Post # 1
I’m having some bridal shower issues and need advice. My cousin asked me to be in her bridal party for her wedding, which is coming up this New Years Eve. Anyways, I received an email a week ago from her Maid of Honor, telling us bridesmaids we each have to chip in $250 for the bridal shower. She said that her and the Mother of the Bride had booked a catering hall for 70 guests, and that the $250 would cover the plates and favors, etc. I asked if it would cover some sort of “group gift,” and she gave a vague answer that implied we would be doing a group gift in addition to the $250. I was surprised that they had planned everything without asking our opinion, and that that mother of the bride (my aunt, who i see all the time) never mentioned anything about it before this email. I wrote back, saying that I thought it was a bit high (especially considering there are 10 bridesmaids in the party), and that I was stressed for money right now. I said that I would like to contribute, but wasn’t sure if I could give as much as they were asking. I feel bad but I just bought a house, I am in another wedding party and hosting my sister’s baby shower this year, and the other expenses ($240 dress, $200 bachelorette party, wedding gift, hair, makeup, etc.) are adding up to more than I was prepared to spend. We are all in our twenties, so we’re not making big bucks yet. Anyways, this started a huge argument with the mother of the bride (my aunt).. she sent me a nasty email, and cc’d the maid of honor (who I’ve never met before). Now I am mortified, as all the other girls have signed on to this, and I am the only one who seems to have an issue with it. It also seems that this has ruined my relationship with my aunt. The part that is most upsetting is that when I was married two years ago, my cousin (the bride) was asked to throw in $100 for a group gift as my bridesmaid, and she less than happy about it. Now I’m not sure what to do. I am not on speaking terms with my aunt, and my cousin is completely unaware of the situation (at least I think she is, I don’t want to bring it to her attention and stress her out!)
What should I do?
Post # 3
Oh boy! That certainly is a lot of money to be spending, considering all the other expenses and the amount of other contributors. I agree that they should of included all the BM’s when making plans. I’m not comfortable with being asked to just hand over $ when I have no idea what its for, or if its financially sound. I am in a wedding shortly after mine. The Maid/Matron of Honor wanted to rent lots of useless stuff, thank god someone else shut her down because I was like, “uuuuum, we don’t need all that crap!”, but I never would of said anything. It might just be a pride thing. Because I think you have every right to speak up. You know your limitations, you shouldn’t be expected to go into debt as a member in a bridal party. That being said, I really don’t know what there is to do to mend the relationship with your Aunt. She seems to be taking this really personally when that’s obviously not the case. I’d let her cool off. As far as the money part goes… I honestly would probably give the money, but I’d hate it. I hope the bride ends up appreciating everything you’ve all done for her!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t give the money. They never asked you how much you could contribute. It sounds a little over the top. So I’d give them whatever $ you were planning on contributing for the party and leave it at that.
I’d talk to your cousin (the bride) about the drama to see if she even knows about it.
Post # 5
I agree with the other posters – that’s ridiculous that they just planned stuff without discussing it with you bridesmaids and are expecting you to just chip in for how much they spent! That’s CRAZY.
I just hosted a Bridal Shower two weekends ago and I went above-and-beyond with the spending too, but I would NEVER ask the other bridesmaid to chip in on those costs because they were things I decided to do and didn’t consult her! It’s completely unreasonable to ask people to chip in for things they have zero say in!
I wouldn’t pay the $250 if I were you! Even if I could afford it!
Post # 6
Sounds shady and a little embarassing for them. That’s a lot of money. I would feel embarassed if I were them. If I couldn’t afford something, I wouldn’t take up a collection and expect anyone else to pay for it. That takes a lot of nerve to make that kind of request. I mean you’re already paying for your other stuff for the wedding. They should have picked a venue that’s within their means. That’s a tough position to be in.Talk to your cousin and maybe your aunt. Tell them you simply don’t have the money. Good luck.
Post # 7
That is ridiculous. They shouldn’t have booked a venue without asking all the BMs how much they could afford to put up for it. My thoughts are, say your sorry you can’t give that much but give them what you can comfortably afford to contribute. And don’t bring it up with the bride, she shouldn’t be dragged into it, in my opinion, since she shouldn’t have anything to do with the shower. Maybe talk to your mom or dad (whichever is the sibling of your aunt) and explain the situation to them and see what they say about it.
Post # 8
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Could you talk to your mother and see if she can mediate with your aunt? I would hate for this to ruin your relationship with her. I certainly don’t think you should be forced to contribute something you can’t afford. ESPECIALLY when you weren’t consulted early on (or at all). I will just point out.. please please please make sure your cousin doesn’t get involved in this. I found out from my husband that his sister had complained to him about how much she had been asked to spend on my shower and it made me really upset (esp since his mother was the one who made the guest list so huge!).
Post # 9
I wouldn’t give the money. If you want to contribute a portion of it, than go for it. $2500 (estimating each of the 10 Bridesmaid or Best Man were asked for the same) is one giant party! They probably went crazy & that would be fine if they were paying for it, but its not fair to make you pay for it, espeically without consulting you.
You may want to let the Maid/Matron of Honor know that you’re excited to be a part of the wedding, that you don’t have a lot of money right now & see if there’s a solution. Maybe you can contribute more time into things? Or you could ask if you could help with the planning? Maybe helping planning would help cheapen things up for the other BM!
Post # 10
Oh, I wanted to add that you probably shouldn’t talk to the bride about this. If she’s currently in the dark, she should be left there. She’s probably stressed enough as it is with wedding details and will only be upset with you for giving her another thing to be stressed about.
I agree with the suggestion that maybe you could involve your mother to talk to the mother of the bride. It would totally suck if your aunt was mad at you because of this. It’s clear to us that she’s the one in the wrong in this situation, not you!
Post # 11
Thank you guys, you’ve made me feel so much better!! I thought maybe I was going crazy, or was just super stingy or something. I am going to try and reach a compromise with her. Maybe I can offer to give half the money, and do more of the legwork and “crafty” stuff, like favors, or games, etc. That way, I’ll feel like I’m contributing without breaking the bank. As for my aunt, I’m going to let her cool off, then ask my dad to mediate a bit.
Thanks all 🙂
Post # 12
I think your plan sounds perfect. If I were you I would just contribute the amount you feel comfortable with, exactly as you have said and also be sure to get the bride a present (at an amount you feel comfortable with). It was rude not to consult you regarding the cost and as I bride I would be mortified to find out one of my bridesmaids was being treated like this by my mother.
Post # 13
I would talk to your own mom or Dad whoever’s the aunt sibling and see if they would mind going in on your part with you. $250 is a lot and they really should have asked everyone if that was okay before booking it. And if they were still set on having it at this place then they should cover the difference. Out of 10 girls you can’t be the only one feeling this way. I had a hard time collecting $100 for a shower we threw a few months ago, let alone $250 plus more for a group gift!
Post # 14
I couldn’t imagine being outright told to give XX amount of money. I’m very fortunate that the Maid/Matron of Honor of the wedding I’m in asked all of the BMs what they could give and planned according to that budget. And even that system wasn’t perfect, a month later other BMs started to complain that they were spending too much. I think your plan is the best way to go, and hopefully it will show your aunt that you don’t want to make trouble, just want to help with what you can.