(Closed) Bridal Attendant Issues (Selfish Friends)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

 I understand your annoyance that your other friend, the Bridesmaid or Best Man, told her she would be part of the bridal party. But your other friend doesn’t sound selfish to me…if someone told me that the bride wanted me in the wedding party, I would assume that meant bridesmaid, and I’d personally be thrown off by the personal attendant title – I’d never heard of it before this site, and it’s something girls here disagree about. I personally don’t think it’s much of an honor to ask someone to take on a role that involves them doing lots of favors for you without the recognition of actually being in the bridal party. I’m sorry, but I think you are more in the wrong for calling her selfish and being offended than she is for being confused by the personal attendant role and feeling not so awesome about it.

In your current situation, I’d tell her I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding because of what the other friend told her about being in the wedding party, and that you never meant for that to happen. Then I would tell her that you know the personal attendant role is asking a lot (because it is!) without the actual role of bridesmaids, and that she means a lot to you but you just couldn’t ask everyone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and you understand if she’d rather just attend as a guest.

You said she has been doing other things to annoy you…I don’t know what, but it doesn’t sound to me like they have a lot to do with the personal attendant issue. If they do you should let us know, but it seems unlikely form the info you’ve given.

Post # 4
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think they are selfish more like rude. I never heard of personal attendants until the wedding bee before this site and if someone asked me I probably would say no also. I would prefer to just enjoy the wedding as another guest. I think Friend one should have kept her mouth shut.

Post # 5
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Have to agree with PP — yes, it was wrong of the Bridesmaid or Best Man to say anything about your plans; yes, PA would sounds like a thankless and pretty unrecognized “honor;” and, no, I hadn’t heard of a PA before reading the bee, so your friend may not have either….I would probably have reacted the same way.

Post # 6
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It does sound like you have some outspoken friends, and it may be best to just talk with Fiance (or bees!) about your plans or ideas.  Your friends may just be excited, and not understand that it is frustrating and hurts your feelings that they press their opinions/wants onto your wedding when you are thinking something else.  Have you mentioned that to them?

In my area, the personal attendant (and even usher-ette) roles are very popular.  However, I do also agree that some brides take advantage of that role and make that person do the work no one else wants to.  I would just be careful that you include you personal attendent in all the bridal party fun (riding the bus, rehearsal dinner, etc.), bridesmaids gifts (yes, she should get the same/almost the same one too in my opinion), etc.  But then just mention for certain things (standing up beside you during ceremony, most pics, etc.) you’re asking her to help with something else (recording the ceremony?  Helping the photographer with posing? Ushering guests to next spot).

Good luck!  Hope it gets better for you!

Post # 7
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve also never heard of a personal attendant, I still don’t really know what it is, but it sounds like a servant or a minion. I understand #2. I do think #1 is rude for discussing with her, but maybe she was excited, and under the impression #2 was going to a Bridesmaid or Best Man, so she did it without thinking.

Post # 8
2601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Uh, sorry but I’m not going to be all “gee, that’s frustrating” or “sorry you’re dealing with this”. For the record: you don’t have to make anyone a Bridesmaid or Best Man you don’t want to. You’re right that your Bridesmaid or Best Man shouldn’t have suggested that to another friend.

Otherwise, you are being unreasonable. 

You asked your friends for their opinions. They gave them. And you’re complaining one of them deigned to use the wrong pronoun and the other suggested she liked a particular color for her BM’s dress (which SHE is wearing and will probably pay for)? For one, yes, it’s your wedding, but most people will be much more interested in being involved with your wedding if you graciously listen to their input–which does not mean that you have to adopt their suggestions. I imagine that you, like many brides, would like your friends to SHARE in the wedding experience? And overall, sorry, but if you solicit opinions, you can’t be pissed off that the answers aren’t what you want. 

You then told a girl that she could be your “personal attendant” and got offended when she (rightly) pointed out that it pretty much amounts to a thankless job? Quite frankly, it’s making me laugh that you consider it an “honor” to be YOUR personal attendant–not because of any personal thing about you being you–I’d laugh really if ANYONE said that because it makes me want to say, “Oh really? Who are you, the Queen of Sheba?”

I mean, truly, you sound more selfish than your BMs. 

Post # 9
869 posts
Busy bee

@BothCoasts:  <<<  This exactly.  Couldn’t have put it better.

“I then send her the duty responsibilities that I found on a website.”  If anyone sends me an unsolicited “list of duties,”  I’m out.

Post # 11
4371 posts
Honey bee

I would turn it down if someone asked me to be a “PA” and not actually part of the bridal party. 

Post # 13
2586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

No one here was snarky or rude, they were honest.


And I’d never heard of a “PA” either until the Bee. I think I’d have probably kept my mouth shut and just politely said “thanks but no thanks” if I was asked to be one, but I’d be thinking the same things your friend was…

Feelings get hurt around weddings…I’ve realized its totally unavoidable to go through the process and have NO ONE get hurt, but it doesn’t really imply “selfishness”,  at least I dont think so.


Also – “cenile” (senile) – means you are having memory lapses because of a neurological disorder. I’m not sure how that has anything to do with people assuming you sending a list of duties to the friend meant thats what you were expecting of her.  I would have thought that too, unless you clarified otherwise.

Post # 14
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ArmyWife8806:  I was actually trying really hard to NOT sound snarky, because while I thought you were majorly in the wrong here I was trying to point that out in a subtle way. But don’t ask for opinions, then totally flip out when not everyone agrees with you. It s extremely rare to have everyone agree on an open forum. In your case, not a single person agreed with you – that is pretty rare, and when it happens I take it as a wake up call, not an excuse to be nasty because people didn’t agree with me. And no one here said anything about you, a stranger we have never met, that was worse than what you said about your friends, people you have actually met and supposably care about. Considering that, I’m surprised you’re so upset at our reactions.

Post # 15
8683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@ArmyWife8806:  Yes I had someone help with my dress and my hair- my hair help was called a hairdresser and my Bridesmaid or Best Man and my mum helped me with my dress!

If you do not want this person to be in your wedding party thats is perfectly ok- but personal attendant really isn’t an honour position- it is either a unpaid personal assistant (for those over demanding brides) or a pity job (for those who feel bad because they don’t want the person as a BM).

Guests is also an honour position at a wedding- why not just let this poor girl be a guest.

Post # 16
4162 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry to sound snarky but why would you copy a list of duties off the Internet if all you actually wanted her to do was help withmakeup and dress?

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