(Closed) Bridal Shower

posted 10 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

That depends, do you really not want her at your wedding anymore?  She was close enough to you for you to initially want her has a bridesmaid.  Are you willing to let that go, and not even have her as a guest that day?

My feeling is that missing the rehearsal is one thing (and a big thing), but missing a shower is not the end of the world.  Especially if it’s a shower she needs to travel to.  I’m guessing she’s not missing your shower because she has to wash her hair or water her fish.  Talk to her and see what’s going on.  Maybe this is a "My boss won’t let me take time off" or "this semester is kicking my ass and I feel like I’m in way over my head" issue. 

Good luck!  I’m sorry that it’s become such an issue, and I hope that you find a solution that makes you comfortable and happy. 

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Eeek.  You might have spoken out of anger, without thinking it through….  We all do it.  But I think it’s usually best to speak when cooler heads can prevail.  I understand it’s frustrating when you havea Bm, especially one particualr one who doesn’t seem to make any of the prewedding events.  Does she live Out of Town at least?  If she is in town, I would also find it difficult to understand not making these events.  If she is OOT?  Then I think you should be a bit more understanding, especially about the shower.  I’m guessing the rehearsal is goingto be the nigth before the wedding?  Is so, I don’t knowwhy it would be that difficult to come into town a bit earlier, but maybe she does have a good reason.

Since she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I would think you value her friendship.  I would try to talk to her and apologize for telling her not to come.  Also explain that you are hurt, because you don’t feel like she wants to support and share in this life changing experience of yours… 

Is it possible there are other things going on with her?  These awkward relationship conflicts often arise around wedding time.  It’s more than just coincidence.  Is she jealous that you are getting married, while she is single/divorce/recently dumped/etc…?  Maybe she feels like your life is really taking off and hers is struggling/boring/stressful/ etc…..  Maybe she’s used to attention and is jealous that you will get to be "princess for a day"/a fancy vacation/other wedding related parties/etc….  Perhaps she’s having financial difficulties and is overwhelmed with all the expenses of the wedding.  If you look back at the wedding process, do you think you might be too demanding on your BMs, in terms of time, finances, or energy?  If so, maybe she’s trying to rebel.

If you want to keep her as a friend, try not to let this wedding process ruin that.  Your wedding will come and go.  You’ll be glad you got past it together.

Post # 5
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

If it was me, missing a shower wouldn’t be grounds for kicking a friend out of the bridal party regardless of whether or not she can make it to the rehearsal dinner.  I would suggest talking to her to see what the problem is.  It’s possible things are pretty crazy in her life right now too. 

Post # 7
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Did your Bridesmaid or Best Man ask you to plan your shower around her schedule?  If so, this may be grounds for getting upset with her.  But I do think in either event you may have jumped the gun about telling her to forget about your wedding.  Do you really not want her there?

I don’t think there are "rules" about what our BMs "have to" attend.  Of course we want them there at every event, but it does not always work out that way.

Unfortunately people in our lives have busy schedules (it is hard to remember that our weddings are not their #1 concern!) and she may really want to go but has other things going on.  It is hard to not feel disappointed when people cannot be there at the events that are meaningful to us! 

If she still won’t respond to your messages, my suggestion would be to explain to her why you are upset she can’t be there (that you want to share your memories with her!) and that of course you value your friendship and want her at your wedding.  If you have general feelings about her letting you down/not being there for you, I would explain those to her, too.

Good luck!

Post # 8
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m going through nearly this same thing with my lifelong best friend who is one of my BM’s. She just started a new job in a new city that doesn’t give her any time off. We’ve agreed that she can try to make as many of my showers as possible, but I will be understanding with her even if she doesn’t make them. There will be others there to support me and while I wish I could share all of those experiences with her I have to understand she has a packed schedule now too.

However, she does know that it’s very important to me that she attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

Maybe since things have cooled off you can call her and discuss her schedule and what’s possible for her to attend while letting her know how important it is to you that she be at as many events as possible.

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