Bridal shower etiquette question/rant/MOH/bachelorette

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Um nope you are the bride and you get to decide what events you are having! If you want all one shower then have all one shower and she can help plan it with his family. My Maid/Matron of Honor (sister) is arranging my bach party and my mother and his mother are arranging my bridal shower. 

I had a funny thing happen where one of my bridesmaids decided to arrange a lingerie shower for me but then included other brides and wanted it to be a joint shower. I said thanks but no thanks I don’t feel comfortable with that and no hard feelings were had. Some people get so caught up in how they think things should be but it’s your wedding and you shouldn’t have to do things you don’t want to just to appease others 

Post # 3
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You cannot be forced into a shower. If you don’t like the one your Maid/Matron of Honor is offering to throw (which is fine), you can always decline. Has anyone else offered to throw you a shower? You shouldn’t throw your own…so unless someone else in your family has offered to throw one, you can always just skip it. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

NOPE NOPE AND NOPE.

This is more like a gathering of just the bridesmaids. A bridal shower is typically the moms of the bride and groom, aunts, your girlfriends, etc and the guest count can range from anywhere from 5 to 50 depending on how many people you know. Usually the bride provides a list of people she wants at the party and their contact information and then whoever is throwing the party goes from there.

This is what I would do: tell your Maid of Honor you want all of your close family/friends there because THAT is tradition and what you want. Tell her you don’t care about the venue, it could be at someone’s house, as long as everyone you want is there. If she throws a fit about it, tell her that she will no longer be hosting the shower – check with your future mother in law or an aunt to see if they would be willing to host the shower for you.

The Bachelorette party isn’t like a shower at all – the bachelorette party is typically only your bridesmaids (can be your fiance’s girls too since they’re in it) and y’all go out and have a good time. Typically this is what’s thrown by the Maid of Honor. It would be very rude of her to not go to the bachelorette party strictly because she’s throwing the ‘bridal shower.’

As far as something more appropriate for a bachelorette party, do something fun! Maybe go out to a nice dinner with the girls, and then do something you like – you could do a paint night, or you could host it at your place (tell your fiance to go hangout with friends or something) and have a sleepover with board games, movies, dancing, etc. or do an escape room, somethign like that! Bachelorette parties don’t have to be bar-hopping and crazy.

Post # 5
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

View original reply
tullekitty :  I don’t mean to be crass, but is this possibly about money? If she’s holding the shower at a tea shop instead of her home, there might be additional costs involved in having more people?

Even if it IS, her logic is wonky and basically bullshit.

As the bride you should be consulted about the guest list. She is hosting the event on your BEHALF, not as some benevolent dictator with veto power. Her role should be primarily concerned with including anyone you have requested if at all possible.

I agree that if she wants to host a Bridesmaid Brunch or the like, it should be characterized as such, and not stand as your bridal shower, which traditionally includes women from both sides of the weddding- not exclusively the bridal party. That’s simply not a thing. 

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Your Maid/Matron of Honor has gone mad. This is your wedding and your shower. You get to invite who you like. What is wrong with her? As you said – it is annoying to have to go to 2 – I would tell her you are having 1 shower and you would like everyone you want there. Why does she get to say NO? What’s it go to do with her? Why is she enforcing all this ‘tradition’ on you? 

There is no etiquette for having 2 parties because it’s not the normal thing so you should do as you like really! But since what you really want is one shower with the people you actually want there I would suggest you do that! xx

Post # 7
Member
5644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Is your Maid/Matron of Honor paying for the shower?  Even if the bridesmaids are splitting it between them I can see why they would want other friends or family members to have their own thing.  

I’m surprised this board has such a strong “no pay no say” mentality which apparently doesn’t seem to stretch over to the bridesmaids.  Your bridesmaids want to throw you a little celebration, I think they are within their rights to only invite/pay for people they know and keep it small. 

Post # 8
Member
5644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
jillsgills :  I would tell her you are having 1 shower and you would like everyone you want there. Why does she get to say NO? What’s it go to do with her?

Presumably since OP mentioned the Maid/Matron of Honor is “throwing” the shower she is both planning and paying for it, so I’m pretty sure that’s why she gets to say no. 

 

Post # 9
Member
47439 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your Maid/Matron of Honor may be confused about what a shower is and who is included on the guest list, but when it comes down to it, as the hostess, she can invite whomever she wants. If you don’t want the “shower” she is hosting, simply decline.If no one else volunteers to host a shower, you don’t have one.

It is not at all unusual for there to be more than one shower. Your family, the groom’s family, your friends, your church members, your co-workers, your neighbors, may all want to host a shower. the key is there should be no duplication of the guest list, and where there is a duplication (courtesy invitations to immediate family and the bridal party) there is no expectation that they bring a gift.

You don’t plan or host events in your own honor, especially gift giving events. If the host of your bachelorette asks for your input, to the event or the guest list, you can give it. There is nothing wrong with having a shower and a bachelorette. There is no requirement for the BM’s to attend, especially if finances are a concern The host of the bachelorette should make sure that what she plans is affordable for the guests she wants to include.

Post # 10
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

View original reply
zzar45 :  But surely it’s quite mad if your bride is telling you who she wants there and you think that your opinion is more important that hers. It is quite mad to throw someone a party they don’t want and bring about a situation where she then has to throw another one of her own…. 

Post # 12
Member
5644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
jillsgills :  “A party she doesn’t want” is a bit extreme in my opinion, OP says that the tea party was her idea so the Maid/Matron of Honor is trying to to something that the OP would enjoy, she just has to put a limit on the guest list since it is down to her and maybe the bridesmaids to pay. I think it is fair enough for the Maid/Matron of Honor to basically put her hands up and say these are the people I can afford to host (which is how I read the post) if you want family and other friends you’ll need to have another shower. 

Post # 13
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You shouldn’t ask someone to throw you a shower. It’s nice that you are concerned about your bridesmaid paying but asking her to throw it, at your house, and you pay is basically you hosting your own gift giving event which is in poor taste….

Post # 15
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
tullekitty :  A shower is a gift giving event typically. I don’t understand why you need to have a bigger shower? If your fiances family is going to be upset they aren’t invited, maybe one of them would offer to throw you a shower? If you don’t want gifts, then I would just skip it because it doesn’t sound like you really want one anyways?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors