(Closed) Bridal Party Issue Advice Needed

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@futuremrskeen:  i for sure see how that can and will be awkward with both the women walking up with another women especially if they aren’t for it!!  Can’t force anyone to do something they wouldn’t be comfrontable with. I also agree with the “best friends” thing i mean i get how he has 2 but for you i can see how its wierd.  I hope you the best! 

Post # 4
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s perfectly OK to have two best friends, or even more. My fiance is my best friend, for sure…. but so is my sister, and truth be told, so are all of my bridesmaids. And his best man and groomsmen are his best friends. We’re all very different people, and we’re all “best” in our own special way.  I don’t think him using the name “best friend” on a male or female friend in any way takes away from his relationship with me, and we even have one male friend who we consider “best friend” to us as a couple. It’s perfectly fine, but I can understand how that might take a bit of getting used to.

As for the female groomsman, you and your fiance will just need to decide if it’s more important TO HIM that she stand up for him, or more important TO YOU that she not. And it might not be an easy decision, but try to speak honestly about your feelings and discomfort, and encourage him to do the same.  If you go about it rationally, you’ll end up with a decision that you both respect and can live with, even if it’s not exactly what one of you originally wanted.

You may feel a little threatened by his close relationship with her but I would address those feelings as a separate topic— and encourage him to do the same— this comes down to trusting your own place in his life, and not seeing his relationship with her as taking away from your relationship with him, and may involve some compromise (“I don’t feel comfortable if you go out with Jane on your own because I don’t know her well enough, so how about we all go to dinner instead?”).

As for your bridesmaids not wanting to walk down the aisle with another girl, I think on this one you get permission to be a little bit Bridezilla.  It shouldn’t be up to them, and if you want them to walk down the aisle with your 4-year-old neice or the neighbor’s dog, they should do it graciously.  I can only imagine they’re reluctant because they think somehow, someone will think they are gay or part of a gay couple but to that I say #1 there are far worse things to be thought as than gay and #2 people at the wedding will either be people who know them already and won’t form an opinion based on a 30-second walk up the aisle, or people who they will probably never see again.  Either way… who cares what people think?

Post # 5
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you have some jealousy about this.  I’d try to let it go.  She’s his friend, you’re going to be his wife.

Your girls don’t need to walk with a girl.  You could either stagger walk them (so everyone walks alone, a few steps apart)

Or pair up 2 girls with a guy.

 

Do you really want to tell your Fi your friend can’t be in the wedding because of how it will look when they walk out?  That’s not fair.

Post # 6
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

What I’m going to say is only my opinion, and I certainly do not want to offend any other bride whose wedding will or may have included opposite-sex attendants on her or her FI’s/DH’s side of the bridal aisle. 

However, I think that if this woman friend of your FI’s is truly a friend, and absolutely nothing more, then he should view her as a sister, and it would be fine for you both to treat her accordinly. In that case, it would be appropriate for you to consider having her as one of your bridesmaids.  In my opinion, there is no need for another woman to be standing next to your soon-to-be husband as he becomes united in marriage to you. (For those who have done this or who plan to do this, and where both the bride and the groom are fine with it, I have nothing to say regarding that, because it is/was your wedding and your mutual choice to do that.) However, that is not the case here. This is upsetting to you, OP, and I totally understand why. 

Furthermore, if there is, or even used to be, anything other than a brotherly-sisterly relationship involved in this friendship, then I certainly would not want to have this woman included in my bridal party. If there was something else between them in the past and they are now just friends, she could be a guest, but not in the bridal party. If there currently are any type of feelings between them other than of a brotherly-sisterly nature, I honestly would be questioning if my Fiance and I should be moving forward with plans to marry.

Post # 7
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

we are having mixed bridal parties on each side, we are having people walk down solo. maybe you could do that to solve the Bridesmaid or Best Man issue. 

 

Post # 8
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

it sounds like you’re using your BMs as an excuse. your comments make it sound as though you are jealous of her place in your fiance’s life. you say she shouldn’t be up there bc he’s marrying you not her, but if it’s about that, then there should be no bridal party.

i don’t see anything wrong with him having a female best friend and if you are not ok with it, i agree you should bring it up separately from the bridal party issue.

 

Post # 9
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Brielle:  i am not offended by what you said and to some extent agree – if OP isnt comfortable with it then that is an issue.

but i dont get, and never did, why bridal parties have to be divied up based on gender. in my case, FI’s best man is his sister. i love his sister and am so happy to have her in our wedding, but our relationship is not anywhere near as close as his is with her. he is also having a female friend that he has known for almost 10 years. in that girls case, i would never have picked her to be in my Bridal Party because she lives in another city and has nothing to contribute to Bridal Party things like a bach party or shower for me, but he has a long standing, platonic friendship with her and wants her up there. i am having a male friend, who i would call my best friend from college, on my side. he was living out of the country when Fiance started dating and while he now knows and loves Fiance, he is clearly my friend. and i know him well eough to know that he would be miserable getting roped into a bachelor party with guys he has never met. my brother on the other hand LOVES that stuff and is great friends with Fiance, and also would NOT like being on “the girl side” of the wedding (he is decidedly a “dude”) so Fiance asked him to be on his side…

dont mean to threadjack here, but it does irk (but not offend) me to hear people say its not right to have opposite genders in BPs. to me, its not the gender of the groomsmen your Fiance chose that is an issue, its the nature of his relationship with her.

Post # 11
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ditto all PPs.  Bridal parties do not have to be gender based.  At all.  Ever.

You can have your bridesmaids just walk next to his femaie attendant, rather than arm in arm.  Who cares?  Or just have them alterante, one from your side, one from his side, etc. 

This is your FI’s best friend you’re talking about.  You’ve obviously known how close they are for quite some time – have you ever talked to him about it before now?  Did he find these invitations and you nixed them?  I’m not trying to be rude, but I had to give my Fiance all the text for the invitations, and this “Happiness is…” sounds like you found it to show it to him and tell him why you can’t use it.  There is something more going on here with your insecurity about this than you are letting on.

Post # 12
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Brielle:  THIS. All the way.

Post # 13
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@futuremrskeen:  If they’ve done nothing to truly give you issues, I don’t see why her being a female best friend is any different than a male best friend. I have two or three best friends, but its obviously very different than my “best friend” relationship I have with my SO. Why not just have her walk up with one of the other male GM? Or just on her own? No one will care! 

Post # 14
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you should trust your Fi here. It seems that your jealous and don’t like that his closest friend is a women. This could be a bigger issue then walking down an asile if you don’t talk it out with him. Has either of them ever given you reason to not trust them or is it that you don’t feel that your his best friend? Would you feel this way if it were a guy, prob not. You need to talk with him and let him know your having some issues with his relationship with her.

Post # 15
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

There is jealousy here that you need to discuss with your Fiance unless he hasn’t given you any reason to wonder. There is nothing wrong with her standing up there beside him as a grooms-woman and it isn’t fair for you to tell him his best friend can’t be in the wedding, woman or man.

I agree that the wording “marrying my best friend” may not be appropriate, and I also would find it weird to walk down with another girl arm in arm, so maybe they can walk next to each other? Or can she walk down with a ring bearer or flower girl?

 

Post # 16
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I dont see a problem with her being in the wedding but maybe as a bridesmaid. If she really wants to be in the wedding she shouldnt mind standing with the women. I think it would be strange to have two women walking down the aisle and only one woman with the groomsmen.

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