Bridal party awkwardness

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

The “coldness” you feel from your cousin right now is actually just her world falling apart. When I went through a divorce, I pulled away from a lot of people because I wasn’t myself at that time. I wasn’t fun or bubbly or enjoyable to be around. You may have to make a larger effort in the relationship for a little while. Also, it may be tough for her to talk about weddings and be as excited for you as if her marriage was healthy. I would talk to her and just see what she thinks. She’ll be able to tell you if they can both stay in the party and get along OK, or if one of them needs to step down. Do you have someone that could take her place that wouldn’t be offended by being a backup?

Post # 4
5734 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You are getting married a year from now, you don’t “have” to do anything.  You certainly don’t have to ask one of them to step down.

This all sounds very recent so I would just back off for a little while and stop thinking about how this person’s problems affect you and your wedding.  In a few months you can talk to each of them about what they want to do. 

Post # 5
3802 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

farewed19 :  Hmm maybe there is more going on there. Why don’t you go out for coffee and ask if you have said or done something to upset her. Or ask how you can support her. If there was infidelity on both sides, this was definitely going on long before she told you, so I can understand her not wanting to discuss weddings. but that doesn’t make it OK for her to ignore you and make rude comments about you. I don’t care what size you are, it doesn’t give anyone license to talk crap about you.

Post # 6
7764 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If your wedding isn’t for another whole year, I would just let this lie for now and be there for your friend during this awful time. There is no immediate need to sort out your bridal party situation, and I can promise you that your wedding is probably the last thing on your friends’ minds as they navigate their divorce right now. 

This situation may resolve itself on its own…maybe your moh or the groomsman will volunteer to step down – so I’d just give it some time before forcing the issue. If nothing has happened in a few months, then I’d ask your moh how she’s feeling and whether she still wants to be in your wedding. I would NOT under any circumstances tell her she’s out…just tell her you love her and want her with you on your day but you completely understand if it would be too painful. 

As for the groomsman, I’d let your husband handle it in exactly the same way. If he decides to step down then fine – you don’t need to replace him. 

Post # 7
12239 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

This may be an unpopular opinion, but right or wrong, you may ultimately have to decide which relationship means more to you. Of course they are still married, and there’s even the possibility that things will resolve, so with all the time you have ahead of you, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any decisions at all at the moment. 

While not an entitlement on her end, or even “fair,” for me family would ultimately come first. From what you say this is more about matching sides and the “awkwardness” of a conversation than any true bond between the two guys, anyway.  I may be completely wrong. 

If it should come to that, I’d suggest getting over the silly fixation on symmetry. It should only work out that way if the relationships do. People are not props. Plenty of wedding parties are uneven for that reason, and they should be. 

As for the disrespectful comments about your weight, how did you hear about those? Hard time or not, I think I’d be having a heart to heart about that and about her recent behavior towards you, keeping the focus on how you can be a support, and asking if you’ve done anything to upset her. 

If you’ve been reaching out by text or social media I’d try calling her on the phone. 

Post # 10
3543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

First – you’ve got a year so there is no reason to go into panic mode about how this divorce is going to affect YOUR wedding. Right now your focus should be on supporting your Maid/Matron of Honor. Perhaps she is being cold because she can tell that your top concern is for your own wedding and not for the life-destroying shitstorm she is going through at the moment.

As for who should step down? Well, your cousin is family and has arguably been a close part of your life for much longer than her husband has been in your FH’s life, so the obvious answer is that the husband steps down (assuming of course that they don’t work things through and get a divorce). As for who steps in? Figure that out a little further down the line. See who your FH is closest with in 6 months time. If it happens to be a female friend, then that’s fine.. he can have a Groomswoman. It’s not unheard of.

Post # 12
7764 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

farewed19 :  Somehow I missed the “fat” comments that your friend made to you. WTF! That’s not okay, and her going through a rough time in her private life doesn’t excuse it. 

I do strongly agree with @weddingmaven though that you’re putting too much weight on the need to have even sides – that shouldn’t even factor into how you handle things with your friend and the groomsman. I see this again and again on these boards and it is genuinely bewildering to me. Like it’s nice if it works out that way, but as pp said, these are human beings, not props…your wedding isn’t going to be ruined and your photos aren’t gonna look like trash if you don’t have perfect symmetry in your bridal party. You need to prioritize real life relationships with people over a picture perfect ideal you have in your mind.

Still doesn’t excuse your friend’s comments about yoru weight though. I’d be real tempted to say something to her directly about that next time you see her, because making you feel bad about your weight is BEYOND THE PALE, and I am not sure I’d want someone standing up with me on my wedding day who would make such nasty comments to me. That has nothing to do with the divorce she’s going through.

Post # 13
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College

My sister and her husband were having a rocky time of their marriage before my wedding, and I fully expected them to be actively divorcing by the time we walked down the aisle. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and now that they are in full-on divorce mode, the jerk is in most of our wedding pictures.

That said, I never included him in our very small wedding party (my sister, my husband’s best man), so we didn’t have that drama to worry about, but everything else was awkward throughout. I hope your friend’s marriage woes resolve in a way that doesn’t impact your wedding, but keep in mind that it just might.

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