Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor and MAOH are putting together my shower for me. They chose a place that is a business close to my family and they are letting us rent the room for free. The cost is only $11 per person and includes a private room with full lunch ( a special menu) and alcoholic punch drink or non-alcohol punch. My Mom offered to pay for half of the cost. My Future Mother-In-Law asked that we invite around 25 people and hasn’t offered to help pay. My question is, is it my family’s duty to pay for the whole shower or should Future Mother-In-Law help pay? If she is expected to help out, how should we go about asking her?
I’ve only had my Maid/Matron of Honor speak to her regarding the shower thus far.
Post # 3
She’s not suppose to pay. I however am not an etiquette junky by any means. I would give her a limit of free guests. For instance, “we have budgeted for you to have 10 guests” and then let her offer to help pay. I will say that if they are family members of your Fiance then they should be invited anyway at no cost.
Post # 4
Showers are supposed to be for the women invited to the wedding if thrown (as is traditional) by your MOHs and BMs. So, if Future Mother-In-Law is adding women who are going to the wedding, she is doing the right thing and is not out of line.
Other showers (ie thrown by coworkers or other friends who are not invited to the wedding) are another thing and there is no right/wrong as to who is invited.
Traditionally, moms and Future Mother-In-Law are not supposed to pay, though some do offer to help financially. (It was thought that having moms pay meant that the family was asking for gifts for their daughter/in-law, a similar no-no like not putting the registry on the invite).
Post # 5
my understanding is that the costs of the shower are usually split among the BMs. I don’t know how that impacts your situation with your Future Mother-In-Law, but that’s how I expect my shower to be financed.
I also think one of the PPs offered good advice in saying that you could/should tell your Future Mother-In-Law that she has x number of invites to do whatever she wants with, and then beyond that is out of her pocket, depending on the specifics of your situation.
Post # 6
Whoever is hosting the shower pays.
If it is not in the hosts’ budget to invite these 25 extra people, I think they should just tell your Mother-In-Law. She’ll have to either say she understands, or offer to chip in.
Post # 7
whoever is hosting the shower should pay. if your moh and maoh (what is that?) are putting together the shower, they should chip in, probably along with the rest of your bms.
fmil only has to pay if she decides to throw you another shower.
Post # 8
As the MOB I offered to cover much of the shower expenses due to small BP’s. I felt it was unfair to them to have them pay for everything as there were only 2 of them. In one instance, I paid for almost all of it (only had the Maid/Matron of Honor give me some money towards it), and in the other we (FMIL & I, Maid/Matron of Honor & BM) split it 4 ways.
We invited the guests based on their closeness to the brides as well as family members, so not everyone invited to the wedding was invited to the shower. I’d say if your Mom is offering to split the expense and Future Mother-In-Law hasn’t said anything, that’s just the way it is. The hosts are the ones who should be paying for it, and the fact that your Mom has offered financial help shouldn’t change that.
Post # 9
Well here is the deal. Future Mother-In-Law offered to throw me a shower with my FSIL’s BABY shower. I didn’t feel comfortable and offered to have my Maid/Matron of Honor and MATRON OF HONOR ( MAOH) help throw a big shower instead of 2 separate showers. When it came time to put it together she handed my Maid/Matron of Honor a list of the women she wanted to invite. Now they are thinking she would help out since she was going to throw me one in the first place.
I just feel bad having my BMs pay for it. I didn’t realize it was their responsibility. They want to play host and help organize but I thought my mom and Future Mother-In-Law would help out with the costs. Hmmm. Any suggestions?
Post # 11
Sure…have your Fiance ask his Mom if she plans on helping out costwise since she isn’t giving you a combined shower anymore. I wouldn’t be involved in it if I were you, but HE certainly can, as it’s his Mom!
Post # 12
@ItWasntMe: Thanks for the feedback. He offered to talk to her about it. I just don’t want to seem passive-agressive by having him get involved. I know it’s really not something I should be involved in but my BMs and Mom dont really know Future Mother-In-Law that well. It’s tough!
Post # 13
Would anyone else reccommend asking their Future Mother-In-Law for money to support a bridal shower? My BMs seemed very irritated that she hasn’t offered yet.