Post # 1
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for reading this post and offering your advice. I hope I can reach a decision!!
–I am 22 years old and will be 23 when I get married. My Maid/Matron of Honor is my cousin on my fathers side that I am really close with (she is 20). We grew up together and have so much in common. I love having her as my MOH! THe problem is with my other cousin. I have a cousin (K) on my moms side who is the same age as me. We also grew up together, but around the age of 12, we faded away. We still see each other at family functions, but she is a drinker, frequently does drugs, and has a different personality from me. I love her very much, but we just don’t have anything in common. I am much more down to earth, like to hang out and watch movies and go shopping and just talk. She has a more fast paced lifestyle which she loves. Anyway, I do not want her to get upset/feel betrayed because I asked cousin Maid/Matron of Honor to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding at all. I could tell her that I don’t have enough space or I wanted it to be fairy (I have 8 other cousins), but I’m not sure if she would believe that. The problem also arises because I want my 12 year old cousin to be a junior bridesmaid. I was there when she was born and we have a strong bond. She is my mini me and I would love to have her.
–Anyway, I am just so torn on what to do. My options are, have cousin Maid/Matron of Honor, cousin K as a bridesmaid, and my other cousin as a junior bridesmaid and just avoid family drama. Or I could have cousin Maid/Matron of Honor and cousin junior bridesmaid…or just cousin Maid/Matron of Honor. I don’t want to avoid cousin junior bridesmaid just because i don’t want cousin K. I keep telling myself that it is my wedding so I should have who I want…but I don’t know if it’s worth family drama. I don’t want cousin K’s mom (my aunt) to get upset either.
–Do I just have who I want and deal with the drama if it arises and make myself happy? Or do I avoid the family drama? It wouldn’t make me “unhappy” to have cousin K, but it isn’t what I want either. I would love any opinions, experience with family drama, etc. I want everyone to be happy and share in my day, but I don’t want to compromise my feelings either. Thank you so much for your thoughts!!
Post # 3
I guess it really depends on how involved you do or don’t want your BMs to be. I was a junior Bridesmaid or Best Man once when I was eleven, and I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding when I was in about eighth grade. Both times I didn’t really do anything besides the rehearsal dinner, be at the wedding, get my hair done, just day-of stuff. Granted, my brother got married in New York, and I live in Nebraska, but still. I would say to just include everyone, even though you’re not as close with your cousin. You don’t have to have all the BMs involved with every aspect of the wedding; your Maid/Matron of Honor can involve them in your bridal shower, etc. if she wants to.
Are you worried about how your cousin will act at your wedding or anything like that?
Post # 4
Hi misscupcake2012! thanks so much for the reply. i really appreciate. part of me is concerned about her behavior. but she is my cousin so she would be at the bridal shower and wedding anyway. the only thing that is extra is getting our hair done (which would be the same day as the wedding) and going to the rehearsal dinner.She is the same age as me (22) so I hope she would be mature enough to control her behavior at my wedding festivities. I wouldn’t have her do anything extra besides what is necessary. I don’t want to not ask junior bridesmaid cousin just because i don’t want crazy cousin, that’s not fair either. So I think I may end up asking everyone. It isn’t that I DON’T want her there…there is no family trouble, disputes, etc. She is a great cousin, I just wouldn’t have asked her to be in my wedding if she wasn’t family. I don’t think it’s worth all the family drama so I think I am going to ask her.
I am having a Catholic wedding so I’m hoping she can tastefully walk down the aisle, stand there, and walk out. Her normal behavior is very loud, obnoxious, and showing a little too much if you know what I mean. I love her so much and don’t want to hurt her so I am going to trust that she will pull it all together and be a great part of the wedding.
—I have one more question. I have 8 girl cousins. One is my Maid/Matron of Honor, one is crazy cousin, and one is JB cousin. There are five others that vary in age that I am not as close with. Do you think they will understand that I picked the cousins that are closest in age to me (crazy cousin and MOH) and then my younger cousin as JB. I just don’t want my other cousins to get upset. One has anxiety and one has a form of autism which makes her want to avoid social situations so I don’t think either one would want to be involved anyway but I don’t want anyone to feel left out. Would others understand? I’d love thoughts on that. I know it is hard to give thoughts when you don’t know them directly, but I appreciate it. Thanks so much!!
Post # 5
@samschene221: Do you think it would really cause any drama at all? If you aren’t close to her, she might not actually care the least bit. She’ll probably be glad to come to your wedding, enjoy being a guest, and enjoy the drinks and food. Also, since she apparently lives the fast paced lifestyle, which I assume simply means she likes to go out with friends and stay busy, she might not be interested in all the bridesmaid activities, and then you’ll end up here on the board wondering if you should demote her because she’s not 100% on board. You know what I mean? I voted to have your Maid/Matron of Honor and the junior Bridesmaid or Best Man cousins since it sounds like you are really excited about it!
