Post # 1
So- of course there is the pre-holiday purging of relationships. I’ve run into a few lately, that boggle my mind. Two relationships, lasting more than 5 years, are breaking up because after ALL that time- the guy wasn’t ready to marry, or wasn’t ready to marry her.
What boggles me is the fact that they moved in together- and apparently didn’t discuss marriage- as in they were not on the same page as they signed up for joint checking accounts….
Girls- am I being a prude? Am I not with the times? I’m joyfully living in sin- but we at least knew that marriage was the track we were on before we signed a lease, or bought a house……
Thoughts? Revelations? Insight? Did it work out for any of you?
Post # 3
We lived in a house with roomates before we discussed marriage seriously. Since it wasn’t a long term living arrangement, I was fine with it.
I would never buy property with someone without a ring though!
Post # 4
I think moving in together is one thing.. while buying a house together is another thing. Buying a house together can create a legal mess when they split up.
Post # 5
@sulaii211: This is something I always wonder about myself. I’m not a big believer in living together at all and certainly not unless you at least plan to get married in the future.
With that said, I did move in with my now husband before we were engaged HOWEVER, before I agreed to move in with him we talked about what it meant and agreed we were on the path to marriage. If we hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have moved in with him. I just think its taking an enormous gamble with your future and emotions to move in with a guy and just hope he’ll propose! I really think a lot of women (I mean A LOT) shoot themselves in the foot like this. Its a hell of a lot harder to move on from a relationship that’s not going anywhere when you’ve moved in and established a household together.
Post # 6
I moved in with my now Fiance before we both knew for sure that it was going to lead to marriage. BUT we did talk about how we could see marriage in our future and that moving in together was not just something to do lightly. He bought a townhouse and I moved in with him a few weeks later, so it is only his name on the paperwork for now. I guess we knew marriage was on the table, but at the time of moving in, we did not know 100% that it was going to happen.
Post # 7
I already did, but it happened years back when we were much younger and had limited options thanks to my family being a mass of dysfunctional jerks.
Post # 8
I’ve been called “old-fashioned” for this, and I’m okay with that, but my Fiance and I have chosen not to move in together till after the wedding. It’s right for us, and I respect the fact that other people have different things that are right for them, too. Whatever feels best for you. 🙂
Post # 9
Moving in together is one thing, combining finances, whether in accounts or by buying a house together is to me different. I’ve had plenty of roommates over the years and I didn’t have plans to marry any of them but entangling finances really complicates things. But even still, I lived with my husband beforehand and I know a lot of people don’t see any big change after the wedding but for us being married is different than when we were in a committed relationship living together.
Post # 10
Just because you haven’t already agreed that you’re marrying each other doesn’t mean that you take the decision lightly. If you DO make it as a hasty decision, yes, that is bed. But some people like to do living together as a trial run to see if you are compatible in that way, or choose to never marry, because that is what they want. There are a million different reasons, many of which are valid, to not be engaged or have had the “if we do this we are definitely getting married” decision already made.
Post # 11
I can’t imagine ANYBODY who doesn’t have these conversations. No matter what you choose. But it happens all the time-with moving in, with finances, with kids….oye.
But no, I wouldn’t live with anyone unless we knew marriage was the intent.
Post # 12
I refused to ever move in with a guy unless there was already a ring on my finger. It’s just a requirement in my mind. To me – it’s too big of a leap and commitment unless you KNOW marriage is in the plans (and for me, the only way to truely know was to be engaged).
Post # 13
I definitely would move in (but lease not buy!) without discussing marriage – I pretty much did that. We moved in together because his lease was up – five months into our relationship. We made the decision after 2 or 3 months of dating because finding apartments in Manhattan is hard… and expensive.
I think at that point, we had discussed getting married only as a joke and when drunk. It wasn’t really a serious consideration at that point in the relationship – though by the time we moved in together I think we were knew that it would happen. I do recall thinking it over and realizing that given how most of my relationships have ended, I’d probably be fine living with him for awhile even if we broke up.
I think it’s part geographical – people in New York City tend to be really quick to move in together because it’s so expensive to live alone – and part my personality. I would still be fine not getting married to him… I don’t want children and marriage just isn’t all that important to me. Not that I’m not super excited to marry him, but that if I happened to fall just as hard for another woman I know I wouldn’t even have that option… so it doesn’t seem like a prerequisite to being committed partners to me.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t buy a house with someone who I wasn’t marrying, but Fiance and I did move into a rental place together after only 2 months of dating! People called us crazy, but it’s what worked for us at the time. I think the situation is really what should be the deciding factor. Fiance had just had a falling out with his roomates and needed a place ASAP, while I was already looking for a new place to live. Things just feel together for us and seemed practical so we went for it! We didn’t buy any combined furniture or make plans to buy a house until we were engaged though.
My Fiance is the first man I have ever lived with and I think living together is what made us decide to get married. I would have serious doubts about NOT living with a man before marrying him because boy did I learn a lot about my mate after we moved in together. Realizing that I could live with our differences is was what helped me to know that I could spend forever with my man. I’ve lived with roomates that I absolutely hated afterwards because of their living habits or what went on behind closed doors…. I can’t imagine how that would pan out after already being married lol.
Post # 15
@Entangled: Haha so TRUE! I often think that the expense of living alone, together with the scarcity of affordable apartments encourages co-habitation more quickly than might happen somewhere else.
For us, we moved in together at 9 months, because DH’s lease was up. We hadn’t discussed engagement per se, but we had talked about the fact that we both felt that it was a serious relationship and we wanted to be together for the forseeable future.
Post # 16
Darling Husband and I moved in together pretty quickly because it was only supposed to be temporary while I looked for a place, but I ended up staying 😛 However, once we moved into OUR own apartment with both our names on the leases, I made it known that I didn’t want to live together forever without getting married. 7 months later he proposed 🙂 Originally, Darling Husband wanted to get a house when we first started dating. He said it would be in his name and I could live there and help pick stuff out. However, I told him that I wouldn’t do that. It was fine if he wanted to get a house but I wasn’t going to help pick stuff out and live there without us being married and my name on the lease. So we ended up staying in the apartment. Now that we’re married, we’re saving up for a house and hopefully will get one within the next year!