Post # 1
Bees! I need your help!
I am currently arguing with my mother – I was asked for some input into the shower guestlist from my Maid/Matron of Honor so she could get addresses and know which of my work colleagues were invited. I am just about the send out invitations to the wedding, and so I am in the process of finalizing the guest list and am still unsure about a couple of groups. I asked my mum for some input (who do you think I should invite from this group?) and she went on to tell me it is common practice to invite people who are not invited to the wedding to the shower, so I could make it up to people that way.
Thats makes me feel all squicky inside… I feel like only those invited to the wedding should get a shower invite as it is a more intimate event. But my mum was telling me that she has been invited to five showers in the last couple years but no weddings (and this was all people of my age she says…).
So, yeah. Poll time. Tell me your thoughts pretty please!
Post # 3
I agree with you. Only people who are invited to the wedding should be invited to a gift giving party. I’d want a shower to be only those closest to me, so even smaller than the wedding guest list.
Post # 5
Only people invited to the wedding.
Post # 6
@SapphireSun: I agree!!! The shower is going to be max 30 people (wedding is going to be 175), so why would I want to invite people not close enough to come to the big event??
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
Only if they specifically ask to come to the shower, IMO. When my mom passed away, her group of friends all tried to help me out and asked if they could throw me a shower but since we were already planning one I just invited them to the pre-planned shower. Even though there is not room on the guest list for them to attend the actual wedding, I think they understand. But my circumstances are quite specific.
Post # 8
@misshydra: that’s exactly how it comes off… that you want everybody you know to come to the event that’s low/no cost to you to host and they’re expected to bring a gift… but want to skimp on actually inviting them to the event you’re hosting yourself.
Post # 9
ionly I would never ever invite people to the shower but not to the wedding! Too awkward!
Post # 10
Etiquette Snob here… lol
Ok the generally accepted rule of thumb here is ONLY people who are invited to the Wedding get an invite to a Shower
BUT there are exceptions… and they usually have specific elements to them
* Work colleagues can throw a Shower (ie Bridal or Baby) for a member of their staff / group…
* A Bride who belongs to a social or volunteer group… might have a Shower thrown by someone in the group… (Sports Team / Club – Volunteer Organization – Church Choir etc)
* Church Ladies… this is very common in small towns, where the Bride & her family have been attending a church their whole lives.
* Neighbours… another small town tradition… the neighbourhood ladies get together, and throw a shower for the “gal” who grew up down the street
These would generally all be seperate events… so if your Mom is thinking that someone throw a shower and invite a mixture of folks who aren’t invited to the wedding… such as some of her Neighbours… your Grade 4 Teacher… and a few of your Fellow Brownie Leaders (that you volunteer with on Tuesdays) … along with those who are Guests to the Wedding… well quite frankly she’d be WRONG from an Etiquette stand-point.
Hope this helps,
Post # 11
@This Time Round: ditto! There are always exceptions to every rule.
Post # 12
@This Time Round: <– This exactly.
You are in the right OP. 9 times out of 10 the only people invited to the shower should be those invited to the wedding. If you invite someone only to the shower it basically tells that person that they are good enough to get you a gift but not good enough to be invited to the actual wedding. It’s very gift grabby and rude.
As ThisTime pointed out though, there are exceptions: church, work, or social group showers are ok. However, those are thrown by someone in the group and is only for people in the group.
Post # 13
@misshydra: Your mother is incorrect.
Who is made to feel better about not being invited to a wedding, by being invited a party at which it is required to give a gift?
A luncheon or something else, fine. But not a shower. No one should be invited to pre-wedding events that aren’t invited to the wedding.
Doing otherwise, says to guests, you aren’t close enough to come to the wedding, but you are close enough to buy me crap.
Post # 14
OP, your mom could not be more wrong.
Post # 15
@misshydra: FWIW, one of my coworkers is throwing a casual work party/shower (not calling it a shower) and they aren’t all invited to the wedding. Many of my friends have had similar events pre-wedding and I’ve never seen hard feelings come of it. I would definitely not invite those people to the friends/family shower that my family is throwing.
Post # 16
I don’t agree with your mom’s exact reasoning but we are having a really small, private destination wedding and I will be inviting people to the showers that are not going to be invited to the wedding, with wording in both invites that I’m having a Destination Wedding. I read from ettiquette experts this is fine so long as you let them know in advance so they can choose to come or not with full knowledge they aren’t wedding guests.
We are also looking at having a small party when we come back but we aren’t 100% yet. We are hoping because I would really love to celebrate with people we couldn’t invite.
Are you having a DW? If not, then no. Leave them off like you are telling yourself.