’t ready to move on.  Yes I did find someone else, which is hard to think of when you are suffering from a broken heart.  See this as a learning experience, knowing how you want to be treated.

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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