Post # 6
JoolyBee: thanks so much for the reply! it is a very odd situation. she likes to think we are a lot closer then we are. we were very close until we turned about 13 and then got distant. but at family parties, she’ll get a picture with me which is great because we’re cousins and i’ll think nothing of it…then later she’ll post the pic to facebook with a caption that says “your cousin is your first best friend, love you!”. we have never hung out outside of a family gathering and we never talk on the phone or chat or anything. or she’ll say things like “i want to go look at dresses with you!” but then won’t talk to me for months after that. i think she wants to be involved because i am the first of all 13 of my cousins to get married and i think she is excited by it and wants to be involved just to be involved. when i say fast paced lifestyle, i do mean that but also she drinks excessively, does drugs a lot, and acts reckless. for example, she just got too stoned/drunk, blacked out while driving, and totaled 3 parked cars and think it’s hilarious. we just don’t have anything in common because those are the things that interest her while im getting married, i just graduated from college and i’m buying a house. in all honesty, the reason i am leaning towards having her is just because her mother (my aunt) would take it personally if i didn’t have her. my aunt values her self worth by her childrens achievements and if my cousin from my dads side was Maid/Matron of Honor and one of her kids werent involved, she would think i favor my dads side more and she would be upset.
I’m just trying to make the best decision to make everyone happy. I know it’s my wedding but it is stressful enough and I don’t want to add any more drama to it. For example, the week of the wedding, I don’t want to be worried about if my cousin or aunt are mad at me. I feel like I’d rather just bite the bullet, ask her, deal with her at the rehearsal dinner and getting ready the day of the wedding, and then just feel better because there was no drama.
Let me know if that changes your opinion. It means so much to speak with people who understand where I’m coming from! My mom is great but when I ask her, she just says to do what makes me happy. But something that makes me happy is having my family happy. I don’t NOT want her enough to deal with family drama, if that makes sense, lol! Thank you so much for all of the advice!!! =)
Post # 7
I’d not invite K and tell her you just want to keep the bridal party small. Not a good idea to invite people that you don’t really want.
Post # 8
@JenGirl (I hope that worked lol): thanks for the thoughts! i should have also mentioned that it does throw the bridal party off. heres what we have:
….and then JB molly but she is a JB so i’m not really counting that.
–anyway, i just don’t know if i can have Maid/Matron of Honor cousin and JB cousin without cousin K. if i was close with cousin K, i wouldn’t mind the uneven bridal party. it doesn’t bother me. I keep telling myself to just do what makes me happy, but it’s hard when my family might be mad at me. i was also considering having her do a reading or something special so she would still feel important. I only have one wedding day so I don’t want to look back and say “I shouldn’t have picked cousin K” but I also don’t want to say “why didn’t i just pick her and avoid all the drama?”….ugh. i am trying not to stress about it. thanks for the thoughts everyone!!
Post # 9
@samschene221: Honestly, I know my family would understand (I have five girl cousins) but it really depends on your family’s dynamics. I also have 13 boy cousins, so they keep the drama to a minimum, and my family is pretty spread out. I feel like if your family knows and loves you, then they will respect that it is yours and your FI’s day, not theirs.
Post # 10
oh yes, oh yes, it definitely changes my opinion. Yea, that’s a stickier situation, I can definitely see the dilemma now.
Hmm…what to do….?
I think I’m going to have to change my answer to the “have all 3 of them”. But, I really really hope she doesn’t flake out on you, that’s the only thing I worry about. But, at least her mom is rather involved (to your own dismay perhaps), and might be good back up for you should your cousin get distracted when you need her. I’d definitely keep the expectations low for her, just so you’re not disappointed or frustrated come wedding day. I’m assuming she’s just a bit younger than you, putting her around 20-21, and I know at that age I was pretty preoccupied with myself and my life.
And as for the 8 others, nah, don’t worry about it…they’ll be fine. I wasn’t in my cousin’s planned wedding (she ended up doing a Justice of the Peace thing), and I’m fairly close to her-close enough to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but wasn’t offended that I wasn’t asked. I was just plain happy for her.
Post # 11
misscupcake2012: thanks so much! i needed that reassurance lol
JoolyBee: Thanks for the reply! She is actually just three months younger then me. I will be 23 in May and she will be 23 in August. We just have different priorities in life, which is fine, but it worries me a little for my wedding. Yea, I am definitely not going to expect much from her. I’ll take her to try on the bridesmaid dress that I pick just to see what her size is and then I probably won’t see her again until the bridal shower. Oh crap, I just thought of something! I am not having a bachelorette party in that sense, but my bridesmaids and close friends are planning on spending a weekend at my parents condo in Ocean City. I just wanted it to be a low key event….eating, drinking at the condo, watching movies, playing games, etc. I didn’t want anything crazy and my Maid/Matron of Honor knows that. If I have cousin K in the wedding then she will have to go to this event. I am not sure how she would act. If she drinks too much, she would be tough to handle. My friends are very low key and just like to laugh and hang out and I wouldn’t want her to ruin the tone of the event. Do I just bite the bullet and suck it up? I feel like it’s my wedding and this is the only time that all my close friends get together and I don’t want someone there that I don’t want there, if that makes sense. I don’t want to have to suffer through the event solely because I feel bad for her. Let me know your thoughts…thanks!! =)
Post # 12
Honestly, if your wedding isn’t until 2014, I’d wait to select anyone… you will find through the planning process that some people naturally step up to help and others naturally cause drama.
Post # 13
I think the minor drama chance from not asking would be much less than the potential of having her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Do you want to stress about her when dress shopping, planning things, etc or having her show up drink/on drugs. Do what you want and if people make drama, just ignore it.